Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "haiku (fat robin)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
27 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you!
Comment from DR DIP
Hmmm I am still coming to terms Robyn with the skills of writing a haiku Without the picture to embrace the words it would not have the same impact.
Sorry Robyn it must be just me I just can't seem to see the association betreen a fat robin and a flounder over a fisherman's head I know it's cryptic and you have to look into the words and all I just struggle.
nonetheless comparing it to other Haikus it is as good
dip
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Hmmm I am still coming to terms Robyn with the skills of writing a haiku Without the picture to embrace the words it would not have the same impact.
Sorry Robyn it must be just me I just can't seem to see the association betreen a fat robin and a flounder over a fisherman's head I know it's cryptic and you have to look into the words and all I just struggle.
nonetheless comparing it to other Haikus it is as good
dip
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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This one is about a bird singing the location of the best fishing spots right over a fishermans head. But fishermen don't speak bird. Haha! Thank you!
Comment from Dean Kuch
Hello, Robyn. I see you've written a haiku about your namesake. Nice.
Your 5/6/5 syllable count is well within the limits of seventeen syllables, or less, as required by the haiku form.
Lines one and two, or the phrase of your haiku, show a definite grammatical connection and concrete imagery.
It's written in present tense as an observation of nature, and your kigo, or seasonal reference, most likely has to do with spring or summer as they pertain to the tropics.
Your satori is a summation of what was witnessed in the phrase of your haiku.
Good work with this one!
I suddenly feel like singin' Michael Jackson's "Rockin' Robin" for some reason.
Odd...
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Hello, Robyn. I see you've written a haiku about your namesake. Nice.
Your 5/6/5 syllable count is well within the limits of seventeen syllables, or less, as required by the haiku form.
Lines one and two, or the phrase of your haiku, show a definite grammatical connection and concrete imagery.
It's written in present tense as an observation of nature, and your kigo, or seasonal reference, most likely has to do with spring or summer as they pertain to the tropics.
Your satori is a summation of what was witnessed in the phrase of your haiku.
Good work with this one!
I suddenly feel like singin' Michael Jackson's "Rockin' Robin" for some reason.
Odd...
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Dean!
Comment from Donya Quijote
I am sorry but I cannot call this a haiku for a variety of reasons: 1)your juxtaposition does not make any sense as robins have little to do with fish or fishermen 2)the flounder generally rests on the bottom of the ocean and robin have little to do with the ocean. Trees are are where they dwell. 3)punctuation: tildes usually go over a letter the n in Spanish and over vowels in Portuguese. Not sure why it is here. Also not sure why you used the apostrophe in the word over.
I am sure you had an idea and I do believe it can still fleshed out. Focus your poem on what robins do, where they do it, when they do, how they do it, and other things and you will find your haiku.
You do have a nice presentation. The purple background is pleasing and the picture of the robin (a European robin) is good. If you like to use pictures with your haiku I would recommend using the traditional setting so that your words do not get overwhelmed by the picture. In haiku the words and images they create are far more important. Keep trying. If you do rework this haiku let me know and I will re-evaluate.
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reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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I am sorry but I cannot call this a haiku for a variety of reasons: 1)your juxtaposition does not make any sense as robins have little to do with fish or fishermen 2)the flounder generally rests on the bottom of the ocean and robin have little to do with the ocean. Trees are are where they dwell. 3)punctuation: tildes usually go over a letter the n in Spanish and over vowels in Portuguese. Not sure why it is here. Also not sure why you used the apostrophe in the word over.
I am sure you had an idea and I do believe it can still fleshed out. Focus your poem on what robins do, where they do it, when they do, how they do it, and other things and you will find your haiku.
You do have a nice presentation. The purple background is pleasing and the picture of the robin (a European robin) is good. If you like to use pictures with your haiku I would recommend using the traditional setting so that your words do not get overwhelmed by the picture. In haiku the words and images they create are far more important. Keep trying. If you do rework this haiku let me know and I will re-evaluate.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
LOL I like fat robins... they are so adorable hehehe like the one in the picture. :) I like your rewrite. Good job, sweetie pie.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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LOL I like fat robins... they are so adorable hehehe like the one in the picture. :) I like your rewrite. Good job, sweetie pie.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, gypsy!
