Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "haiku (fat robin)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
27 total reviews
Comment from l.raven
HI Robyn, what a beautiful picture you...and I love your colors....and your poem is so cute...I hope this fisherman wore a hat my sweet friend...very clever wording you...very nicely written...Love ya Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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HI Robyn, what a beautiful picture you...and I love your colors....and your poem is so cute...I hope this fisherman wore a hat my sweet friend...very clever wording you...very nicely written...Love ya Linda xxoo
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you!
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your so welcome you...xxoo
Comment from Connie C
Uh oh, the fisherman better watch out with a bird over his head. I always find haiku difficult to write, but I think you have done a good job with this one. I do believe you have some imagery here as well, which is sometimes a challenge when writing a haiku. Good job, Robyn.
Connie
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Uh oh, the fisherman better watch out with a bird over his head. I always find haiku difficult to write, but I think you have done a good job with this one. I do believe you have some imagery here as well, which is sometimes a challenge when writing a haiku. Good job, Robyn.
Connie
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Connie!
Comment from Grasshopper2
Hi Robyn,
First, your presentation is right; the photo, fonts, all of the colors work together and are genuinely attractive. Second, your haiku syllable count is 4 4 6 and varies from the traditional format of short/long/short with short/short/long. At just 14 syllables, it is well within the limits of seventeen syllables, or less, which the form needs.
Your first two lines are connected grammatically and reveal detailed imagery in the present tense. The haiku is a current observation of a moment in time captured in nature. You show discipline with good choices of only nine words is outstanding word economy. Your kigo (seasonal reference) of fish and birds are both in the Japanese Kigo Dictionary online.
I have an issue with your structure as written.
fat robin sings
fish's location --
over fisherman's head
I think you should switch lines 2 and 3:
fat robin sings
over fisherman's head -
fish's location
You can also drop the word 'fat' and not lose any meaning and have even better word economy. This change puts the structure back to short/long/short and gives iron to the satori. In my rambling humble opinion, with this tweak, it becomes a well-written haiku. I enjoyed reading and exercising my three gray cells.
Blessings,
Grasshopper2
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Hi Robyn,
First, your presentation is right; the photo, fonts, all of the colors work together and are genuinely attractive. Second, your haiku syllable count is 4 4 6 and varies from the traditional format of short/long/short with short/short/long. At just 14 syllables, it is well within the limits of seventeen syllables, or less, which the form needs.
Your first two lines are connected grammatically and reveal detailed imagery in the present tense. The haiku is a current observation of a moment in time captured in nature. You show discipline with good choices of only nine words is outstanding word economy. Your kigo (seasonal reference) of fish and birds are both in the Japanese Kigo Dictionary online.
I have an issue with your structure as written.
fat robin sings
fish's location --
over fisherman's head
I think you should switch lines 2 and 3:
fat robin sings
over fisherman's head -
fish's location
You can also drop the word 'fat' and not lose any meaning and have even better word economy. This change puts the structure back to short/long/short and gives iron to the satori. In my rambling humble opinion, with this tweak, it becomes a well-written haiku. I enjoyed reading and exercising my three gray cells.
Blessings,
Grasshopper2
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Michael. I agree with the 'fat' robin. But not the swapping lines. The short/long/short is a rule you've chosen but it isn't a hard rule, remember. I think the only way to keep the irony is by singing the fish's location right over the fisherman's head. (having that as a last line) But thank you so much for getting me to think so hard!
Comment from Douglas Paul
I am not sure about this one, my friend. You have a strong clear image in the first two lines, but the satori feels a little like a run on sentence.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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I am not sure about this one, my friend. You have a strong clear image in the first two lines, but the satori feels a little like a run on sentence.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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This is one of those areas where we may have to agree to disagree. I don't think that all haiku must NEVER flow as one line. I think even Basho wrote some like that, didn't he? I'll have to check on that. *smile* I think that's just one of the rules we get to choose for ourselves, isn't it? Not sure. But thanks, as always, for your honesty!
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You could be right about that
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Orrrrr...I could be wrong. I'm wrong a LOT.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Such a cute picture with a cute poem to accompany it. Few words with a clever message! Nature can be so cute, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Such a cute picture with a cute poem to accompany it. Few words with a clever message! Nature can be so cute, love Dolly x
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Dolly!
Comment from aryr
Awww the picture was so so very cute, definitely a fat little guy. I liked the simplicity- so short, so few words but with an enormous story/ tale. Great job, thanks.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Awww the picture was so so very cute, definitely a fat little guy. I liked the simplicity- so short, so few words but with an enormous story/ tale. Great job, thanks.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, my friend!
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You are very welcome Robyn.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I hope he doesn't pooh on the fishermans's head. A good haiku. Flounder makes me want fish--or maybe breakfast at least. Well done, my friend. Hear you at haiku club tonight. It's pretty cool we can talk because I type so slow~Debbie
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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I hope he doesn't pooh on the fishermans's head. A good haiku. Flounder makes me want fish--or maybe breakfast at least. Well done, my friend. Hear you at haiku club tonight. It's pretty cool we can talk because I type so slow~Debbie
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thanks, Debbie!
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
the robin's such a plucky little fellow
and sings continuously, even when
it's getting dark outside.
great imagery in this short little piece - love the picture also.
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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the robin's such a plucky little fellow
and sings continuously, even when
it's getting dark outside.
great imagery in this short little piece - love the picture also.
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Margaret!
Comment from royowen
There's nothing worse than a "dibber robber" Robin, Robyn, nicely composed my friend, with the appropriate artwork to give it impetus with a nice satori, well done, Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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There's nothing worse than a "dibber robber" Robin, Robyn, nicely composed my friend, with the appropriate artwork to give it impetus with a nice satori, well done, Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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She's telling you where they are, Roy! Haha!
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Yep hahaha
Comment from Chrissy710
Hi Robyn, I think I get it The fat robyn sings because he can find the flounder quicker as he flies over the fishermen heads and so sits smugly and full on the branch singing with a smug fullness. I hope I have interpreted this right. Made me think this one well done Cheers Christine
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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Hi Robyn, I think I get it The fat robyn sings because he can find the flounder quicker as he flies over the fishermen heads and so sits smugly and full on the branch singing with a smug fullness. I hope I have interpreted this right. Made me think this one well done Cheers Christine
Comment Written 17-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
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You got it! Fishermen can't understand bird song so he can't know where the best spots are. And of course I love robin's! Hahaha
