Debt Collector
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Change of Fate"Unpaid loans can be deadly.
11 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
very good introduction to character here and the set-up is there right from the off.
Few things I thought about as I read through-
It may be better to start by giving the full names of each character as they are introduced. It gives more of a grounding.
them and their client. Pleased with himself, Tommy smiles as he turns around. "What brings..." he begins.- seems to be a change of character name here.
Seeing a stranger in the doorway, he stops in mid-thought- mid-sentence may be better here as he's actually speaking.
It may be better to stick to one way of presenting the internal thought. Here you use italics, thought tags and sometimes just thought with neither thing. A lot of folk like italics to be used in the publishing world, but whatever you choose, do it consistently.
Watch your adverb usage, in places you rely on them a little bit. Well-placed and sparse, they can very effective. Too much can expose a weakness in the verb choice.
before their oldest daughter, Rebecca was born.- insert a comma after Rebecca.
"No, I had it first," four-year-old Abby protests,- you identify the age of Abby here, but not Rebecca who is introduced first.
"I'm talking to you too, Abby." Rebecca sticks out her tongue. - you're mixing the mum's dialogue with Rebecca's actions here. It reads as if Rebecca says this.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Hi there,
very good introduction to character here and the set-up is there right from the off.
Few things I thought about as I read through-
It may be better to start by giving the full names of each character as they are introduced. It gives more of a grounding.
them and their client. Pleased with himself, Tommy smiles as he turns around. "What brings..." he begins.- seems to be a change of character name here.
Seeing a stranger in the doorway, he stops in mid-thought- mid-sentence may be better here as he's actually speaking.
It may be better to stick to one way of presenting the internal thought. Here you use italics, thought tags and sometimes just thought with neither thing. A lot of folk like italics to be used in the publishing world, but whatever you choose, do it consistently.
Watch your adverb usage, in places you rely on them a little bit. Well-placed and sparse, they can very effective. Too much can expose a weakness in the verb choice.
before their oldest daughter, Rebecca was born.- insert a comma after Rebecca.
"No, I had it first," four-year-old Abby protests,- you identify the age of Abby here, but not Rebecca who is introduced first.
"I'm talking to you too, Abby." Rebecca sticks out her tongue. - you're mixing the mum's dialogue with Rebecca's actions here. It reads as if Rebecca says this.
All the best
G
Comment Written 21-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review, been missing your helpful hints. I don't know what happened with the thought thing, skipped that part, maybe? It's taken care of as is all your other suggestions.
Thank you again for reading my chapter and for all your help. It's truly appreciated, take care.
Comment from country ranch writer
Messing with those guys is not a good thing to do because you never get out from under them they always find a way for you to do their dirty work by saying you owe big time even though you paid the time and time again.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Messing with those guys is not a good thing to do because you never get out from under them they always find a way for you to do their dirty work by saying you owe big time even though you paid the time and time again.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you for reading my chapter, I do hope you like this new story. That's what happens to Jeff, no mater what he does, he'll never be truly free.
Thank you again for your review, all your help and support, take care.
-
Smiles!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Looks like Julie knows her husband's history with the mob, and she knows what that photo means. But he has agreed to work for them, so why do they threaten now? I hope you can pull out a happy ending. :)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Looks like Julie knows her husband's history with the mob, and she knows what that photo means. But he has agreed to work for them, so why do they threaten now? I hope you can pull out a happy ending. :)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review, I'm so glad you liked the new story. Well, the first three chapters will be a revision, the rest will be new. You're right there should be a why now. So I added this part. "I think he should charge you more for all we had to go through to find you, but he's the boss and what he says goes." Does that help explain? I'll see what I can do about the ending.
Thank you so much for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
-
Yes, that works. :)
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistdawn
I believe this one of your Mystery and Crime Fiction books I didn't review
Well I'm glad that I'm reading it now.
Again you have me intrigued with suspense how it's Jeff that borrowed money from a college buddy of his
( in the past) What kind of job does he have to do to pay up or else?
Gert
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Hello Mistdawn
I believe this one of your Mystery and Crime Fiction books I didn't review
Well I'm glad that I'm reading it now.
Again you have me intrigued with suspense how it's Jeff that borrowed money from a college buddy of his
( in the past) What kind of job does he have to do to pay up or else?
