New Neighbors
A welcome he won't forget.8 total reviews
Comment from closetpoetjester
Excellent short story and I promptly buckled myself in for the ride. I could tell it was going to be an interesting afternoon once girls and champagne arrived haha
Whilst I am NO short story writer, I found there were a couple of things worth mentioning.
You switched from past to present tense here:
"Piper has a sleeve tattoo, is shorter, with shoulder length dark brown hair. Taylor has waist length blond hair, long legs, and a really tight body."
...and it made no sense as the whole thing including what was written after this, was past tense, so what goes?
I also found the description in that section a bit stock standard, no offence. Then again, maybe they were just run of the mill ladies haha
Well anyway, I gave a couple of creative suggestions from a ladies pov LOL
If you are talking present tense, then maybe it should be moreso his thoughts and perhaps in italics...
eg.
I see Piper has a stunning sleeve tattoo. She is shorter than her sister and with shiny shoulder length dark brown hair. Taylor is the polar opposite with waist length blond hair, legs up to her neck and some very taut curves.
alternatively go with past tense and make "has" "had"
"Piper (had) a sleeve tattoo, (was quite a bit) shorter, with (soft) shoulder length dark brown hair. Taylor (had) waist length blond hair, legs all the way to heaven and a body to kill for."
Just my thoughts!
Oh, also here...the "passionate kiss" again, sounded a bit cliche...
Before they left, Taylor kissed me goodbye. It was a very passionate kiss that I wasn't expecting, but did...sound a bit Mills and Boon LOL
I'm kidding...but you hear the word "passionate" a lot and it can sound a bit cheesy
What about:
Before they left, Taylor kissed me goodbye. It was a hot, lingering kiss that I wasn't expecting, but did...yadda yadda yadda
Again, just my opinion.
Spice it up a teency bit, but overall a nice, dare I say it, solid pace haha
Cheers P
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Excellent short story and I promptly buckled myself in for the ride. I could tell it was going to be an interesting afternoon once girls and champagne arrived haha
Whilst I am NO short story writer, I found there were a couple of things worth mentioning.
You switched from past to present tense here:
"Piper has a sleeve tattoo, is shorter, with shoulder length dark brown hair. Taylor has waist length blond hair, long legs, and a really tight body."
...and it made no sense as the whole thing including what was written after this, was past tense, so what goes?
I also found the description in that section a bit stock standard, no offence. Then again, maybe they were just run of the mill ladies haha
Well anyway, I gave a couple of creative suggestions from a ladies pov LOL
If you are talking present tense, then maybe it should be moreso his thoughts and perhaps in italics...
eg.
I see Piper has a stunning sleeve tattoo. She is shorter than her sister and with shiny shoulder length dark brown hair. Taylor is the polar opposite with waist length blond hair, legs up to her neck and some very taut curves.
alternatively go with past tense and make "has" "had"
"Piper (had) a sleeve tattoo, (was quite a bit) shorter, with (soft) shoulder length dark brown hair. Taylor (had) waist length blond hair, legs all the way to heaven and a body to kill for."
Just my thoughts!
Oh, also here...the "passionate kiss" again, sounded a bit cliche...
Before they left, Taylor kissed me goodbye. It was a very passionate kiss that I wasn't expecting, but did...sound a bit Mills and Boon LOL
I'm kidding...but you hear the word "passionate" a lot and it can sound a bit cheesy
What about:
Before they left, Taylor kissed me goodbye. It was a hot, lingering kiss that I wasn't expecting, but did...yadda yadda yadda
Again, just my opinion.
Spice it up a teency bit, but overall a nice, dare I say it, solid pace haha
Cheers P
Comment Written 19-Mar-2017
Comment from Ronni
Intriguing take on the 'take and be taken' social intro's and innuendo's;
very much in vogue and nonchalant voyeuristic appeal and allure.
You described your two new neighbor encounters most vividly in
flirtatious spirit and acquiescence; enthralling for all indeed.
Begs the question now, would you have gone to the Masquerade Party
if....this was for real and not fiction?
Best wishes,
Ronni
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
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Intriguing take on the 'take and be taken' social intro's and innuendo's;
very much in vogue and nonchalant voyeuristic appeal and allure.
You described your two new neighbor encounters most vividly in
flirtatious spirit and acquiescence; enthralling for all indeed.
Begs the question now, would you have gone to the Masquerade Party
if....this was for real and not fiction?
Best wishes,
Ronni
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
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Hmm, I might have to invoke my 5th amendment rights on that question, LOL. That pair was definitely hedonistic.
Comment from MelB
An intriguing story with good descriptions of the two neighbors. I'm sure he showed up the following night to the party.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2017
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An intriguing story with good descriptions of the two neighbors. I'm sure he showed up the following night to the party.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2017
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When I saw him that night, he was sprinting to their door, LOL. Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from apky
Well, I'm intrigued and sure there will be a continuation of this story. It brought back memories of a visit I paid to New Jersey during my Uni years when the parents of a girlfriend bought new property there.
An enjoyable read.
Apky
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Well, I'm intrigued and sure there will be a continuation of this story. It brought back memories of a visit I paid to New Jersey during my Uni years when the parents of a girlfriend bought new property there.
An enjoyable read.
Apky
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
Comment from chcbeck
Great character description and level of intrigue. It makes you want to read more. Great contest entry I wish you luck and thanks for sharing.
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Great character description and level of intrigue. It makes you want to read more. Great contest entry I wish you luck and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
Comment from Mustang Patty
A well penned piece filled with intrigue. I hope he isn't devoured at the private party. These girls sound like they may eat him alive. The story flows well, and your use of dialogue moved the story along nicely. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
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A well penned piece filled with intrigue. I hope he isn't devoured at the private party. These girls sound like they may eat him alive. The story flows well, and your use of dialogue moved the story along nicely. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
Comment from Hitcher
That is the kind of house warming any warm blooded single man dreams of and this lucky ...... has more to come. Nice! You painted a seductive scene and one which would have most readers wanting to know what happens next. Which is what you want as a writer is it not ?
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That is the kind of house warming any warm blooded single man dreams of and this lucky ...... has more to come. Nice! You painted a seductive scene and one which would have most readers wanting to know what happens next. Which is what you want as a writer is it not ?
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
Comment from mmonaghan777
The writing was going so well until "boobs". Really? Boobs. Then she took her "sisters" when I thought there was only one sister and 3 glasses. One for him.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2017
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The writing was going so well until "boobs". Really? Boobs. Then she took her "sisters" when I thought there was only one sister and 3 glasses. One for him.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2017
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Thank you for pointing out my errors. They were helpful.
