Lamentations of a Lost Laddy
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Darren and the Giant Locust"My Autobiography
6 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
Darren, this is so interesting! You are a very good story-teller and make the scenes and characters come to life with your excellent word choices.
There were a few little nits that you may want to fix. I have a feeling this will be a book you'll want to publish some day.
***** Born on April twentieth, nineteen sixty-three at Washoe Medical Center, in the biggest little city in the world, Reno, Nevada. (make this a comma) I was the third boy born to my loving and attentive parents,� entitling me to not only be (entitling me to the title of "the baby", (period) (This allowed me the right to be spoiled... )but to be spoiled(comma) not only by my mommy and daddy, but aunts, uncles, ...
***** He explaines (explained) that the panes were hand made, as opposed to the machine made (machine-made) glass that was on the patio doors.Ã?Â
*****...by complimenting me (comma) not only on my ability to notice the difference, but also the awareness to ask why.
***** Standing with one hand on the smooth, cool wood, and the other clutching an Oscar Meyer hot dog. (This incomplete sentence could be re-worded to say: "I stood with one hand on the smooth, cool wood and the other clutching an Oscar Meyer hot dog."Ã? (I'd developed an early love of processed meats.)Ã?Â
*****The light headedness (light-headedness)
*****and My (my) uncle, aunt, and cousins lived right up the hill
***** Respectively, uncle (Uncle)Terry, Aunt Dee and her two children, Rodney and Theresa (Who (whom) we called "Cricket" at the time), and the one boy that they had together, my cousin Michael.� (This is another incomplete sentence but the remedy would be to simply remove the period at the end of the previous sentence and replace it with a comma. However, you then have a very long sentence, so perhaps make the first part a sentence by itself... like this: "At that time, we lived on Avon Way. My uncle, aunt, and cousins lived right up the hill... " )
***** small hand full (handful) in my mouth
***** All of the sudden he spooked (All of a sudden, he spooked)
***** The King and Queen of the locusts.� (the King and Queen of Locusts.) After that, I was no longer frightened, and whenever I saw grasshoppers, {instead of another grasshopper, to make the pronoun fit} I greeted them ....)
These are little things and maybe they don't matter to you, but they are worth considering if you might want to publish. Also, for ease of reading, I'd suggest leaving a space between each paragraph. This is a wonderful story and I can't wait to read more of it.
Hugs to you... MM
P. S. Capitalize all the words in your title except the articles... Darren and the Giant Locust.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Darren, this is so interesting! You are a very good story-teller and make the scenes and characters come to life with your excellent word choices.
There were a few little nits that you may want to fix. I have a feeling this will be a book you'll want to publish some day.
***** Born on April twentieth, nineteen sixty-three at Washoe Medical Center, in the biggest little city in the world, Reno, Nevada. (make this a comma) I was the third boy born to my loving and attentive parents,� entitling me to not only be (entitling me to the title of "the baby", (period) (This allowed me the right to be spoiled... )but to be spoiled(comma) not only by my mommy and daddy, but aunts, uncles, ...
***** He explaines (explained) that the panes were hand made, as opposed to the machine made (machine-made) glass that was on the patio doors.Ã?Â
*****...by complimenting me (comma) not only on my ability to notice the difference, but also the awareness to ask why.
***** Standing with one hand on the smooth, cool wood, and the other clutching an Oscar Meyer hot dog. (This incomplete sentence could be re-worded to say: "I stood with one hand on the smooth, cool wood and the other clutching an Oscar Meyer hot dog."Ã? (I'd developed an early love of processed meats.)Ã?Â
*****The light headedness (light-headedness)
*****and My (my) uncle, aunt, and cousins lived right up the hill
***** Respectively, uncle (Uncle)Terry, Aunt Dee and her two children, Rodney and Theresa (Who (whom) we called "Cricket" at the time), and the one boy that they had together, my cousin Michael.� (This is another incomplete sentence but the remedy would be to simply remove the period at the end of the previous sentence and replace it with a comma. However, you then have a very long sentence, so perhaps make the first part a sentence by itself... like this: "At that time, we lived on Avon Way. My uncle, aunt, and cousins lived right up the hill... " )
***** small hand full (handful) in my mouth
***** All of the sudden he spooked (All of a sudden, he spooked)
***** The King and Queen of the locusts.� (the King and Queen of Locusts.) After that, I was no longer frightened, and whenever I saw grasshoppers, {instead of another grasshopper, to make the pronoun fit} I greeted them ....)
These are little things and maybe they don't matter to you, but they are worth considering if you might want to publish. Also, for ease of reading, I'd suggest leaving a space between each paragraph. This is a wonderful story and I can't wait to read more of it.
