The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Piper, part 13"Young Adult Fantasy
22 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good opening paragraph to this instalment with Piper's emotional wrangling.
Good instances of showing, not telling in the descriptions, especially of the cold Piper endures.
Nice Segway into Piper's memories and backstory. very well-handled.
Memories may warm my thoughts, but I should keep the fire going.
- that's a very nice line.
Very nice ending. good enjoyable read.
G
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Hi there,
Good opening paragraph to this instalment with Piper's emotional wrangling.
Good instances of showing, not telling in the descriptions, especially of the cold Piper endures.
Nice Segway into Piper's memories and backstory. very well-handled.
Memories may warm my thoughts, but I should keep the fire going.
- that's a very nice line.
Very nice ending. good enjoyable read.
G
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Hi G,
Thank you for the encouraging review and your comments about the writing techniques you found worked well. I appreciate you following the story and am delighted you found it an enjoyable read.
Debi
Comment from Jay Squires
Ah, a Fantasy. You write it so well, W.J. Not an easy labor if you don't enjoy it. Then it would lack credibility. Yours does not. I believe a wolf can talk and be feminine ... and perhaps even desirable. Have you read any Patrick Rothfuss? "Name of the Wind," particularly. You'd enjoy it, I know.
Here are a few comments and nits I uncovered (oversights, I'm sure). I like this
Pacing back and forth didn't help. Stoking the fire every five or six minutes didn't help. Sitting at the mouth of the cave and staring past the fire into the darkness wondering what time it was didn't help. [Fine opening paragraph for this chapter. The repetition of "didn't help" created a pleasant echo.]
And his is trying to save Rupert, isn't he? [Either you intended "And HE is trying ... or His (life)? is trying to save Rupert, which--to me--sounds awkward.]
leaving it colder that is should be for a day in late spring. [... colder THAN IT (?) should be ...]
to cook some porridge, but he wasn't certain how to do it. [1/3 cup Old Fashioned Oats, 1 cup water, microwave 3 ½ minutes. 1 tsp butter, sugar and cream to taste. Pass it on.]
At first he played the tune simply, [Need a comma after "first"]
A piece of wood in the fire popped loudly, jolting Piper's thoughts back to the small cave now serving as his shelter. [Excellent transition from the flashback to present action. I'm going to guess you have some experience with flutes ... or you've done a ton of research.]
Memories may warm my thoughts, but I should keep the fire going. [Excellent.]
To contol the quivering he felt [To CONTROL the quivering ...]
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Ah, a Fantasy. You write it so well, W.J. Not an easy labor if you don't enjoy it. Then it would lack credibility. Yours does not. I believe a wolf can talk and be feminine ... and perhaps even desirable. Have you read any Patrick Rothfuss? "Name of the Wind," particularly. You'd enjoy it, I know.
Here are a few comments and nits I uncovered (oversights, I'm sure). I like this
Pacing back and forth didn't help. Stoking the fire every five or six minutes didn't help. Sitting at the mouth of the cave and staring past the fire into the darkness wondering what time it was didn't help. [Fine opening paragraph for this chapter. The repetition of "didn't help" created a pleasant echo.]
And his is trying to save Rupert, isn't he? [Either you intended "And HE is trying ... or His (life)? is trying to save Rupert, which--to me--sounds awkward.]
leaving it colder that is should be for a day in late spring. [... colder THAN IT (?) should be ...]
to cook some porridge, but he wasn't certain how to do it. [1/3 cup Old Fashioned Oats, 1 cup water, microwave 3 ½ minutes. 1 tsp butter, sugar and cream to taste. Pass it on.]
At first he played the tune simply, [Need a comma after "first"]
A piece of wood in the fire popped loudly, jolting Piper's thoughts back to the small cave now serving as his shelter. [Excellent transition from the flashback to present action. I'm going to guess you have some experience with flutes ... or you've done a ton of research.]
Memories may warm my thoughts, but I should keep the fire going. [Excellent.]
To contol the quivering he felt [To CONTROL the quivering ...]
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you for a most helpful and enjoyable review. I am sure Piper will love the recipe for porridge. Now if only he had a microwave. LOL. I will have to check out Patrick Rothfuss. I vary my reading, but I do like a good fantasy novel/series. Thank you for the recommendation.
I appreciate you taking time to point out the SPAG. I posted too late at night, and even though I went over it at least a dozen times, I did not catch those nits. Thank you also for pointing out what worked well. It is nice to get positive reinforcement and know what to keep doing.
As far as the flute, I play a few other instruments, but the flute is on my list for the future.
Thanks again for a wonderful review. The help is so valuable.
Comment from ciliverde
Such a fascinating story, told with just the right amount of magic/fantasy so that it feels realistic. I really like the elves although the are mysterious and certainly far from benign.
I noticed a couple of odd characters crept into you lines, in two places - noted below.
"Come now," Grandfather had said, and winked at Piper again. "He's a natural. Music runs in his blood. It's his birthright even more than it is mine."Ã?
You said this tune had deeper magic and would protect me.Ã?
Very nicely done. I think I've missed a chapter or two, unfortunately.
Carol
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2017
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Such a fascinating story, told with just the right amount of magic/fantasy so that it feels realistic. I really like the elves although the are mysterious and certainly far from benign.
