Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Chapter Funf part vier"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
36 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now Anderson knows why she left the penthouse, I expect that's what he will be speaking to Shana about. I think I'd stay there and never leave! Sounds a lovely safe and comfortable way to live!! That's another thing sorted, those two policemen will watch out for her as well if anyone else tries to harm her. Love those dogs! Excellent, Barbara. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Now Anderson knows why she left the penthouse, I expect that's what he will be speaking to Shana about. I think I'd stay there and never leave! Sounds a lovely safe and comfortable way to live!! That's another thing sorted, those two policemen will watch out for her as well if anyone else tries to harm her. Love those dogs! Excellent, Barbara. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I love the dogs myself. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mustang Patty
I continue to be amazed at your ability to move the story along with dialogue. I have been working on my dialogue skills to give my stories more depth - but I usually end up with my pieces being written without much dialogue and move the story along in narrative from an omnipotent point of view.
I look forward to more chapters,
Nit: 'and is charge of my cars' - did you mean 'is in charge of my cars?'
~patty~
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I continue to be amazed at your ability to move the story along with dialogue. I have been working on my dialogue skills to give my stories more depth - but I usually end up with my pieces being written without much dialogue and move the story along in narrative from an omnipotent point of view.
I look forward to more chapters,
Nit: 'and is charge of my cars' - did you mean 'is in charge of my cars?'
~patty~
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I have made the correction. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sixty70
A not very helpful interview with the police. At least these guys are in jail for the weekend. The dialogue seems natural for the most part (one hiccup, below). The story continues to move along, and the pacing seems spot on.
Favorite: "So bottom line is unless they hurt me, you can't do anything, right?"
If I had a quarter for every time a woman was told this, I'd be rich!
SPAG:
Shana described the history of her family in Germany and fleeing to the United States and the how her uncle died in a concentration camp. Maybe 'their fleeing'? and an extra 'the' in front of how.
"Can you be of any help retrieving my ..." I wonder if this might be shortened to "Can you help..." As for the dialogue and 'retrieve' I don't know anyone here in Kansas who would use this word. We'd say 'get'. I suppose it depends where you are!
is charge of my cars I think you need 'in'
when dinners ready dinner's
with is lawyer his
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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A not very helpful interview with the police. At least these guys are in jail for the weekend. The dialogue seems natural for the most part (one hiccup, below). The story continues to move along, and the pacing seems spot on.
Favorite: "So bottom line is unless they hurt me, you can't do anything, right?"
If I had a quarter for every time a woman was told this, I'd be rich!
SPAG:
Shana described the history of her family in Germany and fleeing to the United States and the how her uncle died in a concentration camp. Maybe 'their fleeing'? and an extra 'the' in front of how.
"Can you be of any help retrieving my ..." I wonder if this might be shortened to "Can you help..." As for the dialogue and 'retrieve' I don't know anyone here in Kansas who would use this word. We'd say 'get'. I suppose it depends where you are!
is charge of my cars I think you need 'in'
when dinners ready dinner's
with is lawyer his
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Shana is a high school English teacher, she would us retrieve. She might be the only person. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was well done. Just an idea - not sure it's a good one - but I know cops and they love to give examples of what happens when you do something like get in a car. Perhaps when he says do you know how dangerous it is he could give one of those examples. Not sure - just an idea but it might flesh out personalities more. Overall, another strong chapter. Great job again.
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reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I thought this was well done. Just an idea - not sure it's a good one - but I know cops and they love to give examples of what happens when you do something like get in a car. Perhaps when he says do you know how dangerous it is he could give one of those examples. Not sure - just an idea but it might flesh out personalities more. Overall, another strong chapter. Great job again.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I don't put in any extra material in my posts. If it doesn't move the story along it's not there. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
Interesting continuation. I'm glad everyone's okay -- for now. *smile* Who knows what you have up your sleeve! Some notes:
1.) the United States and (then?) how her uncle died in a concentration camp.
2.) and overheard him speaking with (his) lawyer.
Thanks!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Barbara,
Interesting continuation. I'm glad everyone's okay -- for now. *smile* Who knows what you have up your sleeve! Some notes:
1.) the United States and (then?) how her uncle died in a concentration camp.
2.) and overheard him speaking with (his) lawyer.
Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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I do like the 'and then'. I make the corrections. I appreciate the help.
Comment from c_lucas
This chapter helped you to get rid of the police. I would expect you to bring in the top of the batting list; the heavy hitters. Your post is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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This chapter helped you to get rid of the police. I would expect you to bring in the top of the batting list; the heavy hitters. Your post is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Wait till you see what I have next in store, or maybe down the road. Thank you for the kind review.
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Is Fi going to be in the story line????
