Debt Collector
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Rocky Beginning"Unpaid loans can be deadly.
10 total reviews
Comment from KatyM
Hey Misty, Hope everything is going well for you. We have just gotten over James working night shift this last week. That was a killer week. This was a good chapter. I did notice there was a big jump from Luigi and Jeff going down the elevator and then suddenly they are driving. What happened in between?
I found a couple of things: Where it says "curious look not sure on what's going on." Seems like the first on should be omitted.
"Pops is fine, Jeff, thanks for asking." His boss gives him a curious look not sure on what's going on.
Second: "I want you to be on your best behavior," she instructs ones they were safely inside. Is that suppose to say once they were safely inside?
Third: Where it says Bambini's unlimied(I think you mean unlimited?)
Jeff's heard rumors about Bambini's unlimied pull. "No, no. I'll do it." Jeff scans the area for potential.
Guess that's it. Happy Writing, Katy
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Hey Misty, Hope everything is going well for you. We have just gotten over James working night shift this last week. That was a killer week. This was a good chapter. I did notice there was a big jump from Luigi and Jeff going down the elevator and then suddenly they are driving. What happened in between?
I found a couple of things: Where it says "curious look not sure on what's going on." Seems like the first on should be omitted.
"Pops is fine, Jeff, thanks for asking." His boss gives him a curious look not sure on what's going on.
Second: "I want you to be on your best behavior," she instructs ones they were safely inside. Is that suppose to say once they were safely inside?
Third: Where it says Bambini's unlimied(I think you mean unlimited?)
Jeff's heard rumors about Bambini's unlimied pull. "No, no. I'll do it." Jeff scans the area for potential.
Guess that's it. Happy Writing, Katy
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your kind review and all your helpful suggestions. They are always greatly appreciated. Where it says now walk, Luigi orders I added he pushes Jeff towards the cars. So it won't seem like such a big jump. Does that help?
Everything is fine here, now. Had shingles last week, still recovering from that. Had it on my face, mouth so it was like having a toothache, earache and cold all in one. When I'm finally cleared I'm getting the shot for sure. Glad you survived the night shift. A switch like that can really mess up a routine, your biological clock. Hopefully he won't have to do that again. How's your teaching coming?
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, so the police is now on his trail. That's not good. This chapter had good tension and the dialogue flows smoothly. I liked it. I only had one thing that stood out:
Jeff starts to try again when he feels something hard press into his back; = Jeff is about to try again when he feels ...; To me it reads a bit awkward to say 'starts to try again'
All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty, so the police is now on his trail. That's not good. This chapter had good tension and the dialogue flows smoothly. I liked it. I only had one thing that stood out:
Jeff starts to try again when he feels something hard press into his back; = Jeff is about to try again when he feels ...; To me it reads a bit awkward to say 'starts to try again'
All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your great review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. That sentence does read a bit odd. So I've changed it to Jeff feels something hard press into his back as he's being nudged towards the basement. Does that sound better, worse?
Thank you again for your kind review all your help, support and friendship, take care.
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Misty, that reads fine. :)))
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
He has the cop's attention, so he can ask him for help. This story is making me verrrry nervous. Much too tense for my wimpy nature. I'll feel better when he escapes with his family.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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He has the cop's attention, so he can ask him for help. This story is making me verrrry nervous. Much too tense for my wimpy nature. I'll feel better when he escapes with his family.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. He has the cops attention, but if he says anything, Bambini will go after his family. So his only option is to do as he's told, like it or not. escaping isn't an option not when it comes to Bambini and his extended reach. He's up a river without a paddle, poor guy.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship it's greatly appreciated.
Oh BTW, stroganoff only has 230 per cup so I can have it without blowing my diet. 15lb down many more to go.
Comment from royowen
So, the second instalment in another adventure with Joe, Rachel and gang, and a protagonist who is being forced into a life of crime, by a gangster forcing him by threatening his family's lives. Well done my friend, blessings, Roy
Typo : Would go over to(o) well.2: His anxiety begins to skyrocket(s)...3: he (subvocalies) subvocalises?