I noticed a couple of odd characters crept into you lines, in two places - noted below.
"Come now," Grandfather had said, and winked at Piper again. "He's a natural. Music runs in his blood. It's his birthright even more than it is mine."Ã?
You said this tune had deeper magic and would protect me.Ã?
Very nicely done. I think I've missed a chapter or two, unfortunately.
Carol
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2017
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Hi Carol,
Thank you for the encouraging remarks about the magic of the story. It's nice to hear that you like the elves, even though they may or may not be benign. Thank you for pointing out those unusual characters in the script. I find they creep in when switching back and forth between basic and advanced editor. I thought I caught them all. Obviously, I didn't.
Comment from Mastery
Wonderful chapter, debi. Iliked this narrative :
"A smile crept into his lips. Of course, the obvious. There was no truer companion than his flute. They had grown up together. It understood his moods, his needs. It knew how to console, soothe, heal, inspire. It knew how to transport him beyond time and place."
Very good writing from start to finish. You are a gifted writer, my friend. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Wonderful chapter, debi. Iliked this narrative :
"A smile crept into his lips. Of course, the obvious. There was no truer companion than his flute. They had grown up together. It understood his moods, his needs. It knew how to console, soothe, heal, inspire. It knew how to transport him beyond time and place."
Very good writing from start to finish. You are a gifted writer, my friend. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Bob. Thank you for pointing out what you liked. I appreciate the encouragement. Debi
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
This is such a clever piece of writing. I loved your characters and I loved your style of writing, pacy and interest maintained. I think you did a great job here very well done kindest regeards Meia x
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2017
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This is such a clever piece of writing. I loved your characters and I loved your style of writing, pacy and interest maintained. I think you did a great job here very well done kindest regeards Meia x
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging remarks Meia. I appreciate you dropping in to read and review.
Comment from apky
A smile crept into his lips. Of course, the obvious. There was no truer companion than his flute. They had grown up together. It understood his moods, his needs. It knew how to console, soothe, heal, inspire. It knew how to transport him beyond time and place. (This well-written scene reminded me of myself, of those moments when nothing else comforts me but my quiet moment of bashing out words on the keyboard!)
Thank you for such an entertaining and moving story.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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A smile crept into his lips. Of course, the obvious. There was no truer companion than his flute. They had grown up together. It understood his moods, his needs. It knew how to console, soothe, heal, inspire. It knew how to transport him beyond time and place. (This well-written scene reminded me of myself, of those moments when nothing else comforts me but my quiet moment of bashing out words on the keyboard!)
Thank you for such an entertaining and moving story.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging words. I am pleased that you related to the character. Keep bashing out those words on your keyboard!
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, this is absolutely lovely. I haven't read any of the other installments, but I had no difficulty following on. I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Hi there, this is absolutely lovely. I haven't read any of the other installments, but I had no difficulty following on. I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind words, Ulla. I am delighted to hear you liked the story.
Comment from kriver
Hi,
This really an intriguing kind of tale.
A very different but good
type of story line
The dialogue in the thought process and the regular verbal exchange was good and holds the interest of the reader well moving the story forward
Best regards,
K River
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Hi,
This really an intriguing kind of tale.
A very different but good
type of story line
The dialogue in the thought process and the regular verbal exchange was good and holds the interest of the reader well moving the story forward
Best regards,
K River
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Hi K River,
Thank you for the kind comments about the story. I appreciate you stopping in to read and review. I am happy you found the story intriguing.
Comment from robertlmcgraw
Beautiful writing! Even though I haven't read the previous entries, I had no problems catching up. Your descriptions and emotions are clear and well described. The only thought I can give (and its a small one) is just in the word usage. Just seemed a little 'over-explained' in a few small places. Your descriptions are smooth and very 'magical'. Just a few places where the word used could be replaced with another to keep that magic at 10. Again, very small thing. Thank you. I enjoyed reading this piece.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Beautiful writing! Even though I haven't read the previous entries, I had no problems catching up. Your descriptions and emotions are clear and well described. The only thought I can give (and its a small one) is just in the word usage. Just seemed a little 'over-explained' in a few small places. Your descriptions are smooth and very 'magical'. Just a few places where the word used could be replaced with another to keep that magic at 10. Again, very small thing. Thank you. I enjoyed reading this piece.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the excellent review. Based on your comments I did some editing and took out things that seemed unnecessary. I think it reads better.
Comment from RGstar
I am a sucker for magical tales. Grew up on CS Lewis, and this is so nice to read, and would be a good pastime if I had more time, to read.
It was nice to come in and visit, so to read something of this sort. The magic will stay with me till I die. A seemingly new take on the Pied Piper, but very much enriched.
Very good author. Keep going.
I will look in again, when can.
My best wishes.
RGstar
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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I am a sucker for magical tales. Grew up on CS Lewis, and this is so nice to read, and would be a good pastime if I had more time, to read.
It was nice to come in and visit, so to read something of this sort. The magic will stay with me till I die. A seemingly new take on the Pied Piper, but very much enriched.
Very good author. Keep going.
I will look in again, when can.
My best wishes.
RGstar
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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Hi RGstar,
You are perceptive. This is indeed my take on the old Piper's tale. Where did he come from and why did he do it? But first he has to grow up and find out who he is. Thanks for stopping in.
Debi
