What pours from her
A woman of no importance can spoil all and create turmoil...44 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Meia,
First review = a 4
Second review = 5
Meia, I don't know about you, but I thought this flowed much better and made more sense. I didn't have to STOP and think about it as I read (in the bad way, I mean.) I hope you don't mind my interfering. I only mean to be helpful. The most important thing is what do YOU think of the revised poem?
Thanks!
***
I have some issues with this poem. Right from the start, you have some phrases that confuse me. Though I DO like this poem overall, I want to discuss the points that I think need work first, if that's all right...?
1.) What pours from her is vinegar and vitriol.
nothing fine or high, at all.
You are more than you could ever be,
--> you have switched characters/pointed fingers. You WERE talking about 'her' and now you're talking about 'you'. Are these the same character? If so, the pronouns need to be kept the same, please
2.) You are more than you could ever be,
--> this phrase doesn't work (for me)
--> it states that she IS currently something, then says it's already MORE than she could ever be. That makes no sense. It's wonky and contradictory and not saying what I think you mean to say.
3.) The Clown-faced reflection on the back of a spoon,
--> no need to capitalize 'clown'
4.) A small thing, but the final image is encroaching on your last line. Maybe move it to the far right? (or ignore me entirely on this!) *smile*
This was a truly smart poem, Meia. I see so much in here. I see deep pain and hatred (?). Definitely a desire NOT to see more of the person under consideration, through offspring - yuck! She sounds like a wonderful human being - or compilation of human beings, so sorry I don't know her! *smile*
Your choices of words and phrases are unique and really bring great images to mind. I think this could be stellar if you edited it JUST a bit. Hope you'll agree. Let me know if you do decide to edit. Thanks!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
  |
Meia,
First review = a 4
Second review = 5
Meia, I don't know about you, but I thought this flowed much better and made more sense. I didn't have to STOP and think about it as I read (in the bad way, I mean.) I hope you don't mind my interfering. I only mean to be helpful. The most important thing is what do YOU think of the revised poem?
Thanks!
***
I have some issues with this poem. Right from the start, you have some phrases that confuse me. Though I DO like this poem overall, I want to discuss the points that I think need work first, if that's all right...?
1.) What pours from her is vinegar and vitriol.
nothing fine or high, at all.
You are more than you could ever be,
--> you have switched characters/pointed fingers. You WERE talking about 'her' and now you're talking about 'you'. Are these the same character? If so, the pronouns need to be kept the same, please
2.) You are more than you could ever be,
--> this phrase doesn't work (for me)
--> it states that she IS currently something, then says it's already MORE than she could ever be. That makes no sense. It's wonky and contradictory and not saying what I think you mean to say.
3.) The Clown-faced reflection on the back of a spoon,
--> no need to capitalize 'clown'
4.) A small thing, but the final image is encroaching on your last line. Maybe move it to the far right? (or ignore me entirely on this!) *smile*
This was a truly smart poem, Meia. I see so much in here. I see deep pain and hatred (?). Definitely a desire NOT to see more of the person under consideration, through offspring - yuck! She sounds like a wonderful human being - or compilation of human beings, so sorry I don't know her! *smile*
Your choices of words and phrases are unique and really bring great images to mind. I think this could be stellar if you edited it JUST a bit. Hope you'll agree. Let me know if you do decide to edit. Thanks!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
-
Dear Robyn, thankyou for your intelligent critique,
"it states that she IS currently something, then says it's already MORE than she could ever be. That makes no sense. It's wonky and contradictory and not saying what I think you mean to say. " I take this on board. It is sort of meant to be purposefully contradictory but I don't know if it works, I have had a lot of sixes from very good writers, who don't seem to see the problems you see but you are also an amazing writer and you help me to fix flaws in my poems I guess so thankyou. I will look at it again. kind regards Meia :)
-
Hi Robyn, based on your comments I have made some changes to my poem. Could I ask you to have a look at the revised version please. kind regards, Meia :)
-
I have revised my review and rating, if you want to check it. Hugs-
Comment from Thomas Bowling
I dated a girl who used to call me late at night and say things to me just like your poem. She would go on and on for an hour and then say in a small voice, "Will you come and see me?"
It was a wild ride.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
|
I dated a girl who used to call me late at night and say things to me just like your poem. She would go on and on for an hour and then say in a small voice, "Will you come and see me?"
It was a wild ride.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
-
That sounds really weird and creepy Thomas, very odd, women are strange creatures! thanks for the great review, kindest regards Meia x
Comment from patcelaw
meia, this is a poignant and troubling piece in some ways, yet very thought provoking for the reader. I understand what you are saying. What makes one person sweet and another bitter could be the same thing, but each handled it in a different manner. Blessings, Patricia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
|
meia, this is a poignant and troubling piece in some ways, yet very thought provoking for the reader. I understand what you are saying. What makes one person sweet and another bitter could be the same thing, but each handled it in a different manner. Blessings, Patricia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
-
Thankyou so much for your kind and generous review, kindest regards Meia :)
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Mia, you are so young yet have a mature wisdom
about you - and your unique way of writing and
expressing yourself always draws me in.
The Clown-faced reflection on the back of a spoon,
that still allows you to
proudly stroke your ever-crinkling throat,
and preen and croon,
and hold the smoky lying mirror to your face
I just love the descriptions. I hope you get published.
Here's my last six.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
 |
Mia, you are so young yet have a mature wisdom
about you - and your unique way of writing and
expressing yourself always draws me in.
The Clown-faced reflection on the back of a spoon,
that still allows you to
proudly stroke your ever-crinkling throat,
and preen and croon,
and hold the smoky lying mirror to your face
I just love the descriptions. I hope you get published.
Here's my last six.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
-
Awww Margaret that really has made my day! I really mean it, it is very true to say I have always been a very old head on young(ish) shoulders, but you are exceptionally kind and as I have read some of your wonderful poetry I really am delighted that you have been so very generous and kind. warmest regards Meia :)
-
I only say what is true, my friend. You're very talented. M
-
Bless you Margaret. I know that so far on this site only one kind of my writing has really been showcased but I have years of writing and it certainly isn't all horror or crime. I like to write in a variety of styles, historical epics are not too popular on here though I am guessing! Thankyou again, Meia xx
