The True Test
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Doug, Athletic Trainer"Teachers are left to survive
8 total reviews
Comment from michaelcahill
Nothing critical. I've been sneaking by to read this just for the enjoyment. I like the smooth style and pace. I think you have a publishable style and the content of this is really quite engrossing. I like it. I have little time to review or be a decent fan lately. Hopefully that will change in the near future. I am out here lurking around though. Love this. Great work. mikey :))
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017
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Nothing critical. I've been sneaking by to read this just for the enjoyment. I like the smooth style and pace. I think you have a publishable style and the content of this is really quite engrossing. I like it. I have little time to review or be a decent fan lately. Hopefully that will change in the near future. I am out here lurking around though. Love this. Great work. mikey :))
Comment Written 28-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2017
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Mikey, of all the people on this sight I trust you the most. You truly care. I am enjoying writing this novel even if it is out of order. Shelly , the Psychology teacher is my favorite character right now. She is so ready to die before the disaster. You touch my heart and soul with this review. the novel has so much work to do on it. but I so want to write it and people read it. You just inspired me to write more.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I can see what you're doing with these, but when you come to the end you will probably have to go back and try to introduce a lot of this in a much more organic manner as at the moment it does feel disjointed.
HIs degree in Exercise Science and Kinesthetic - His.
The special ed psyciatrist - psychiatrist.
imaginative story full of dalogue - dialogue.
She knew her boys heart - boy's.
To Doug, it feld like a castle - felt.
Today, Thursday , he was up early - delete space after Thursday.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
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Hi there,
I can see what you're doing with these, but when you come to the end you will probably have to go back and try to introduce a lot of this in a much more organic manner as at the moment it does feel disjointed.
HIs degree in Exercise Science and Kinesthetic - His.
The special ed psyciatrist - psychiatrist.
imaginative story full of dalogue - dialogue.
She knew her boys heart - boy's.
To Doug, it feld like a castle - felt.
Today, Thursday , he was up early - delete space after Thursday.
All the best
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2017
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Hi there, yes, I just wanted to clarify their personalities in my mind. This is definitely a work in progress.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello jusylee,
You have created a strong, intriguing character in Silver Fox. This seems to be a 'foundation' chapter where you set the stage for a meatier story to come.
Best wishes with the rest of the novel. Nice to meet you. Belated New Year wishes.
Until next time,
Sonali xx :)
before Doug could move out of his parents(')
He failed it two times. ... how about ... He failed it twice ...?
kept the promise and gave her 8 year old son the medicine bag when he became 8 years old. ... suggest: .... kept her promise and gave her son the medicine bag when he was eight years old.
She knew her boy(')s heart
dark(-)haired, beautiful woman in a
He would gently (bandage) them,
After all, he (was) named Silver Fox
Doug stood a (l)ittle over 6 feet.
she could get the funding she needed f(ro)m grants.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Hello jusylee,
You have created a strong, intriguing character in Silver Fox. This seems to be a 'foundation' chapter where you set the stage for a meatier story to come.
Best wishes with the rest of the novel. Nice to meet you. Belated New Year wishes.
Until next time,
Sonali xx :)
before Doug could move out of his parents(')
He failed it two times. ... how about ... He failed it twice ...?
kept the promise and gave her 8 year old son the medicine bag when he became 8 years old. ... suggest: .... kept her promise and gave her son the medicine bag when he was eight years old.
She knew her boy(')s heart
dark(-)haired, beautiful woman in a
He would gently (bandage) them,
After all, he (was) named Silver Fox
Doug stood a (l)ittle over 6 feet.
she could get the funding she needed f(ro)m grants.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Nice to meet you too. I always love when people correct my mistakes. When you read it yourself you just don't see them because your mind knows what you mean. Hope you will continue to help me with this work. Judy
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Another great part. In fact, Doug, Silver Fox, is such an interesting character I would love to read more about him. The Indian ways, and the gifts he had, all made him an exceptional lad. There were a few silly nits, pressing the wrong key, I do it all the time. Well done. A pleasure to read. I look forward to the next part. xsx Sandra
To Doug, it feld(felt) like a castle.
