Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Desert Confrontation"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
25 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Well, howdy Ma'am.
Let's go for a run through the desert and see if we can reach the highway before getting attacked by a mob of angry, big cats!
The road, just ahead, beckoned like a(an) unrequited lover.
"As he was running for safety, Sani stepped in a hole and fell to the ground." (I was wondering how the old bloke would handle the gallop... oops!)
Have to go and let them manager into the store.
I'm back now, my slave... oops... manager needed to get the door unlocked so he could get out! (Only in the Philippines.)
"Everyone froze in mid(-)action"
"Well, look who we have here. Koko," (I'd be inclined to put another couple of "well" in... like the coppers of old used to say..."Well, well, well, look who we have here!")
"and several scrapes were visible on (her) exposed skin."
"They'd slap you in a cage and perform all sorts of terrible experiments." (Ahhhh, a bit of the old pot calling the kettle black.)
"She shook her head as though in doing so, she could shake away the disgust she felt." (That's about what I did.)Â
"Not only is carrying a baby vulgar, you have no idea what it is. Carrying a puppy, Coyote Girl?" (I want to bury this prick up to his neck in the sand, pour honey on him and watch the meat ants eat him alive! That's an old Nyamal tribal punishment that I witnessed a couple of times.)
"That was a(-a) quick," Junior laughed. "Is that all you've got, Senator?"
Wow, I love a good fight and that was a good one and beautifully described.
The action keeps on coming and is working very well.
Let's hope they can get there this time.
Quality penmanship.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2017
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Well, howdy Ma'am.
Let's go for a run through the desert and see if we can reach the highway before getting attacked by a mob of angry, big cats!
The road, just ahead, beckoned like a(an) unrequited lover.
"As he was running for safety, Sani stepped in a hole and fell to the ground." (I was wondering how the old bloke would handle the gallop... oops!)
Have to go and let them manager into the store.
I'm back now, my slave... oops... manager needed to get the door unlocked so he could get out! (Only in the Philippines.)
"Everyone froze in mid(-)action"
"Well, look who we have here. Koko," (I'd be inclined to put another couple of "well" in... like the coppers of old used to say..."Well, well, well, look who we have here!")
"and several scrapes were visible on (her) exposed skin."
"They'd slap you in a cage and perform all sorts of terrible experiments." (Ahhhh, a bit of the old pot calling the kettle black.)
"She shook her head as though in doing so, she could shake away the disgust she felt." (That's about what I did.)Â
"Not only is carrying a baby vulgar, you have no idea what it is. Carrying a puppy, Coyote Girl?" (I want to bury this prick up to his neck in the sand, pour honey on him and watch the meat ants eat him alive! That's an old Nyamal tribal punishment that I witnessed a couple of times.)
"That was a(-a) quick," Junior laughed. "Is that all you've got, Senator?"
Wow, I love a good fight and that was a good one and beautifully described.
The action keeps on coming and is working very well.
Let's hope they can get there this time.
Quality penmanship.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 30-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2017
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Thank you Sani-Feral. Your wisdom is so helpful. I'll probably wait until it's finished, then go back and make the changes before publishing. I'm pretty sure that's what you already said. haha.
I should bring up the meat ant thing. I wonder if we have them in the desert here. People love gruesome...
I like the well, well, well thing. Brilliant!!
Thanks again, pal,
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lol. You don't have "Meat ants" as we do in Aus, however, you do have "Army ants" which are nomadic meat eating ants that hunt at night. You also have fire ants... ouch! Now we just need to find a strong smelling, sweet plant to smother him in and then he is in trouble. Because these animal/people are so afraid of animals and insects I think it would add to the scene.
Comment from w.j.debi
Lots of exciting action in this chapter. Ayala has crossed the line now and cannot go back to the life she knew. Choosing her sister over her training is a brave decision. Seems our senator is in great shape for a politician. Now everyone run. Great chapter
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Lots of exciting action in this chapter. Ayala has crossed the line now and cannot go back to the life she knew. Choosing her sister over her training is a brave decision. Seems our senator is in great shape for a politician. Now everyone run. Great chapter
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Yes, he is rather fit for his position, isn't he? Good observation. How much easier it is to pick up on subtleties when you read chapters in a row like you are. Thank you for doing so,
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, first of all, the artwork you chose is so perfect for this story. It shows what the characters of Koko, Ayala, Junior and the others from the Hokee are.