Comment from Gloria ....
Haaaaa, this is funny as all get up, Robyn. You don't look fat at all to me. Weeeeeeeee, sorry I couldn't resist, but it just seems to fit this enormously humorous haiku. I wanna be that fat robin because she seems pretty smart to me.
Awesomeness in totality.
Gloria
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Haaaaa, this is funny as all get up, Robyn. You don't look fat at all to me. Weeeeeeeee, sorry I couldn't resist, but it just seems to fit this enormously humorous haiku. I wanna be that fat robin because she seems pretty smart to me.
Awesomeness in totality.
Gloria
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you!
Comment from IndianaIrish
I know some haiku writers are using some techniques I was taught not to use, so you can take or drop-kick my comments. Your three lines read as one continuous line. Even with the tilde, there really isn't a pause after the second line. Most haiku writers try to avoid articles if not absolutely necessary, and your "a" isn't needed. Also, I wonder why you used a poetic contraction for over. It might be me, Robyn, but I don't get the robin's song in locating the flounder...or is it that robin is warning the fish the fisherman is near? Or is it telling the fisherman the fish are close? I'm sorry I don't understand. LOL
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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I know some haiku writers are using some techniques I was taught not to use, so you can take or drop-kick my comments. Your three lines read as one continuous line. Even with the tilde, there really isn't a pause after the second line. Most haiku writers try to avoid articles if not absolutely necessary, and your "a" isn't needed. Also, I wonder why you used a poetic contraction for over. It might be me, Robyn, but I don't get the robin's song in locating the flounder...or is it that robin is warning the fish the fisherman is near? Or is it telling the fisherman the fish are close? I'm sorry I don't understand. LOL
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Tits still a work in progress but the idea is that the bird is telling the fisherman where he can find all the fish but he doesn't understand bird. Haha
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Are you sure that's a robyn, looks more like a finch, or an orange necked warbler. Nice poem though. Most Haiku that I read doesn't make sense.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Are you sure that's a robyn, looks more like a finch, or an orange necked warbler. Nice poem though. Most Haiku that I read doesn't make sense.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Thomas!
Comment from Mastery
Wonderful presentation, Robyn. Even the colors you used for background and text fit the mood and the bird perfectly. What is meant by the over a fisherman's head btw? Just call me dumb. LOL... Bob
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Wonderful presentation, Robyn. Even the colors you used for background and text fit the mood and the bird perfectly. What is meant by the over a fisherman's head btw? Just call me dumb. LOL... Bob
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Check it now, if you don't mind. I've revised! Thank you!
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Hi,,my friend. I did not know Robin's could do that? so far out over the water? Wow. Bob
Comment from Sis Cat
This, Robyn, is a fine haiku. I imagine the fat robin feasting on the fisherman's flounder. I do not quite grasp your satori or the picture you are painting. Why is the flounder over the fisherman's head? Your three lines read as one statement rather than the third line being a comment or observation of the first two lines. The contraction of "over" is unnecessary and you could omit the article "A" and the preposition "of" to read as:
"fat robin sings
flounder's location
over fisherman's head"
Just a suggestion. I enjoy reading and sharing haiku. Keep them coming!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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This, Robyn, is a fine haiku. I imagine the fat robin feasting on the fisherman's flounder. I do not quite grasp your satori or the picture you are painting. Why is the flounder over the fisherman's head? Your three lines read as one statement rather than the third line being a comment or observation of the first two lines. The contraction of "over" is unnecessary and you could omit the article "A" and the preposition "of" to read as:
"fat robin sings
flounder's location
over fisherman's head"
Just a suggestion. I enjoy reading and sharing haiku. Keep them coming!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Andre. Dead on with all your comments!
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Robyn, I reread your haiku. It's beautiful. Keep them coming. : )
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Oh, let's don't go that far. *smile* We're still having the one sentence or not debate right now, too. hahaha! But thanks, Andre! I really do appreciate you so much!
