Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A haiku ( crows coldly conspire)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
33 total reviews
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Dean, I remember waking up to this sound in Scotland...Noisey critters.
Excellent haiku, well penned as always.
I especially loved line two, it seems there is always a crowd of them:)
Thanks for sharing.
m
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Dear Dean, I remember waking up to this sound in Scotland...Noisey critters.
Excellent haiku, well penned as always.
I especially loved line two, it seems there is always a crowd of them:)
Thanks for sharing.
m
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thank you, Maureen, you're absolutely right.
They're very noisy and rarely travel alone it seems.
Haiku hugs,
~Dean
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Deano
Normally I don't have any advice for your poems. They are always perfect. But I do see a problem with this one, if you'll allow me to explain.
"Crows cower in trees
to display strength in numbers
murder most fowl" ... I love this line, by the way, the play on words with "fowl". That's genius!
But to my point... you contradict yourself. You've got the crows cowering in the trees but displaying strength at the same time. So, I'm thinking "cower" is the wrong verb. Also, I think you should try to keep the scene as present as possible, especially with the sound effects. I suggest "displaying" instead of "to display".
Possibly,
Crows cover the tree
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows crowd in trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows cuss in the trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows camp in the trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows converge in trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or- to venture in a new direction,
Clamorous crows
display strength in numbers
murder most fowl )
I hope some of this helps. And if I'm way off base, please forgive me.
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Hi Deano
Normally I don't have any advice for your poems. They are always perfect. But I do see a problem with this one, if you'll allow me to explain.
"Crows cower in trees
to display strength in numbers
murder most fowl" ... I love this line, by the way, the play on words with "fowl". That's genius!
But to my point... you contradict yourself. You've got the crows cowering in the trees but displaying strength at the same time. So, I'm thinking "cower" is the wrong verb. Also, I think you should try to keep the scene as present as possible, especially with the sound effects. I suggest "displaying" instead of "to display".
Possibly,
Crows cover the tree
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows crowd in trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows cuss in the trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows camp in the trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or-
Crows converge in trees
displaying strength in numbers
murder most fowl
-or- to venture in a new direction,
Clamorous crows
display strength in numbers
murder most fowl )
I hope some of this helps. And if I'm way off base, please forgive me.
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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No, I don't think you're off base at all, Kimbob.
I really appreciate the suggestions.
They're all excellent alternatives.
Thanks for taking the time to do so.
Blessings,
~Dean
Comment from country ranch writer
One crow two crow od ear there are more,they think they can scare me but never more my gun is loaded with buck shot and rock salt to send the on thei way
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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One crow two crow od ear there are more,they think they can scare me but never more my gun is loaded with buck shot and rock salt to send the on thei way
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading this impromptu haiku, CRW.
Enjoy the remainder of your weekend.
~Dean :}
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Smile
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You too
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Smiles
Comment from bookishfabler
I love birds, but these beautiful birds sometimes freak me out. The squawk they have is intense when in numbers. And they are more often than not in numbers. My dogs go nuts when they are in the back yard. The crows are almost as big as my dogs which makes me nervous. Good Morning, Dean. Thanks for sharing.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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I love birds, but these beautiful birds sometimes freak me out. The squawk they have is intense when in numbers. And they are more often than not in numbers. My dogs go nuts when they are in the back yard. The crows are almost as big as my dogs which makes me nervous. Good Morning, Dean. Thanks for sharing.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
Good mourning, Heidi
Yep, we have the same thing here too. There is a massive oak tree in the field just across the road from my house. Every night, crows roost in it causing a major raucous.
Thanks for reading.
Comment from Sis Cat
Yes, murder most foul. This is a fine, dark poem about mysterious, black crows. It carries a mood of impending danger, like a mob of gangsters.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Yes, murder most foul. This is a fine, dark poem about mysterious, black crows. It carries a mood of impending danger, like a mob of gangsters.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Andre.
Much obliged.
~Dean
Comment from lyenochka
I like crows. I don't know that they really "cower" as they seem pretty fearless chasing away eagles. But I appreciate the sound of the alliteration and the play on the "murder" again.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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I like crows. I don't know that they really "cower" as they seem pretty fearless chasing away eagles. But I appreciate the sound of the alliteration and the play on the "murder" again.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Oh, crows cower alright, lyenochka. You'd better believe it.
I saw an entire murder of crows ( well over 100 ) take off and scatter when a gaggle of geese ( about 12 geese ) swooped in after them right across from my house.
They all sat in a huge old oak tree and waited until the geese left the field.
Those geese were outnumbered more than seven to one.
If that ain't cowering, I don't know what is.
Thanks for the comments.
~Dean
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That's smart strategy! Must be really noisy at your place! Have a good and peaceful night.
Comment from DR DIP
Its funny but every time I hear a crow I think they are saying Maaaark maaark maaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!! lol
I always like your play on words in a lot of your haikus I am slowly starting to appreciate that there is some skill in writing three lines lol
thanks for sharing
dip
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Its funny but every time I hear a crow I think they are saying Maaaark maaark maaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!! lol
I always like your play on words in a lot of your haikus I am slowly starting to appreciate that there is some skill in writing three lines lol
thanks for sharing
dip
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Doc.
Much obliged.
~Deano
Comment from Thal1959
Another brilliant Haiku. I was going to mention that I thought Haiku was 5-7-5 and the third line was 4 syllables, but I have seen too many Haiku with differing syllable totals. I wonder how many people will not catch that a "group" of crows is called a murder.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Another brilliant Haiku. I was going to mention that I thought Haiku was 5-7-5 and the third line was 4 syllables, but I have seen too many Haiku with differing syllable totals. I wonder how many people will not catch that a "group" of crows is called a murder.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Thal.
This site may help explain what I like to call "the 5/7/5 myth
Why No 5/7/5
Much obliged.
~Dean
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Anytime, Dean.
Comment from rama devi
That one is a groan-able pun...which makes it a good one, i think? Ough! A murder...
Good alliteration and consonance of M
Good three liner...that tells a tale!
Ouch!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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That one is a groan-able pun...which makes it a good one, i think? Ough! A murder...
Good alliteration and consonance of M
Good three liner...that tells a tale!
Ouch!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading and commenting, rd.
Much obliged.
~Dean
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:-)))))
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:-)))
https://youtu.be/x1ByRGNIpFA
Nice music...
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Dean,
crows hover in trees showing great strength in numbers = your phrase connects well and flows smoothly. Good job!
murder most fowl = the satori is awesome! It's so clever and when I read it aloud it reminds me of the 'Grimm stole Christmas' ??? what??? why does it remind me that? I have no idea. Go figure. LOL
Nicely done, Dean :)
Gypsy Sensei
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Hello, Dean,
crows hover in trees showing great strength in numbers = your phrase connects well and flows smoothly. Good job!
murder most fowl = the satori is awesome! It's so clever and when I read it aloud it reminds me of the 'Grimm stole Christmas' ??? what??? why does it remind me that? I have no idea. Go figure. LOL
Nicely done, Dean :)
Gypsy Sensei
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Sensei Gypsy.
Much obliged.
~Dean