She was completly convin(v)ced she could get the funding she needed form(from) grants.
rolls, flips, (,)dance
He was sure he could convinc(d)e her
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Another great part. In fact, Doug, Silver Fox, is such an interesting character I would love to read more about him. The Indian ways, and the gifts he had, all made him an exceptional lad. There were a few silly nits, pressing the wrong key, I do it all the time. Well done. A pleasure to read. I look forward to the next part. xsx Sandra
To Doug, it feld(felt) like a castle.
She was completly convin(v)ced she could get the funding she needed form(from) grants.
rolls, flips, (,)dance
He was sure he could convinc(d)e her
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Yes, those stupid nits. They are hard to see when you know what you wanted to write. I will go and fix those. That is why I treasure people like you who eye and read and let me know what is wrong or not clear. Thank you so much.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good job with Silver Fox. Wherever you end up putting these descriptions, it will definitely add to the story. It's always better when we feel like we know the characters. :)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Good job with Silver Fox. Wherever you end up putting these descriptions, it will definitely add to the story. It's always better when we feel like we know the characters. :)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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thank you Phyllis, It is also helping me come up with story lines within the disaster. As always thank you.
Comment from Sixty70
I'm glad you added the information at the end because this is all backstory. As you intended! I like Doug as a character. I'm curious to see what he'll be like handling conflict, especially romantic conflict. This will be a romance?
Some nits:
"He failed it two times now." Since he failed it in the past, it can't be 'now'. Easier to say 'He failed it twice.'
"...above her grandsons head." You need to indicate possession with an apostrophe.
"Some little boys bring home stray animals. Doug's parents soon learned their little boy was different. He didn't just bring home little puppies. He brought home any little injured creature he could find." You used little four times in three lines. You use it again just a bit further on. Most writers have words that they repeat often - an idiosyncrasy we all share. When I notice using the same word a couple of time on a page, I do a FIND to see exactly how many times in the MSS I've used it. That clues me in to my idiosyncrasies.
Thanks for an interesting introduction.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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I'm glad you added the information at the end because this is all backstory. As you intended! I like Doug as a character. I'm curious to see what he'll be like handling conflict, especially romantic conflict. This will be a romance?
Some nits:
"He failed it two times now." Since he failed it in the past, it can't be 'now'. Easier to say 'He failed it twice.'
"...above her grandsons head." You need to indicate possession with an apostrophe.
"Some little boys bring home stray animals. Doug's parents soon learned their little boy was different. He didn't just bring home little puppies. He brought home any little injured creature he could find." You used little four times in three lines. You use it again just a bit further on. Most writers have words that they repeat often - an idiosyncrasy we all share. When I notice using the same word a couple of time on a page, I do a FIND to see exactly how many times in the MSS I've used it. That clues me in to my idiosyncrasies.
Thanks for an interesting introduction.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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thank you so much for the thoughtful and extremely helpful critique. I love that you showed me the over use of little. I definitely need to go back and correct that. So kind of you to help me.
Comment from winnona
A well-written piece. You are developing the character of Doug very well. As the story unfolds this character will grow. Your other characters are well written and I look forward to reading the other parts of the story.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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A well-written piece. You are developing the character of Doug very well. As the story unfolds this character will grow. Your other characters are well written and I look forward to reading the other parts of the story.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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thank you, by going back and giving them more back stories it is helping me come up with more story ideas. Thank you so much for reading.
Comment from Douglas Paul
A good chapter with the background on Doug. LOL - I am an MSU grad, so I liked that part - did you go there too? This background is very creative and assures that Doug will be an interesting character
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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A good chapter with the background on Doug. LOL - I am an MSU grad, so I liked that part - did you go there too? This background is very creative and assures that Doug will be an interesting character
Comment Written 22-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2017
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No I went to UTEP. Going back and defining the characters is really giving me some great story ideas Thanks for reading love hearing from you.
