Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Chapter Funf part eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
35 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
Ok, was with the character, what does it have to do with the painting. I let my mind fill in the blanks remembering an old Sherlock Holmes mystery near the same plot.
I have been out of pocket dealing with getting my saga ready for publishing. You have a good story.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
  |
Ok, was with the character, what does it have to do with the painting. I let my mind fill in the blanks remembering an old Sherlock Holmes mystery near the same plot.
I have been out of pocket dealing with getting my saga ready for publishing. You have a good story.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
I wish you the best of luck with your publishing. I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from timalick
Imagery is definitely lacking in this segment. Reader doesn't get a solid grasp of the room around them or the status of the people speaking. The timing of the actions doesn't seem quite right either. "I'm going to heat up your lunch, it'll take a minute, don't start without me..." and then in the very next sentence she's back with his lunch. What happened during that time? Did Phillip meet Anderson's eyes in a silent command to obey her order? Did they hear the clanging of silverware and running water in the next room? What kind of lunch only takes a minute to heat up?
Try something like this is upcoming segments.
"What does that mean?" asked Helen. "A lot of people have tatts. My nephew has two and he's not in the Russian mafia."
With a rhytmic tapping, Jane's french manicure brought attention to the screen of her Blackberry. "I have it right here. Stars on the knees mean that person won't bow to any man." Her eyes met Anderson's across the glass conference table, she squinted as she was fighting against the afternoon sun. . "He's one bad guy." After he nodded, she continued, "The shoulder tatts mean he's a man of discipline, has high status or that he's been promoted to captain of the mafia."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
  |
Imagery is definitely lacking in this segment. Reader doesn't get a solid grasp of the room around them or the status of the people speaking. The timing of the actions doesn't seem quite right either. "I'm going to heat up your lunch, it'll take a minute, don't start without me..." and then in the very next sentence she's back with his lunch. What happened during that time? Did Phillip meet Anderson's eyes in a silent command to obey her order? Did they hear the clanging of silverware and running water in the next room? What kind of lunch only takes a minute to heat up?
Try something like this is upcoming segments.
"What does that mean?" asked Helen. "A lot of people have tatts. My nephew has two and he's not in the Russian mafia."
With a rhytmic tapping, Jane's french manicure brought attention to the screen of her Blackberry. "I have it right here. Stars on the knees mean that person won't bow to any man." Her eyes met Anderson's across the glass conference table, she squinted as she was fighting against the afternoon sun. . "He's one bad guy." After he nodded, she continued, "The shoulder tatts mean he's a man of discipline, has high status or that he's been promoted to captain of the mafia."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Welcome to FS, but you've got to be kidding.
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, Barbara, it looks like I'm a bit behind on this. I read the summary of the last chapter and it didn't sound familiar. I do want to comment on your ability through dialogue and narrative to drive home Anderson's position, power and ego.
Anderson leaned forward and pointed his finger. [A minor consideration, Barbara, but consider lopping off "his finger." It's a given. We all do it. We squat (down), nod (our heads), stand (up), etc. I was going to add, sit (down), but one can conceivably sit up (as in straight).
"Patricia came to visit," whispered Jane. [Paragraph spacing error.
I don't know what you've been doing in this novel (or between the last and this) but your increased use of speaker cues instead of dialogue tags have given your writing more smoothness in its delivery. This isn't to say your last novel was defective, but you seem to have polished your craft more. These are not major points, but sometimes it's the minor ones that make a difference.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
Well, Barbara, it looks like I'm a bit behind on this. I read the summary of the last chapter and it didn't sound familiar. I do want to comment on your ability through dialogue and narrative to drive home Anderson's position, power and ego.
Anderson leaned forward and pointed his finger. [A minor consideration, Barbara, but consider lopping off "his finger." It's a given. We all do it. We squat (down), nod (our heads), stand (up), etc. I was going to add, sit (down), but one can conceivably sit up (as in straight).
"Patricia came to visit," whispered Jane. [Paragraph spacing error.