This story has an excellent mixture of drama, dialogue, escape attempt and the fight between Archie and Junior. Ayala, making the choice not to return, for me was a happy turning point. I still have it in my mind that her and Archie may become an item! (Don't say anything OK! Just let me dream!) Sani may have saved the day with his diversion!
Your stories keep me locked in from start to finish, Rhonda. I really enjoy this book you are writing and sharing with us.
Take care and enjoy this Sunday my friend
Jim
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Rhonda, first of all, the artwork you chose is so perfect for this story. It shows what the characters of Koko, Ayala, Junior and the others from the Hokee are.
This story has an excellent mixture of drama, dialogue, escape attempt and the fight between Archie and Junior. Ayala, making the choice not to return, for me was a happy turning point. I still have it in my mind that her and Archie may become an item! (Don't say anything OK! Just let me dream!) Sani may have saved the day with his diversion!
Your stories keep me locked in from start to finish, Rhonda. I really enjoy this book you are writing and sharing with us.
Take care and enjoy this Sunday my friend
Jim
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Jim!! You always leave such upbeat and supportive reviews. You warm my heart!
You have a great Sunday, too, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
The accompanying picture is a fantastic correlation to the story. It's quite interesting how junior uses his animal DNA to justify his animalistic actions when convenient - just like real life - nobody takes responsibility for their own actions. It's always someone, or something, else's fault. I really like the character, Sani. I think of him as a 'Yoda' of sorts. With the exception of the big ears, I have him pictured, in my mind's eye, quite a lot like Yoda! This story is really moving along. There hasn't been anything that slowed it down and made me lose interest. You've held my attention since I first started reading, all those chapters ago!
I noticed a few things along the way.
And then, as often happens when victory seems just within grasp, disaster struck. (This is the narrator's opinion, and not allowed in 3rd person POV. Only Omniscient POV allows authors to inject their own opinions.)
First, Sani stumbled in a hole and fell to the ground, and then Koko tripped over him, flipping head over heels. (There are several things going on, here. You don't need to tell the reader 'first' because you've written it first. Stories are usually written in chronological order, rather than disjointed or juxtaposed, so readers know it happened first. On the same premise - you don't need to say 'then' Koko tripped. The word 'then' means 'next.' The way you wrote it, the reader knows Koko's tripping came next. This could be just me, but 'Sani stumbled in a hole' doesn't work right in my head. For me, you stumble over a rock, a clump of grass - something that is in the way of a smooth step - almost, but not quite, a 'trip.' It reads better, for me, as 'Sani stepped in a hole and' etc. This sentence could be tightened up and be stronger if made into two sentences, such as, 'Sani stepped into a hole and fell to the ground. Koko tripped over him and flipped head over heels.' One more thing and I'll leave this sentence alone! LOL 'head over heels' is a cliché. )
He punched, kicked[,] and wrestled several (need comma where indicated)
The three began to roll around, trading powerful punches. (Your choice, but for me, this is a great place for 'showing' the fight, rather than 'telling' us they traded punches. It would be a good action scene.)
"That's quite enough," {an authoritative voice boomed out} (This is used as a tag line, but it is descriptive narrative. It doesn't identify the speaker.)
Everyone froze in mid action... Junior had shown up. He stood tall and formidable in the evening light, small predatory eyes searching with intensity. His long, hooked nose pointed around until it fell on Ayala. "Well, look who we have here. Koko, I would expect such behavior from you, but, Ayala, I can't believe you're part of this foolishness." (It's not good practice to bury dialogue in narrative. Dialogue is stronger if it has its own paragraph.)
Ayala looked at her sister. Dust covered her clothing from her fall, and several scrapes were visible on exposed skin. Her eyes were narrowed in anger. A protective hand rested on her unborn child. (The antecedent for all pronouns in this paragraph is Ayala, thus making the paragraph all about Ayala.)
