Comment from Ella25

Excellent

It is a very well presented haiku, Zanya. You used unusual words to describe the animal and supporting image wraps the creation nicely. Well done. With love, Ella

 Comment Written 23-Feb-2017

---

reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017

Thanks for the critique zanya

Comment from Leineco

Excellent

ahhhhh. . .back in the day ;-)

It does look vaguely "out of time", doesn't it? Retro is such a perfect
expression of that concept :-)

Nicely done haiku & picture pairing :-)

 Comment Written 18-Feb-2017

---

reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017

Great review thanks for reading zanya

Comment from Lu Saluna

Excellent

this is a very good and witty haiku
the first two lines for a very good image in my mind and the satori brings us back to a simpler time for the "loyal ox" who made our lives easier.
"retro fine dining" - This is wonderful

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2017

---

reply by the author on 22-Feb-2017

Thanks for reading zanya

Comment from mountainwriter49

Excellent

Second Review: 5 Stars
First Review: 4 Stars

Zanya,

This is much better since you removed the abstract second line. I also like the revised satori line better. Just a few other suggestions:

Ancients' = ancients' (remove the capitalized A
savory = 3 syllables. This line is easily fixed by:
forages savory grass

Thanks for getting back to me.
-Ray



Good Morning, Poet,

I enjoyed reading your poem this morning; however, it strikes me as a Western style 5-7-5 poetic form rather than a nature haiku. Please let me explain.

The poem does not capture an observable moment in time. It speaks of the time of ancient man and as the ox being a beast of burden. The poem presents abstract images rather than concrete images. There is use of simile in line 2.

If this were a 5-7-5 poetic entry, I would easily give it a five star rating. I regret I cannot do so with it being presented as a haiku. If you make edits, please let me know and I'll be glad to return and review again.

-Ray

 Comment Written 16-Feb-2017

---

reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017

Thanks for the critique and your time re 'observable moment in time'-I have made edits. zanya

reply by mountainwriter49 on 17-Feb-2017

Second Review: 5 Stars
First Review: 4 Stars

Zanya,

This is much better since you removed the abstract second line. I also like the revised satori line better. Just a few other suggestions:

Ancients' = ancients' (remove the capitalized A
savory = 3 syllables. This line is easily fixed by:
forages savory grass

Thanks for getting back to me.
-Ray

reply by the author on 17-Feb-2017

Thanks for this detailed response & suggestions.
Are Capitals ever used in Haiku?
Online syllable counter showed 7 in the original 2nd line- fake news ???
Zanya

reply by mountainwriter49 on 17-Feb-2017

Capitalization should only be used for proper nouns and names.

Savory = say o ry. See dictionary.com. I do not trust syllable counters.

Comment from strivinginsc

Excellent

Format followed and well written. Words works well with photo. From your title, and before I saw the ox, I thought the poem was about the burdens of a man. Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words.

 Comment Written 15-Feb-2017

---

reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017

Thanks for the critique - I have made some adjustments to the original zanya

reply by strivinginsc on 16-Feb-2017

Thanks

reply by strivinginsc on 16-Feb-2017

Thanks

Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

Hello zanya,

The word choices really convey the 'archaic-ness' of the ox as ancient beast of burden.

Well done.

Sonali

 Comment Written 15-Feb-2017

---

reply by the author on 16-Feb-2017

Thanks - I have made edits zanya