Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "haiku (muddy lily pads)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
65 total reviews
Comment from Dr. Nad
haiku (muddy lily pads) Is a lovely poem about memorable experiences of the past. Thank you for adding the author's notes. These notes brought your poem and focus and understanding.I love the picture you have chosen to demonstrate her sadness. Thanks for sharing. May God bless you!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
  |
haiku (muddy lily pads) Is a lovely poem about memorable experiences of the past. Thank you for adding the author's notes. These notes brought your poem and focus and understanding.I love the picture you have chosen to demonstrate her sadness. Thanks for sharing. May God bless you!
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
-
Thank you, Dr. Nad, for giving my haiku its only six star review during its run. Your generous review came as a surprise to me. I use my haiku to capture memorable personal experiences and observations. My haiku act as news bulletins. I am glad my author's notes further increased your understanding of my poem. Thank you and God bless.
-
You are welcome.
Embrace the love from above.
Comment from Grasshopper2
Your photo looks like one of my cousins! I like your cut on line one. Your syllable counts of 2 7 5 for a total of 14 are less than 17, which is good. You have a total of 10 words, which shows excellent economy. One issue for you to consider is line two.
Here: flood (chews) muddy lily pads
The image of water chewing does not resonate with me. Consider changing to
flood (eats) muddy lily pads
I like swallows best but that makes it 8 syllables as written.
Well done, Andre. Thank you for posting.
Michael
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
 |
Your photo looks like one of my cousins! I like your cut on line one. Your syllable counts of 2 7 5 for a total of 14 are less than 17, which is good. You have a total of 10 words, which shows excellent economy. One issue for you to consider is line two.
Here: flood (chews) muddy lily pads
The image of water chewing does not resonate with me. Consider changing to
flood (eats) muddy lily pads
I like swallows best but that makes it 8 syllables as written.
Well done, Andre. Thank you for posting.
Michael
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
-
Thank you, Michael, for your review and suggestions. "Swallow" is such a beautiful word and image that I might use it in a follow up poem on the same flood. Thank you also for praising my cut on line one and my economy. Some reviewers stated that haiku only have syllable counts of 5 7 5. I try to use as few words as possible to tell a story. Thank you for your review.
-
Thanks also for your knowledge of haiku and for where I might improve mine.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Aw ... poor froggies!
Hi Sis,
This haiku is a smile-y little piece.
An apt choice of words ... flood chews lily pads (love the picture you create) ... makes for a lovely haiku.
Well done!
Sonali
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
Aw ... poor froggies!
Hi Sis,
This haiku is a smile-y little piece.
An apt choice of words ... flood chews lily pads (love the picture you create) ... makes for a lovely haiku.
Well done!
Sonali
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Selina, for your review. I had never seen Pinole Creek that high before during a storm. It chewed through everything in its path. Thanks again.
Comment from Leineco
Poignant observation . . . the kind of thing haiku is made for :-)
To take note, in a brief poetic construction, and instigate ripples. . .
I could not help but make the connection to other environmental
"disaster" implications.
Very Nicely done SC :-)
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
Poignant observation . . . the kind of thing haiku is made for :-)
To take note, in a brief poetic construction, and instigate ripples. . .
I could not help but make the connection to other environmental
"disaster" implications.
Very Nicely done SC :-)
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Yes, Leineco, many reviewers found in my haiku implications to other environmental disasters, including manmade ones. Thank you for your review of my poignant observations.
Comment from Joy Graham
Your author notes helped me understand this haiku. Thank you for that. Now the haiku makes perfect sense and I got the jolt from your aha last line. I do love a good aha line the most when I read haiku.
Your frog picture brought me here to check out your post. It's great advertisement :) Last week the animal channel had a show about frogs of Africa. I found it fascinating. I enjoy the frog songs. There is one frog that makes no noise at all, he's silent.
I would be sad not to hear my favorite frog songs too. I hope they come back in time me.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
Your author notes helped me understand this haiku. Thank you for that. Now the haiku makes perfect sense and I got the jolt from your aha last line. I do love a good aha line the most when I read haiku.
Your frog picture brought me here to check out your post. It's great advertisement :) Last week the animal channel had a show about frogs of Africa. I found it fascinating. I enjoy the frog songs. There is one frog that makes no noise at all, he's silent.
I would be sad not to hear my favorite frog songs too. I hope they come back in time me.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Yes, Joy, I hope the frogs come back soon, too. A series of storms struck the San Francisco Bay Area so severe that Pinole Creek rose to its highest level since the flood of 1958 and came within four feet of topping its banks and flood downtown again. I got out of my car and from the bridge watched the "river" chew everything in its path. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Susanjohn
Oh NO!!! not frog songs swept away!!! wait, what do frogs sing??? hmmm i need to get out more!! LOL...but loving your froggy haiku!!
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
Oh NO!!! not frog songs swept away!!! wait, what do frogs sing??? hmmm i need to get out more!! LOL...but loving your froggy haiku!!
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Susan, for your review of my froggy haiku. I am glad you loved it.
Comment from LIJ Red
Nature's way of spreading frogs throughout the land. Mankind needs to stay out of the old girl's way. From FS's most Haiku-challenged reviewer, excellent post.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
Nature's way of spreading frogs throughout the land. Mankind needs to stay out of the old girl's way. From FS's most Haiku-challenged reviewer, excellent post.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Yes, LIJRed, I figured that floods are a way of spreading animals like frogs. That creek was so dangerous during the storm's peek that mankind need to stay out of it. Fortunately, the U.S. Army Corp and Engineers had deepened and widened the creek after the 1968 flood. Thank you for your review.
Comment from papa55mike
The floods may sweep them away, but they will find a home down the river bank. I'm sure they're eggs hidden and safe from the flood. Great job of writing this, best of luck with the challenge. I wish I had a six for you.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
The floods may sweep them away, but they will find a home down the river bank. I'm sure they're eggs hidden and safe from the flood. Great job of writing this, best of luck with the challenge. I wish I had a six for you.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Oh, thank you, Mike, for your review. The frogs will return. Thank you for wishing me a six and have a great day, too.
Comment from Mastery
Outstanding haiku, Andre. I wonder how they breathe adequately in trhe muddy water? Or swim or anything else. LOL. I think this is a clever satori you have here, my friend. "frog songs swept away." Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
Outstanding haiku, Andre. I wonder how they breathe adequately in trhe muddy water? Or swim or anything else. LOL. I think this is a clever satori you have here, my friend. "frog songs swept away." Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Thank you, Bob, for your review. I wonder that myself about frogs in mud. I wonder how they breathe. In any event, they gave me an idea for my clever satori. Thanks again.
Comment from Badger_29
I found myself listening for a song that was swept away, and for the sound of flood chewing Lily pads.
Great opening line, adds a sense of anticipation, and I actually straightened up my posture; it made my senses tingle and made me feel very alive and aware for that brief moment.
Provocative, profound, and pleasing.
Blessings,
Brother Badger
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
|
I found myself listening for a song that was swept away, and for the sound of flood chewing Lily pads.
Great opening line, adds a sense of anticipation, and I actually straightened up my posture; it made my senses tingle and made me feel very alive and aware for that brief moment.
Provocative, profound, and pleasing.
Blessings,
Brother Badger
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Brother Badger, you don't know how much your review means to me. I was stunned to stand on the Prune Street footbridge and witness Pinole Creek at its highest level since the flood of 1958. That "river" chewed through everything. I heard its roar but not the frogs anymore. I am glad you found my haiku "Provocative, profound, and pleasing." Blessings to you, too.
-
You are so welcome, thank you for your continued support and inspiration.