You're his creation[,] and he cares for you (add comma where indicated)
"That's crazy," was all Koko could think to say. (Tag line mixed with narrative)
Carrying a puppy, Coyote Girl? (I love this line. I likened it to the Twilight series, when Edward told Jacob to give Bella 'puppies' if that would make her happy. Love it!)
{And then,} from out of nowhere, a blinding flash filled the air, completely obscuring vision. ('And then' isn't needed. If you slightly reworded this sentence it would eliminate excess verbiage, tighten it up, and make it stronger writing, such as 'Out of nowhere, a flash blinded them and obscured all vision.')
Sorry it took a couple of days to get to this. I'm behind in my reviewing, again. It doesn't seem to take much to get behind.
Bring on that next chapter! :o) I want to see what happens!
Suzanne
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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The accompanying picture is a fantastic correlation to the story. It's quite interesting how junior uses his animal DNA to justify his animalistic actions when convenient - just like real life - nobody takes responsibility for their own actions. It's always someone, or something, else's fault. I really like the character, Sani. I think of him as a 'Yoda' of sorts. With the exception of the big ears, I have him pictured, in my mind's eye, quite a lot like Yoda! This story is really moving along. There hasn't been anything that slowed it down and made me lose interest. You've held my attention since I first started reading, all those chapters ago!
I noticed a few things along the way.
And then, as often happens when victory seems just within grasp, disaster struck. (This is the narrator's opinion, and not allowed in 3rd person POV. Only Omniscient POV allows authors to inject their own opinions.)
First, Sani stumbled in a hole and fell to the ground, and then Koko tripped over him, flipping head over heels. (There are several things going on, here. You don't need to tell the reader 'first' because you've written it first. Stories are usually written in chronological order, rather than disjointed or juxtaposed, so readers know it happened first. On the same premise - you don't need to say 'then' Koko tripped. The word 'then' means 'next.' The way you wrote it, the reader knows Koko's tripping came next. This could be just me, but 'Sani stumbled in a hole' doesn't work right in my head. For me, you stumble over a rock, a clump of grass - something that is in the way of a smooth step - almost, but not quite, a 'trip.' It reads better, for me, as 'Sani stepped in a hole and' etc. This sentence could be tightened up and be stronger if made into two sentences, such as, 'Sani stepped into a hole and fell to the ground. Koko tripped over him and flipped head over heels.' One more thing and I'll leave this sentence alone! LOL 'head over heels' is a cliché. )
He punched, kicked[,] and wrestled several (need comma where indicated)
The three began to roll around, trading powerful punches. (Your choice, but for me, this is a great place for 'showing' the fight, rather than 'telling' us they traded punches. It would be a good action scene.)
"That's quite enough," {an authoritative voice boomed out} (This is used as a tag line, but it is descriptive narrative. It doesn't identify the speaker.)
Everyone froze in mid action... Junior had shown up. He stood tall and formidable in the evening light, small predatory eyes searching with intensity. His long, hooked nose pointed around until it fell on Ayala. "Well, look who we have here. Koko, I would expect such behavior from you, but, Ayala, I can't believe you're part of this foolishness." (It's not good practice to bury dialogue in narrative. Dialogue is stronger if it has its own paragraph.)
Ayala looked at her sister. Dust covered her clothing from her fall, and several scrapes were visible on exposed skin. Her eyes were narrowed in anger. A protective hand rested on her unborn child. (The antecedent for all pronouns in this paragraph is Ayala, thus making the paragraph all about Ayala.)
You're his creation[,] and he cares for you (add comma where indicated)
"That's crazy," was all Koko could think to say. (Tag line mixed with narrative)
Carrying a puppy, Coyote Girl? (I love this line. I likened it to the Twilight series, when Edward told Jacob to give Bella 'puppies' if that would make her happy. Love it!)
{And then,} from out of nowhere, a blinding flash filled the air, completely obscuring vision. ('And then' isn't needed. If you slightly reworded this sentence it would eliminate excess verbiage, tighten it up, and make it stronger writing, such as 'Out of nowhere, a flash blinded them and obscured all vision.')
Sorry it took a couple of days to get to this. I'm behind in my reviewing, again. It doesn't seem to take much to get behind.
Bring on that next chapter! :o) I want to see what happens!