Gert
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review I'm so glad the story peeked your interest. I only wrote three chapters of this story back when I first started on Fanstory, back before we met.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, this is great work and a great story. And very well written to boot. If I may say so, you've improved a heck of a lot. You have my full attention with this story. Can't wait for what comes next. All best.Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty, this is great work and a great story. And very well written to boot. If I may say so, you've improved a heck of a lot. You have my full attention with this story. Can't wait for what comes next. All best.Ulla:)))
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review, and all your encouraging words.I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was so worried you wouldn't. Thank you for the compliment, that means so much to me to know that my skills are finally improving. Maybe someday I'll be as good as my hero. It's something to stride for, right?
Thank you again for your marvelous review all your help, support and friendship, take care.
Comment from royowen
Poor Jeff, I suppose I'll say I don't know why Jeff borrowed the money from an obvious loan shark, and Luigi offered Jeff an alternative to paying back an impossible sum of money back to to a ruthless man, and I believe he'll do these suggested jobs as an alternative, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Poor Jeff, I suppose I'll say I don't know why Jeff borrowed the money from an obvious loan shark, and Luigi offered Jeff an alternative to paying back an impossible sum of money back to to a ruthless man, and I believe he'll do these suggested jobs as an alternative, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, i'm glad you enjoyed it. It wasn't the smartest idea, borrowing from a loan shark, but Julie fell in love with the house so Jeff did what he had to in order to make her happy. The suggested jobs are going to force Jeff to come to terms with a few inner demons.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, all your help, support and friendship, take care.
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Good job
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Misty,
Ooooh - This is a great read - quite intriguing and very well written. Your descriptions are clear and the dialogue is perfect.
As always, nothing here for me to suggest improving upon. Thanks for sharing your great work.
Jan
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Hi Misty,
Ooooh - This is a great read - quite intriguing and very well written. Your descriptions are clear and the dialogue is perfect.
As always, nothing here for me to suggest improving upon. Thanks for sharing your great work.
Jan
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your marvelous review, I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter. Poor Jeff has to do a lot, face his worst fears in order to save his family.
Thank you again for your terrific review, all your help and support, take care.
Comment from 24chas
This was a good first chapter, Mistydawn. You really caught my attention right at the beginning. You did a nice job with the characters. In fact, I almost felt panicked for Jeff. Pretty intense ending as well. Good job.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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This was a good first chapter, Mistydawn. You really caught my attention right at the beginning. You did a nice job with the characters. In fact, I almost felt panicked for Jeff. Pretty intense ending as well. Good job.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review and all your encouragement. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Jeff has a horrendous journey ahead, I hope you stick around to find out what he's forced to do.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.
Comment from Lu Saluna
Hi there,
I read through the chapter and I like it. But before I did a bunch of edits I looked at your other reviews to see why you got the 4-stars. They brought up some valid points. I see you have done quite a few corrections.
I found a few more items that need some of your attention.
The chapter is good, you are off to a good start with your story. My advice to you is to slow down. I think you just rushed a bit perhaps?? If you are like me at all, you probably need to write. Leave it for a couple days and then checked, leave it a couple days and check it again. If you have worked on it too much or are tired or both, you hit a point you can't see the forest for the trees.
This a great beginning to a great story. Take your time.
I am looking forward to your next chapter. Cheers for now. Lu
"You're not stealing, the car is collateral on a loan and the dude isn't paying." Seeing the hesitation, Luigi continues."
This line reads better this way:
"You're not stealing the car." Seeing Jeff's hesitation, Luigi continues, "It's collateral for a loan the dude isn't paying."
"witnesses.Seeing no one..."
"witnesses. Seeing no one..." (add a space after "witnesses. ")
"Jeff quickly scans the crowded..." (this should start a new paragraph. It is a new topic after Luigi has spoken)
"Looking in the mirror he sees the state troopers following him over."
This line reads better this way:
"Looking in the rear-view mirror, he sees the state troopers following him into the same lane."
"Not now," he begs, trying not to vomiting.
This is not correct, try this:
"Not now," he begs, trying not to vomit.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Hi there,
I read through the chapter and I like it. But before I did a bunch of edits I looked at your other reviews to see why you got the 4-stars. They brought up some valid points. I see you have done quite a few corrections.
I found a few more items that need some of your attention.
The chapter is good, you are off to a good start with your story. My advice to you is to slow down. I think you just rushed a bit perhaps?? If you are like me at all, you probably need to write. Leave it for a couple days and then checked, leave it a couple days and check it again. If you have worked on it too much or are tired or both, you hit a point you can't see the forest for the trees.