Hugs to you... MM
P. S. Capitalize all the words in your title except the articles... Darren and the Giant Locust.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Ty so much for your helpful advice. I will edit!
Comment from DR DIP
Hmmm nice read I really enjoy hearing of people's childhood. All those little idiosyncrasies and behaviours that make each child an individuality.
thanks for sharing
dip
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Hmmm nice read I really enjoy hearing of people's childhood. All those little idiosyncrasies and behaviours that make each child an individuality.
thanks for sharing
dip
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Doc. I appreciate your continued support.
Badger
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I would (p)ut a small handful
This is a nice addition to the feelings and thoughts of a child finding his place in the world. I love the way you tell of your father's teaching and the way you interacted with your relation.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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I would (p)ut a small handful
This is a nice addition to the feelings and thoughts of a child finding his place in the world. I love the way you tell of your father's teaching and the way you interacted with your relation.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for your continued support. It is always a pleasure to hear from you
Blessings,
Brother Badger
Comment from Sixty70
You have memories from an early age and you tell stories in an intriguing way. Cleaning up some of the syntax, word choice, and grammar issues will make your piece compelling. Here are some nits:
'Born on April twenty,' Spelled out, consider twentieth. You could also, more easily use 20.
'I was  born premature' Technically, you need to use the adverb 'prematurely' if you use the verb phrase 'was born.' You could also say 'I was premature.'
'We live on Avon Way,' This should be past tense, lived.
'I hopped on the accommidating guys back' The correct form is 'guy's back'
I think for the most part, story trumps grammar. But grammar still counts, especially if folks stop reading because of errors. Getting some of the basics down pat will help your story shine! Best to you.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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You have memories from an early age and you tell stories in an intriguing way. Cleaning up some of the syntax, word choice, and grammar issues will make your piece compelling. Here are some nits:
'Born on April twenty,' Spelled out, consider twentieth. You could also, more easily use 20.
'I was  born premature' Technically, you need to use the adverb 'prematurely' if you use the verb phrase 'was born.' You could also say 'I was premature.'
'We live on Avon Way,' This should be past tense, lived.
'I hopped on the accommidating guys back' The correct form is 'guy's back'
I think for the most part, story trumps grammar. But grammar still counts, especially if folks stop reading because of errors. Getting some of the basics down pat will help your story shine! Best to you.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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I really appreciate your comments, and your taking the time to read and review. Your help with these items is greatly appreciated, and I will work on this with your kind and gentle correction.
This teaches me another valuable lesson, that I quit being in such a hurry to post, and save my posts in preview and proofread carefully before I go public.
Thanks again, I sincerely appreciate your help!
Blessings,
Brother Badger
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One trick I use, especially before hitting the submit button, is to read my work out loud. It slows the eye and you also get the advantage of hearing what your writing sounds like. Best to you.
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I have edited, thanks again for the help, I really appreciate it.
Darren
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Thanks so much, will do.
Brother Badger
Comment from Heidi M
Your dad was great. I like how he encouraged you and the scary grasshopper didn't haunt you. Cute story about greeting all hoppers in the name of the king and queen.
Space:
looked at (its) contents
He explains - delete 'd'Ivoire
You have vacillated between past and present tense. Example: We moved (past tense) My daddy told (past tense) We live on (present tense)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Your dad was great. I like how he encouraged you and the scary grasshopper didn't haunt you. Cute story about greeting all hoppers in the name of the king and queen.
Space:
looked at (its) contents
He explains - delete 'd'Ivoire
You have vacillated between past and present tense. Example: We moved (past tense) My daddy told (past tense) We live on (present tense)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. I really appreciate your comments and help with the tenses, this eases my tension!
Thanks,
Darren
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I have edited, thanks again!
Darren
Comment from winnona
You might want to reread the piece again. I saw a couple of typo's one is mt eyes instead of my eyes. The other one is i instead of I. Hopefully, you can correct it before someone comes along and takes stars away.
That being said it is well-written and I found it interesting. Especially about the grasshopper. Well done
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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You might want to reread the piece again. I saw a couple of typo's one is mt eyes instead of my eyes. The other one is i instead of I. Hopefully, you can correct it before someone comes along and takes stars away.
That being said it is well-written and I found it interesting. Especially about the grasshopper. Well done
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much, again, in a hurry, but I believe that I have edited out the errors..
Thanks again for your continued support, and help with proofreading.
Brother Badger
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I have edited, thanks again.
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I know. I can never catch all the mistakes. I would not of even mentioned it except some of the reviewers live to catch mistakes and take stars away from a good story.