Suzanne
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Oh wow, thank you so much for all the details. Several of these parts I wasn't real comfortable with, either, but wasn't sure how to fix it. That's where careful eyes like yours comes in handy, and much appreciated.
You've really taken a lot of your time, and you have no idea how much this means to me. I think your review was longer than the story. Haha.
You get six stars for the review, my friend.
Thank you over and over,
Rhonda
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Glad to help! :o)
Comment from robyn corum
Rhonda,
You manage to keep the interest level high. Good going! Unfortunately, I still found some nits. (RATS!)
Some notes:
1.) three began to roll around, trading powerful punches.
.
"That's quite enough," an authoritative voice boomed out.
--> floating punctuation in there
2.) "Animals don't have rights," Junior sneered.
--> this is the second time in just a minute that Junior has sneered. Can you do something different instead?
3.) out like you, nor (be) held accountable for human morals."
Thanks!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Rhonda,
You manage to keep the interest level high. Good going! Unfortunately, I still found some nits. (RATS!)
Some notes:
1.) three began to roll around, trading powerful punches.
.
"That's quite enough," an authoritative voice boomed out.
--> floating punctuation in there
2.) "Animals don't have rights," Junior sneered.
--> this is the second time in just a minute that Junior has sneered. Can you do something different instead?
3.) out like you, nor (be) held accountable for human morals."
Thanks!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Robyn. How very sweet of you to write such a helpful and supportive review!! Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Douglas Paul
An interesting confrontation that ran high with tension. I was riveted to the storyline. I like the way you left it. Can't wait to see what that disturbance was
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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An interesting confrontation that ran high with tension. I was riveted to the storyline. I like the way you left it. Can't wait to see what that disturbance was
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Douglas!! I appreciate your ongoing support. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from kriver
Hi Rhonda,
This was an interesting chapter
with lots of action
The verbal interaction was
well done
Over all it is a good write
Best regards,
K River
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Hi Rhonda,
This was an interesting chapter
with lots of action
The verbal interaction was
well done
Over all it is a good write
Best regards,
K River
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
-
Thank you K!! I appreciate the time and effort you took to write it!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
A very interesting confrontation between the escapees
and their pursuers from Hokee.
Koko learns the truth and the ramifications will become
more evident when she has time to think about it.
It seems Junior might also be part animal,
or did I misinterpret that line?
And it seems he's willing to commit murder
beyond the Hokee charter.
I don't know if that means he's human or animal.
Sani comes to the rescue once again.
Where would we be without Sani?
Excellent chapter, my friend.
I'm afraid I have no sixes left,
but this is written on the same high level as the other chapters.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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A very interesting confrontation between the escapees
and their pursuers from Hokee.
Koko learns the truth and the ramifications will become
more evident when she has time to think about it.
It seems Junior might also be part animal,
or did I misinterpret that line?
And it seems he's willing to commit murder
beyond the Hokee charter.
I don't know if that means he's human or animal.
Sani comes to the rescue once again.
Where would we be without Sani?
Excellent chapter, my friend.
I'm afraid I have no sixes left,
but this is written on the same high level as the other chapters.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the virtual six. I know how hard it is to hold onto them!
Junior is part Hawk as he's in the Hawk house. There will be more on that later, but Leander, the leader of the scientist crew contributed part of his DNA to the mix. The Hufacs made of male and female DNA, with animal spliced in. So, Leander is really his father. Each of the initial scientists have a least one child in the mix.
Thank you, again, for all your help,
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I wish I had a six left. You did a wonderful job with this post and left a fantastic hook. I am hoping everybody gets away safely. Archie is doing his best.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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I wish I had a six left. You did a wonderful job with this post and left a fantastic hook. I am hoping everybody gets away safely. Archie is doing his best.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Barbara!! You are a wonderful support, and I'll take that virtual six, especially from you.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from emptypage
Yes!
I don't know how long it will last, and I'm still feeling really certain about Archie's dad, but for this second, they are free again.
Eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Yes!
I don't know how long it will last, and I'm still feeling really certain about Archie's dad, but for this second, they are free again.
Eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, my friend. Unfortunately, Archie's dad is a long way away.
Take care,
Rhonda