This a great beginning to a great story. Take your time.
I am looking forward to your next chapter. Cheers for now. Lu
"You're not stealing, the car is collateral on a loan and the dude isn't paying." Seeing the hesitation, Luigi continues."
This line reads better this way:
"You're not stealing the car." Seeing Jeff's hesitation, Luigi continues, "It's collateral for a loan the dude isn't paying."
"witnesses.Seeing no one..."
"witnesses. Seeing no one..." (add a space after "witnesses. ")
"Jeff quickly scans the crowded..." (this should start a new paragraph. It is a new topic after Luigi has spoken)
"Looking in the mirror he sees the state troopers following him over."
This line reads better this way:
"Looking in the rear-view mirror, he sees the state troopers following him into the same lane."
"Not now," he begs, trying not to vomiting.
This is not correct, try this:
"Not now," he begs, trying not to vomit.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Thank you for your helpful advice and for your bit of encouragement. After those reviews and 13 point drop in ratings, I was feeling really discouraged.
I've got to learn and move on. So this time I'm going to post something that even tough reviewers will like! Take care, talk to you soon.
-
You wrote a good story, from my perspective, it just looked like you rushed too fast to get it posted.
To me, it just looked like you needed to take your time. It is a tough crowd. My last chapter got quite a few 4's and one 3. The story is good but they seem to forget that before a book goes for publishing it is reviewed by an editor who fixes the SPAG we miss. So, rather than rate the story and be a little forgiving about the SPAG, they jump all over a few grammar errors. I find it frustrating too but it is what it is. Hang in there.
-
You and me we got this! Despite what the critics say.
Comment from hvysmker
Change of Fate
by Mistydawn
He first notices his visitors long brown curly hair and dark closely set eyes.
*** visitor's closely-set?
An easy way to tell if a hyphen is needed is to match adjectives to the noun. If either of them doesn't match, you need a hyphen:
closely eyes? Nope.
Set eyes? No way. So, you need a hyphen.
He's not the sharpest dresser. Jeff concludes, surveying the rest of his appearance.
*** comma after "dresser".
Running over to the bar, Jeff pours himself some scotch.
*** I don't think he'd actually run. Maybe hurrying?
"You didn't do anything to my parents, did you?" Jeff questions jumping off the worn leather sofa.
*** Badly need a comma after "questions". No comma changes the meaning of the sentence, looking as though he's questioning whether to jump or not.
"Of course not." Jeff starts pacing across the green carpet, trying to figure out a solution.
*** I think you should use two lines when changing characters in mid-sentence. Really. You seem to be running them together often.
I can go to the police, explain everything, but I'll need proof. He thinks. Luigi grabs him as he walks by.
*** How does he know Luigi's name at this point, assuming I haven't read previous chapters?
If you do a few jobs for us, we'll call the debt good."
*** Some might say to take out the comma. I, for one, say it's okay to leave it in for emphasis.
There has to be a way out of this, there just has to be.
*** Question mark?
***
Julie pulls up to their lovely two story brick home.
*** two-story
***
I wish it'd stay there. He thinks.
*** One sentence
Jeff wasn't sure what he's about to do
*** isn't
Well, got to run I have an important meeting," his boss says, stepping onto the elevator.
*** Need comma or period after "run".
"No more stunts, you understand me!" Luigi yells, shoving the gun deep into Jeff's back.
*** What gun? One wasn't mentioned before.
"You better, because I'm not warning you again. now walk!"
*** Capital "Now"
***
We're in for one heck of a storm. She thinks.
*** Comm instead of the first period.
Grabbing the girl's hands, she starts pulling them across the parking lot.
*** girls'
"Slow down, mommy!" Abby whines.
*** Mommy
"I need the address!" The dispatcher repeats.
*** I doubt the dispatcher would be making an exclamation. Against their training. Maybe "insisting"?
He is also Rachel's mentor for her private investigation training and her police training.
*** I'd drop one of those "training"s?
Someone left a picture they took of us Saturday on our lawn," Julie explains.
*** I forget. Was the photo taken on the lawn or found on the lawn? This sounds like it was taken on the lawn.
***
"You're not stealing. The car is collateral on a loan and the dude isn't paying." Seeing the hesitation, Luigi continues.
So far so good. He thinks, hearing the car rumble to life.
*** Again, comma instead of that first period.
Please, let me get the car back safely. He begs, watching vehicles whiz past him.