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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So, the second instalment in another adventure with Joe, Rachel and gang, and a protagonist who is being forced into a life of crime, by a gangster forcing him by threatening his family's lives. Well done my friend, blessings, Roy
Typo : Would go over to(o) well.2: His anxiety begins to skyrocket(s)...3: he (subvocalies) subvocalises?
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your review and your continued support. Yeah, I'm afraid Joe and Rachel are in this one as well. I plan to make it a series eventually. I'm working on another story that takes place in Alabama with different characters. A retired cop fed up with the judicial system kills the crooks after he harvests their organs.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me take care.
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That sounds good.
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Misty,
This is a great chapter, my friend. You do a great job of creating tension and the dialogue is effective.
A couple of suggestions and questions:
"Jeff thinks as the cold, metal door slides too."
I noticed you explained the elevator doors closing in another sentence as "slides to."
Also, in the section where Jeff is looking around for potential witnesses before going to the Corvette he is to drive, this sentence left me wondering why people were running for cover:
"He soon realizes that everyone is too busy running for shelter to pay attention to him."
And this sentence was a bit confusing to me:
""She said you found a picture of you guys in your yard?""
Who is "she?" This scene left me with some questions, but I am relatively new to this story, so it could be just me.
Great cliff hanger at the end, Misty!
Thanks for sharing a great read!
Jan
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty,
This is a great chapter, my friend. You do a great job of creating tension and the dialogue is effective.
A couple of suggestions and questions:
"Jeff thinks as the cold, metal door slides too."
I noticed you explained the elevator doors closing in another sentence as "slides to."
Also, in the section where Jeff is looking around for potential witnesses before going to the Corvette he is to drive, this sentence left me wondering why people were running for cover:
"He soon realizes that everyone is too busy running for shelter to pay attention to him."
And this sentence was a bit confusing to me:
""She said you found a picture of you guys in your yard?""
Who is "she?" This scene left me with some questions, but I am relatively new to this story, so it could be just me.
Great cliff hanger at the end, Misty!
Thanks for sharing a great read!
Jan
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your review, your help is always greatly appreciated. So this is what I've done. I've taken out one of the doors slide too. added He soon realizes that everyone is too busy trying to get out of the storm to pay attention to him. and changed she to Rebecca. Is there anything else you think I should look at? I want this book to be perfect or near perfect, lol.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A good reading story, full of tension that kept me reading. Your characters are strong, the dialogue is very good and you definitely have a hook at the end. I want to read more. Have a great day. Shirley
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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A good reading story, full of tension that kept me reading. Your characters are strong, the dialogue is very good and you definitely have a hook at the end. I want to read more. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Jeff goes through a lot does thinks he normally wouldn't dream of doing to save the ones he loves.
Thank you again for you encouraging review, take care.
Comment from 24chas
This was a good read, Mistydawn. I really feel for Jeff. His boss is pretty dense, isn't he? Jeff's lucky that Luigi didn't just off him already. I like the way you've raised the tension bar. Nice job.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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This was a good read, Mistydawn. I really feel for Jeff. His boss is pretty dense, isn't he? Jeff's lucky that Luigi didn't just off him already. I like the way you've raised the tension bar. Nice job.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Jeff's boss is a little slow on the uptake. He's very lucky Luigi gave him a second chance. I just hope he doesn't push Luigi to far.
Thank you again for your encouraging review and for your support, friendship, take care.
Comment from Lu Saluna
It is a good chapter with a fine story. I like the way it is starting off. You are laying the groundwork for the characters, building them up, setting up their connectedness and so on. It looks good.
I have a bad cold so I may have missed some things but here is what I did find.
You seem to be slipping back a little. Are you reading out loud to yourself?
I know it sounds dorky but it really works, I do it all the time, lol.
