The Road to Utopia
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Back on the Road"Creating a Sane Society
4 total reviews
Comment from Thal1959
This is very well written, and I looked at the other reviews to see if I missed something. MustangPatty is correct about, "She died in my arms. The days following were the saddest days of my life. The shock of losing her made me virtually incoherent. When the ambulance finally showed up, I couldn't even speak." But I don't feel you should have been debited a star for it. Yes, it could be rendered as ...
"She died in my arms. When the ambulance finally showed up, I couldn't even speak. The shock of losing her made me virtually incoherent. The days following were the saddest days of my life." But as the author, you are free to do as you please. The sequence you rendered it in can ne understood to demonstrate the way the shock of the event still makes it hard for the speaker to relate the event.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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This is very well written, and I looked at the other reviews to see if I missed something. MustangPatty is correct about, "She died in my arms. The days following were the saddest days of my life. The shock of losing her made me virtually incoherent. When the ambulance finally showed up, I couldn't even speak." But I don't feel you should have been debited a star for it. Yes, it could be rendered as ...
"She died in my arms. When the ambulance finally showed up, I couldn't even speak. The shock of losing her made me virtually incoherent. The days following were the saddest days of my life." But as the author, you are free to do as you please. The sequence you rendered it in can ne understood to demonstrate the way the shock of the event still makes it hard for the speaker to relate the event.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Thank you very much. The change has been made...John
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You're welcome, John.
Comment from Mustang Patty
The story flows along, and I'm enjoying the ongoing lectures about Utopia, and the ills of the world we live in,
A few nits: your our (own) teaching
'She died in my arms. The days following were the saddest days of my life. The shock of losing her made me virtually incoherent. When the ambulance finally showed up, I couldn't even speak.' (The sentences in this sequence seem out of order. If you put the bit about the ambulance before the following days, it will make more sense.)
I swear I can (+hear) her respond whenever the wind rustles her leaves."
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2017
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The story flows along, and I'm enjoying the ongoing lectures about Utopia, and the ills of the world we live in,
A few nits: your our (own) teaching
'She died in my arms. The days following were the saddest days of my life. The shock of losing her made me virtually incoherent. When the ambulance finally showed up, I couldn't even speak.' (The sentences in this sequence seem out of order. If you put the bit about the ambulance before the following days, it will make more sense.)
I swear I can (+hear) her respond whenever the wind rustles her leaves."
Comment Written 20-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2017
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Thanks
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
There are millions of people in jails all over the country. It's doubtful many of them were rich when they were sent up. Bernie Madoff is an exception, but if he had bilked poor people instead of the wealthy, he probably would never have seen a jail cell. We do not have a justice system in this country, only a punishment system. At the courthouse I attended, most of the people facing the judges were elderly, poor or a combination of both. Many of the attorneys offering their services acted like hyenas fighting over a zebra carcass." You have created an effective world and I am engrossed in it. Wonderful ability and skill, I am so very impressed kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
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There are millions of people in jails all over the country. It's doubtful many of them were rich when they were sent up. Bernie Madoff is an exception, but if he had bilked poor people instead of the wealthy, he probably would never have seen a jail cell. We do not have a justice system in this country, only a punishment system. At the courthouse I attended, most of the people facing the judges were elderly, poor or a combination of both. Many of the attorneys offering their services acted like hyenas fighting over a zebra carcass." You have created an effective world and I am engrossed in it. Wonderful ability and skill, I am so very impressed kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 19-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
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Thank you ...John
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Surprisingly, I liked and enjoyed this informative, educational and philosophic commentary fiction about living, law, legal, justice system, school, learning system; animal care; it has good thematic progression thru plot development, setting use; I expected catches in the beginning and ending, climax and contributory dialogues.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
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Surprisingly, I liked and enjoyed this informative, educational and philosophic commentary fiction about living, law, legal, justice system, school, learning system; animal care; it has good thematic progression thru plot development, setting use; I expected catches in the beginning and ending, climax and contributory dialogues.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
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Thanks...John
