Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "haiku suite-burning warehouse traps"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
10 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
This is a well writing haiku sweet which has great imagery of a horrible event. I like how the haikus interwine and how the last lines use senses and emotions.
Keep writng and stay healthy.
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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This is a well writing haiku sweet which has great imagery of a horrible event. I like how the haikus interwine and how the last lines use senses and emotions.
Keep writng and stay healthy.
dragonpoet
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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Thank you for your review. I am thrilled that my work here still touches people. I have been off FanStory for a while. I return from time to time to salvage writings from my portfolio to submit to literary journals, which have published numerous pieces. Thank you for your review.
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You're very welcome. Congrats on being published.
dp
Comment from barkingdog
This one really touched me:
'sputtering candles
crowd sidewalk memorial
lives extinguished'
I can see you are still in mourning for this tragic event. It's something that will effect you forever. ('Christmas without a friend.')
Take care,
:) ellen
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2017
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This one really touched me:
'sputtering candles
crowd sidewalk memorial
lives extinguished'
I can see you are still in mourning for this tragic event. It's something that will effect you forever. ('Christmas without a friend.')
Take care,
:) ellen
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2017
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Ellen, I felt a pang of grief when I reread that haiku. It is hard to believe I wrote it. It is hard to believe all of those people with their lives ahead of them are gone. Thank you for your review and condolences.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I remember reviewing your suite before and it is as good now as it was then :)
I) burning warehouse traps revelers inside brick walls--
crematorium
II) the sun shines hot above cold warehouse where people burned--
cemetery chills
III) after winter rains smoke's stench remains around pyre--
do I smell cremains?
IV) glimpsed through blasted door charred Shiva carving rules -- wreck destroy and create
V) sputtering candles crowd sidewalk memorial --lives extinguished
VI) left near burnt ruins flaming red poinsettias--
Christmas without friend
I= this haiku reminds me of the Orlando shooting
II=nice alliteration, Andre :) this one reminds me of a funeral
III=this is disturbing to me, I can smell what you smell and that is what a good haiku is about.
IV=Shiva is the god of destruction because through destruction there is rebirth ... like the spirits of the victims
V= I like the juxtaposition of the horrible fire and the spiritual fire in honor to the victims... well done!
VI=this one is a very sad heartbreaking and poignant
Bravo! Well done and I am proud of you
gypsy sensei
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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I remember reviewing your suite before and it is as good now as it was then :)
I) burning warehouse traps revelers inside brick walls--
crematorium
II) the sun shines hot above cold warehouse where people burned--
cemetery chills
III) after winter rains smoke's stench remains around pyre--
do I smell cremains?
IV) glimpsed through blasted door charred Shiva carving rules -- wreck destroy and create
V) sputtering candles crowd sidewalk memorial --lives extinguished
VI) left near burnt ruins flaming red poinsettias--
Christmas without friend
I= this haiku reminds me of the Orlando shooting
II=nice alliteration, Andre :) this one reminds me of a funeral
III=this is disturbing to me, I can smell what you smell and that is what a good haiku is about.
IV=Shiva is the god of destruction because through destruction there is rebirth ... like the spirits of the victims
V= I like the juxtaposition of the horrible fire and the spiritual fire in honor to the victims... well done!
VI=this one is a very sad heartbreaking and poignant
Bravo! Well done and I am proud of you
gypsy sensei
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Gypsy, for your re-review. I am so glad I reposted this in the book. I have a couple of more to repost and hundreds of new ones to write!
Comment from robyn corum
Thanks so much for moving this haiku over to the book, Andre. That helps me out sooo much. *smile* I'm the 'gravedigger' whose job is it to go around and find all these poems! Thanks! (Since I've already reviewed, I'm passing!)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks so much for moving this haiku over to the book, Andre. That helps me out sooo much. *smile* I'm the 'gravedigger' whose job is it to go around and find all these poems! Thanks! (Since I've already reviewed, I'm passing!)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Robyn, for congratulating me on moving this haiku to the book. It is great to have the book to organize our haiku by theme. I will repost two more of my earlier haiku and may repost haiku I wrote last year, but I am definitely posting new ones, too. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A chilling tale of tragedy, your small Haiku is stark and cold and hammers home the sad loss of life in your message, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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A chilling tale of tragedy, your small Haiku is stark and cold and hammers home the sad loss of life in your message, love Dolly x
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Dolly, for your review of my haiku about "a chilling tale of tragedy."
Comment from DR DIP
Is this still classified as a haiku Sis? It reads like a series of front page headlines
Are you going to enter both Haikus Sis? good luck if you are
dip
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Is this still classified as a haiku Sis? It reads like a series of front page headlines
Are you going to enter both Haikus Sis? good luck if you are
dip
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Dip, I am entering the entire suite. Yes, my poem reads like a series of front page headlines because this was front page news for weeks here in the Bay Area. I visited the ruins twice to collect my observations distilled in these haiku. I captured details the news missed. I have submitted these to a journal for publication in case the book does not pan out. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Donya Quijote
And interesting and disturbing sequence of shorts. Such a tragic occurrence. The first poem was the most haunting for me as it conjured up so many other images stored in my sleep deprived brain.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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And interesting and disturbing sequence of shorts. Such a tragic occurrence. The first poem was the most haunting for me as it conjured up so many other images stored in my sleep deprived brain.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Donya, for your review of a disturbing poem about an event that happened last month. I hope you get some sleep.
Comment from nomi338
Considering the tragedy that spawned this work, my hat is off to you for your ability to make something beautiful that tells the story in a way that is not mawkish, but still capable of garnering sympathy for the poor victims of this horrendous event.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Considering the tragedy that spawned this work, my hat is off to you for your ability to make something beautiful that tells the story in a way that is not mawkish, but still capable of garnering sympathy for the poor victims of this horrendous event.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you, nomi338, for your review of a beautiful poem about a horrendous event. Thank you for your condolences as well.
Comment from ciliverde
I really liked this the first time through, Andre, and it was good to read through the series again. One thought - in number V, last line, you could leave it simply as "lives extinguished". I don't think you HAVE to have 5 syllables, and I think this gets the point across perfectly.
The last one in the series is so poignant - the beautiful poinsettias left to honor the lost friend. It's so sad, and we should not forget a single one of the lost...
Carol
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2017
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I really liked this the first time through, Andre, and it was good to read through the series again. One thought - in number V, last line, you could leave it simply as "lives extinguished". I don't think you HAVE to have 5 syllables, and I think this gets the point across perfectly.
The last one in the series is so poignant - the beautiful poinsettias left to honor the lost friend. It's so sad, and we should not forget a single one of the lost...
Carol
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Carol, for reviewing this again. You're the second person to suggest omitting "lost" as redundant. I have done so.
Yes, it haunts me to visit the ruins before Christmas and see the poinsettias and Christmas lights placed at the memorial. I think, "Families are spending Christmas without loved ones."
Thank you for your review.
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I think it must be so haunting...I'm really sorry you lost friends in this way.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
this set deserves a six. I have read some haikus that are not haikus but are just 5-7-5 and I pass them by, but these are true and very thought out. Nicely done
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2017
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this set deserves a six. I have read some haikus that are not haikus but are just 5-7-5 and I pass them by, but these are true and very thought out. Nicely done
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Barb, for your generous, six star review. I hesitated reposting this haiku suite from December, but wanted it included in the Haiku Club Book. My poem is as powerful now as it was then. You are right--mine are true and very thought out I say something of consequence. Thank you again for your surprising, six star review.
