Comment from rama devi

Excellent

I LOVE THIS, dear One. It's so powerful and important and well voiced. It clearly stems from your deepest heart filled with concern and passionate intent to help transform people's attitudes. Wake them up. I love your intensity, enhanced by the repeating lines that grow in a crescendo to the potent closing;

And what are we doing here?
Tell me what are we doing here?
What should we be doing!

Love the use of a ! instead of ? in the closing line.

I did find a lot of rhythmic stumbles for me with non-grammatical commas and some other small spag, which is why I don't award this the six it deserves on the level on content and impact. It needs fine tuning on a mechanical level, in my honest opinion. Here are some suggestions (and some corrections):


NOTES
*
Doing as we please, and drink(ing) from the elder's cup

*
But the story that was paid for,(no ,) is not what you expect

*
Histories(,) unwanted, just led to more neglect

*
Spinning round in mental realms, minds becomes confused

minds is plural, so becomes needs to lose the s

minds become confused.


*
All the gold and silver pillaged,(no ,) by greedy unknown souls

*
The Earth(,) She cries out loud, not wanting to be sold

And what are we doing here?

*
Little children(,) growing up, lose innocence and youth

*
The elders there to teach them,(no ,) already have lost control

OUTSTANDING LINE (and fine alliteration too):

Filth is feeding everyone and burying their sacred souls

*
The evil rulers disappear,(no ,) when we bury them with lies

*
Many, many, billionaires,(no ,) have much more than they need

*
A tiny little parasite,(no ,) feeds an insatiable devouring greed

*
Stories stretching endlessly,(--) lies fill the empty void

*
Misconceptions of reality,(no ,) create masks that rule the world

*
Peace on Earth(--)a concept, swept beneath ruler(')s feet (LOVE THIS LINE!!!!)

I hope you polish this poem and then PUBLISH it.

Bravo

Love,
rd

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017

Thanks for the pointers. Because I was writing a song I used the commas as a kind of break. It could be a poem or part of a song.

reply by rama devi on 04-Mar-2017

Ah, I see. I think the song quality shines through without using those commas, personally. :)

Comment from papa55mike

Excellent

Well this is a great poem about how our society has sold itself to the pit of despair. We fill no empathy and our children don't have a clue what it is. Their idea of Love is what can you do for me this second. Your poem bring that our beautifully! Think about putting your next one in a contest, there's a million of them on this site

Have a great day and God bless.
mike

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017

Thanks for the vote of confidence

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Your question posed in the poem has no happy answer. The state of affairs in the world is very sad. Yes, people are abused, and so is Mother Earth. Thank you for sharing this well penned poem,
~patty~

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017

Thank you