Old Friends at the Nursing Home
498 word supernatural flash fiction12 total reviews
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Supernatural content is there, apparently it looks mysterious or fictional without evidence at the eventual happening at the home, old friends and Jack the centres of attraction; I liked the flow and organisation of thoughts.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Supernatural content is there, apparently it looks mysterious or fictional without evidence at the eventual happening at the home, old friends and Jack the centres of attraction; I liked the flow and organisation of thoughts.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and your thoughtful comments.
Comment from tfawcus
One spooky story. The isolation of a nursing home room sure does leave a fellow alone with his thoughts and with thoughts like Jack's, that would be a pretty scary prospect. A nice touch of humour at the end with the investigating officers' dialogue!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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One spooky story. The isolation of a nursing home room sure does leave a fellow alone with his thoughts and with thoughts like Jack's, that would be a pretty scary prospect. A nice touch of humour at the end with the investigating officers' dialogue!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and your thoughtful comments.
Comment from Rasmine
Good ghost story! I like the tension building with the dragging foot :P Awesome. I wish you the best luck in the contest! :)
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Good ghost story! I like the tension building with the dragging foot :P Awesome. I wish you the best luck in the contest! :)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and your thoughtful comments.
Comment from kathleenspalding
Ha, good one! Classic poetic justice and excellent story for the prompt. Very well written. Only found two typos,
...Canes (began instead of begin) to (rain instead of reign)...
That's it. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2017
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Ha, good one! Classic poetic justice and excellent story for the prompt. Very well written. Only found two typos,
...Canes (began instead of begin) to (rain instead of reign)...
That's it. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 16-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2017
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Wow, thanks much as those two things are a bane to me. I never seem to get them right and am so grateful for the correction. Thanks much for reading.
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You're welcome
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it may be an idea to add in some additional line breaks between each paragraph and for dialogue to. It makes the write cleaner and easier to follow.
"Who's the funny guy?", he said - you don't need the comma here.
Looks like old Jack got his just desserts all right.
good tight little piece.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2017
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Hi there,
it may be an idea to add in some additional line breaks between each paragraph and for dialogue to. It makes the write cleaner and easier to follow.
"Who's the funny guy?", he said - you don't need the comma here.
Looks like old Jack got his just desserts all right.
good tight little piece.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 16-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2017
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I had to rewrite this really fast as I failed to see the word count-was hard to trim 350 words! So now they extended the deadline and I can go in and clean it up. Correction much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Wow! This is supernatural at its best. The old crook definitely got what was coming to him. I bet he would have traded being caught and put in jail with his final rest. Its very hard to feel sorry for him though. Thanks for sharing this story and good luck in the contest,
~patty~
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
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Wow! This is supernatural at its best. The old crook definitely got what was coming to him. I bet he would have traded being caught and put in jail with his final rest. Its very hard to feel sorry for him though. Thanks for sharing this story and good luck in the contest,
~patty~
Comment Written 15-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much!
Comment from Dawn Munro
Wow, this is a great plot - not at all run-of-the-mill. The pacing is good too.
I do have a couple of suggestions, if I may be so bold.
First, your character is rich and believable, but Jack, even at sixty, is a mean old sonofabitch. I wouldn't have had him giving a single thought to "talking nice" to anyone. I also WOULD have him stewing and 'scowling' perhaps, not 'pouting'.
One other minor addition I would suggest, just for crystal-clear visualization: "...and they had to run for it (on foot)." I would add 'on foot'. Most times, less is more, but sometimes too little can lack clarity, and you don't want your reader having to think about it to figure out what is going on in the plot, to hesitate in any way. We know they would have to run for it, but we don't know he is going to be hit by a car until we read the next sentence, and then we have to pause for a second to say to ourselves, "Oh, when the kid didn't show up, they were on foot." So those two small words make a big difference, yes?
One creative course instructor once said to me that the best way to write was to imagine you were writing for the average grade 10 student. These days, I'm not sure that still applies, but the gist of his message was, short of condescending to your reader, you want it to be easy reading, keeping it simple, even when the plot itself is complex.
I hope I haven't offended you, but those are the only things I saw that stood out in an otherwise brilliant tale.
Best of luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Wow, this is a great plot - not at all run-of-the-mill. The pacing is good too.
I do have a couple of suggestions, if I may be so bold.
First, your character is rich and believable, but Jack, even at sixty, is a mean old sonofabitch. I wouldn't have had him giving a single thought to "talking nice" to anyone. I also WOULD have him stewing and 'scowling' perhaps, not 'pouting'.
One other minor addition I would suggest, just for crystal-clear visualization: "...and they had to run for it (on foot)." I would add 'on foot'. Most times, less is more, but sometimes too little can lack clarity, and you don't want your reader having to think about it to figure out what is going on in the plot, to hesitate in any way. We know they would have to run for it, but we don't know he is going to be hit by a car until we read the next sentence, and then we have to pause for a second to say to ourselves, "Oh, when the kid didn't show up, they were on foot." So those two small words make a big difference, yes?
One creative course instructor once said to me that the best way to write was to imagine you were writing for the average grade 10 student. These days, I'm not sure that still applies, but the gist of his message was, short of condescending to your reader, you want it to be easy reading, keeping it simple, even when the plot itself is complex.
I hope I haven't offended you, but those are the only things I saw that stood out in an otherwise brilliant tale.
Best of luck in the contest!
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Oh, no offense at all. Much appreciated and very good suggestions. Thanks for the help-did this one kind of fast so I was thinking there should be a few corrections. Someone told me there were too many words, but I couldn't for the life of me see a required total. Thanks!!
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The average for flash fiction (I think) is eight hundred, but you're right - the contest's sponsor doesn't specify, so unless it's way off, I imagine you're safe. In any event, the CEC will let you know if it's not right.
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Actually it was specified but I couldn't see it for lookin so will see if I can resubmit but it was sad to cut 350 words!!
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Oh NO - where? I didn't see it, and I looked specifically.
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Well, that is strange. I just came from the contest, and you're right, it is specified right at the beginning of the instructions. I could have sworn it was not...and I have seen this happen before, but when I questioned it, I was told that the sponsor can make changes, but not once there is one entry...
Comment from Kerry Foley Robinson
That was a excellent story. I love the anticipation you built up to the ending.
Your characters were portrayed fabulous. The way he spoke, his actions, all well written. Terrific contest entry. Good luck.
~Kerry~
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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That was a excellent story. I love the anticipation you built up to the ending.
Your characters were portrayed fabulous. The way he spoke, his actions, all well written. Terrific contest entry. Good luck.
~Kerry~
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for your very kind comments.
Comment from Tpa
Great ending! You really kept this reader well entertain. I liked your humorous comparison of a prison and the hospital. Also, the weaving of the past that set up the ending. It certainly is a good story, which I hope brings you into the winnings.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Great ending! You really kept this reader well entertain. I liked your humorous comparison of a prison and the hospital. Also, the weaving of the past that set up the ending. It certainly is a good story, which I hope brings you into the winnings.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you so much for the wonderful 6 stars and generous comment. Much appreciated!
Comment from Hitcher
Nice, I enjoyed reading your well written supernatural story friend, the sins of ones bast finally catching up with you and frightening the old bad-ass into killing himself...nothing wrong with that,well done!
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Nice, I enjoyed reading your well written supernatural story friend, the sins of ones bast finally catching up with you and frightening the old bad-ass into killing himself...nothing wrong with that,well done!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and your kind comments. I am so happy you enjoyed.