I don't know what you've been doing in this novel (or between the last and this) but your increased use of speaker cues instead of dialogue tags have given your writing more smoothness in its delivery. This isn't to say your last novel was defective, but you seem to have polished your craft more. These are not major points, but sometimes it's the minor ones that make a difference.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from MsPetra
It seems as if you have things moving along smoothly. I didn't see anything here that needed fixing. I want to know more. I am wondering what comes next.
Please keep writing. I am looking forward to your next installment.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
It seems as if you have things moving along smoothly. I didn't see anything here that needed fixing. I want to know more. I am wondering what comes next.
Please keep writing. I am looking forward to your next installment.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Obvious, I enjoyed the rich characterization; romantic stand bound by suspense, thematic and plot progression, good and realistic dialogues, free flow of thoughts all the way with catches in the beginning and at the end, a fantastic work.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
Obvious, I enjoyed the rich characterization; romantic stand bound by suspense, thematic and plot progression, good and realistic dialogues, free flow of thoughts all the way with catches in the beginning and at the end, a fantastic work.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Barbara,
Romance with suspense and an underlying theme ... yes, that's you!
Glad to find a new novel from you. Sony Adler is done. :) (I haven't been on site for awhile).
Good chapter. Will look forward to more.
Sonali
close friend and confid(A)nt
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
Hello Barbara,
Romance with suspense and an underlying theme ... yes, that's you!
Glad to find a new novel from you. Sony Adler is done. :) (I haven't been on site for awhile).
Good chapter. Will look forward to more.
Sonali
close friend and confid(A)nt
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
I've missed you. Thank you for returning and reading.
Comment from gene roush
This story is new to me, and I'm a bit confused by the conversation.
You do a nice job of distinguishing the voices with individual grammar and syntax.
So we're pretty sure he's in the mafia." Philip took a drink. "We're just not sure which one."
As opposed to "I think you're correct. He named a Japanese gang too,
Keep your characters voices strong and distinguishable and the story will follow.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
This story is new to me, and I'm a bit confused by the conversation.
You do a nice job of distinguishing the voices with individual grammar and syntax.
So we're pretty sure he's in the mafia." Philip took a drink. "We're just not sure which one."
As opposed to "I think you're correct. He named a Japanese gang too,
Keep your characters voices strong and distinguishable and the story will follow.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from light
Interesting back story with ex wife. I also find the tats intriguing. Now to find out which mafia he belongs to. I agree that no painting is worth living in danger.
The story continues to be fascinating.
Elaine
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
Interesting back story with ex wife. I also find the tats intriguing. Now to find out which mafia he belongs to. I agree that no painting is worth living in danger.
The story continues to be fascinating.
Elaine
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
I am enjoying the drip-feed of bits of information as we piece things together, although it sort of feels at the minute that Shana has become something of a bystander in everything. I'm sure that'll change though.
Anderson rapped his fingers on the table - this is fine, although I prefer drummed. lol
"That's what we have to figure out. I feel like a detective in one of those suspense novels." She smiled. "Or on one of those crime shows."
- wink, wink, nudge, nudge... lol
All the best
G
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
Hi Barbara,
I am enjoying the drip-feed of bits of information as we piece things together, although it sort of feels at the minute that Shana has become something of a bystander in everything. I'm sure that'll change though.
Anderson rapped his fingers on the table - this is fine, although I prefer drummed. lol
"That's what we have to figure out. I feel like a detective in one of those suspense novels." She smiled. "Or on one of those crime shows."
- wink, wink, nudge, nudge... lol
All the best
G
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review. I changed rapped to drummed. I didn't like rapped, but had a brain fart and couldn't come up with anything better. I appreciate the help.
Comment from Lu Saluna
This chapter is good. A little more of the puzzle is coming together slowly. Interesting layer to the plot adding Anderson's ex-wife and daughter to the story line. Adds an additional complication in the event they become a target in his home.
Just wish the chapters were a little bit longer.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
|
This chapter is good. A little more of the puzzle is coming together slowly. Interesting layer to the plot adding Anderson's ex-wife and daughter to the story line. Adds an additional complication in the event they become a target in his home.
Just wish the chapters were a little bit longer.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