Words changed are in (brackets)
she says, (tickling) the squirmy child.
"(That) fits half the men in Berryville
"I'll get right on it, (Captain)." - Capitalize "Captain"
"Will do, boss." - add a comma after "do"
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2017
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It is a good chapter with a fine story. I like the way it is starting off. You are laying the groundwork for the characters, building them up, setting up their connectedness and so on. It looks good.
I have a bad cold so I may have missed some things but here is what I did find.
You seem to be slipping back a little. Are you reading out loud to yourself?
I know it sounds dorky but it really works, I do it all the time, lol.
Words changed are in (brackets)
she says, (tickling) the squirmy child.
"(That) fits half the men in Berryville
"I'll get right on it, (Captain)." - Capitalize "Captain"
"Will do, boss." - add a comma after "do"
Comment Written 09-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2017
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I am sorry to hear about your cold. Alka-Selzer plus always works for me. Knocks me out but I fill 100% better the next day. If you're on medicine you might want to check with pharmacy first.
I have been reading aloud guess I need to slow it down read it at least one more time.
Hope you get to feeling better soon. Take care.
Comment from plinny
This is a well written chapter. I am intrigued and want to read more, possible see if he ever gets out from under this mess.
Also, the dialog was well done.
Good luck
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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This is a well written chapter. I am intrigued and want to read more, possible see if he ever gets out from under this mess.
Also, the dialog was well done.
Good luck
Comment Written 07-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2017
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Thank you for your review and your interest. It means a lot to a writer knowing someone enjoyed their work. If you think he's in a mess now you'll be really surprised by the next chapter. Hope to see you there. Take care. Thanks again.
Comment from dweigt
Interesting. I like the story progression, and the conflict. There are a few things to work on, though.
He expected the police to be right behind him but Luigi pulls up instead.
-- minor tense issue. "Expects" instead of "expected".
Your dialogue formatting is inconsistent, and incorrect in places. The general rule is the quote and the tag are part of the same sentence, so capitalize and punctuate accordingly.
I've got to get away, I just gotta. He cries glancing in front of him. -- "I've got to get away, I just gotta," he cries, glancing in front of him.
"No one messes with my girls!" He yells, storming towards the entrance. -- As written, this is two separate sentences. First he says something, then he yells, apparently wordlessly. I think you meant he yelled the dialogue, so it should be -- "No one messes with my girls!" he yells, storming towards the entrance.
Overuse of adverbs: Curiously. Slowly. Nervously. Anxiously. Dreamily. Frighteningly. Search your document for every "ly" word and delete them unless required. Then go back and ask if an adverb adds anything, or if you need a stronger verb instead.
Good work. Editing could make it great. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Interesting. I like the story progression, and the conflict. There are a few things to work on, though.
He expected the police to be right behind him but Luigi pulls up instead.
-- minor tense issue. "Expects" instead of "expected".
Your dialogue formatting is inconsistent, and incorrect in places. The general rule is the quote and the tag are part of the same sentence, so capitalize and punctuate accordingly.
I've got to get away, I just gotta. He cries glancing in front of him. -- "I've got to get away, I just gotta," he cries, glancing in front of him.
"No one messes with my girls!" He yells, storming towards the entrance. -- As written, this is two separate sentences. First he says something, then he yells, apparently wordlessly. I think you meant he yelled the dialogue, so it should be -- "No one messes with my girls!" he yells, storming towards the entrance.
Overuse of adverbs: Curiously. Slowly. Nervously. Anxiously. Dreamily. Frighteningly. Search your document for every "ly" word and delete them unless required. Then go back and ask if an adverb adds anything, or if you need a stronger verb instead.
Good work. Editing could make it great. Keep writing!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Thank for your review and helpful suggests I will keep them in mind for future chapters. I didn't realize I was using so many adjectives. thank you for pointing that out. Thanks again for all your help and your review. Take care.