*** Comma after "safely" and then small "he".
I need to calm down and drive like nothing's wrong. He thinks.
*** Same as above.
Taking a deep breath, he looks towards the road. Glancing in the mirror, he realizes the squad car is on his bumper.
"Oh shit," he says, quickly changing lanes. Looking in the mirror he sees the state troopers following him over.
"Please don't stop me now," he begs, cutting in front of a VW. Looking to his left, he notices the cop is steadily gaining on him.
"What should I do now?" he nervously asks, trying to come up with a plan. Looking up he sees they're on his bumper again. His stomach starts churning frantically, as he begins to heave.
"Not now," he begs, trying not to vomiting.
*** Sounds like trouble.
The story holds together well. Just watch some of those nits I mentioned.
Charlie
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2017
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Change of Fate
by Mistydawn
He first notices his visitors long brown curly hair and dark closely set eyes.
*** visitor's closely-set?
An easy way to tell if a hyphen is needed is to match adjectives to the noun. If either of them doesn't match, you need a hyphen:
closely eyes? Nope.
Set eyes? No way. So, you need a hyphen.
He's not the sharpest dresser. Jeff concludes, surveying the rest of his appearance.
*** comma after "dresser".
Running over to the bar, Jeff pours himself some scotch.
*** I don't think he'd actually run. Maybe hurrying?
"You didn't do anything to my parents, did you?" Jeff questions jumping off the worn leather sofa.
*** Badly need a comma after "questions". No comma changes the meaning of the sentence, looking as though he's questioning whether to jump or not.
"Of course not." Jeff starts pacing across the green carpet, trying to figure out a solution.
*** I think you should use two lines when changing characters in mid-sentence. Really. You seem to be running them together often.
I can go to the police, explain everything, but I'll need proof. He thinks. Luigi grabs him as he walks by.
*** How does he know Luigi's name at this point, assuming I haven't read previous chapters?
If you do a few jobs for us, we'll call the debt good."
*** Some might say to take out the comma. I, for one, say it's okay to leave it in for emphasis.
There has to be a way out of this, there just has to be.
*** Question mark?
***
Julie pulls up to their lovely two story brick home.
*** two-story
***
I wish it'd stay there. He thinks.
*** One sentence
Jeff wasn't sure what he's about to do
*** isn't
Well, got to run I have an important meeting," his boss says, stepping onto the elevator.
*** Need comma or period after "run".
"No more stunts, you understand me!" Luigi yells, shoving the gun deep into Jeff's back.
*** What gun? One wasn't mentioned before.
"You better, because I'm not warning you again. now walk!"
*** Capital "Now"
***
We're in for one heck of a storm. She thinks.
*** Comm instead of the first period.
Grabbing the girl's hands, she starts pulling them across the parking lot.
*** girls'
"Slow down, mommy!" Abby whines.
*** Mommy
"I need the address!" The dispatcher repeats.
*** I doubt the dispatcher would be making an exclamation. Against their training. Maybe "insisting"?
He is also Rachel's mentor for her private investigation training and her police training.
*** I'd drop one of those "training"s?
Someone left a picture they took of us Saturday on our lawn," Julie explains.
*** I forget. Was the photo taken on the lawn or found on the lawn? This sounds like it was taken on the lawn.
***
"You're not stealing. The car is collateral on a loan and the dude isn't paying." Seeing the hesitation, Luigi continues.
So far so good. He thinks, hearing the car rumble to life.
*** Again, comma instead of that first period.
Please, let me get the car back safely. He begs, watching vehicles whiz past him.
*** Comma after "safely" and then small "he".
I need to calm down and drive like nothing's wrong. He thinks.
*** Same as above.
Taking a deep breath, he looks towards the road. Glancing in the mirror, he realizes the squad car is on his bumper.
"Oh shit," he says, quickly changing lanes. Looking in the mirror he sees the state troopers following him over.
"Please don't stop me now," he begs, cutting in front of a VW. Looking to his left, he notices the cop is steadily gaining on him.
"What should I do now?" he nervously asks, trying to come up with a plan. Looking up he sees they're on his bumper again. His stomach starts churning frantically, as he begins to heave.
"Not now," he begs, trying not to vomiting.
*** Sounds like trouble.
The story holds together well. Just watch some of those nits I mentioned.
Charlie
Comment Written 26-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for all of your help and generous review it's greatly appreciated.
