A Future Lost.
Two lives wasted. Fiction.36 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
This is the kind of story that wins competitions. It is logical though dramatic and emotional in its impact. It is believable and that's the most important thing. There are a few suggestions and considerations I think you'll want to look over and if they make sense to you, make the changes.
Jenny thought she heard something, it could have been a kittens meow. [Two things: First, you need punctuation other than a comma after "something." You can't have two complete sentences separated by a comma. It is a run-on sentence. So you need to replace the comma with a semicolon, a period, or even an Em dash (--); secondly, KITTEN'S is possessive. You need the apostrophe.]
Her old grey eyes carried the pain of the world, as she tried to hide a slight whimper. [I like the evocativeness of this sentence.]
And I think that he believed that I was not fully committed. [Just a suggestion: I don't believe you need the first "that" and with it there you create an "echo" with the second one (as a matter of fact, if you read the sentence aloud you may find you need neither). I go through my own writing before I post them, looking for unnecessary "that's." I find a lot--usually four or five per post. Just a suggestion.]
Looking up at me, "We didn't have mobile phones or any of the gadgets you have these days. [Since this is a continuation to her dialogue, I would add to the rather awkward opening of and include, "Looking up at me, (SHE ADDED), "We didn't ..."> This may sound rather subjective, but I thought I would point it out as a possibility.]
and with-held his true destination. [You need close quote mark after "destination."]
In the early eighties dad decided to change the fireplace, and guess what he found behind that loose wooden surround? [I have what I believe is a very important suggestion here. You need to go back to when you first mentioned the letters he put on the mantle and include something subtle but suggestive of the age/condition of the old mantle--though nothing that would give away the later disclosure that it had slipped in the crack. It is a practice prevalent in mystery novels. Not to do this leaves the reader with a sense of being cheated.]
Her mum looked at her." [No closed quote here.]
I wish you the best of luck in the competition.
Jay
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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This is the kind of story that wins competitions. It is logical though dramatic and emotional in its impact. It is believable and that's the most important thing. There are a few suggestions and considerations I think you'll want to look over and if they make sense to you, make the changes.
Jenny thought she heard something, it could have been a kittens meow. [Two things: First, you need punctuation other than a comma after "something." You can't have two complete sentences separated by a comma. It is a run-on sentence. So you need to replace the comma with a semicolon, a period, or even an Em dash (--); secondly, KITTEN'S is possessive. You need the apostrophe.]
Her old grey eyes carried the pain of the world, as she tried to hide a slight whimper. [I like the evocativeness of this sentence.]
And I think that he believed that I was not fully committed. [Just a suggestion: I don't believe you need the first "that" and with it there you create an "echo" with the second one (as a matter of fact, if you read the sentence aloud you may find you need neither). I go through my own writing before I post them, looking for unnecessary "that's." I find a lot--usually four or five per post. Just a suggestion.]
Looking up at me, "We didn't have mobile phones or any of the gadgets you have these days. [Since this is a continuation to her dialogue, I would add to the rather awkward opening of
and with-held his true destination. [You need close quote mark after "destination."]
In the early eighties dad decided to change the fireplace, and guess what he found behind that loose wooden surround? [I have what I believe is a very important suggestion here. You need to go back to when you first mentioned the letters he put on the mantle and include something subtle but suggestive of the age/condition of the old mantle--though nothing that would give away the later disclosure that it had slipped in the crack. It is a practice prevalent in mystery novels. Not to do this leaves the reader with a sense of being cheated.]
Her mum looked at her." [No closed quote here.]
I wish you the best of luck in the competition.
Jay
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you Jay. I have carried out all you suggest. Your suggestion about the mantle piece is clever, I would never have thought of that. I altered the sentence to describe the letter as secret and placed high up on a loose mantle piece.
As always I appreciate your help, you make my day with your reviews. And I thank you for the good wishes.
Have a nice day...
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You are very welcome. It's a balancing act. Too much foreshadowing risks giving away the important moment. Too little foreshadowing, or none at all, doesn't allow the reader the complete ah-ha! moment at disclosure. At worst, as I mention, he feels cheated.
Again, good luck with the contest.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
What a touching tragic story. No wonder it made her sad. Two lovers kept apart by a lost letter. This would make a good novel. You should write it.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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What a touching tragic story. No wonder it made her sad. Two lovers kept apart by a lost letter. This would make a good novel. You should write it.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you Thomas, for your kind review. I don't know if there's enough detail for a novel...
Comment from Thesis
Great entry to the contest. I liked the dialogue between Jenny and her mom. It was moving to read how emotional the mom became thinking about Bill. The dialogue seemed to flow freely and brought back fond memories. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Great entry to the contest. I liked the dialogue between Jenny and her mom. It was moving to read how emotional the mom became thinking about Bill. The dialogue seemed to flow freely and brought back fond memories. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you Thesis, for your kind review and good wishes. I'm so pleased you liked this...
Comment from mvbrooks
What an interesting story and unfortunately was played out by many at the turn of the 19th-20th century. I saw this contest and wondered how people would respond. Your story is plausible...and a bit sad.
editing note:
" Mum crippled by her painful arthritis, shuffled over to the table and sat down."
--need a comma after "Mum" to begin the "non-essential clause" that ends with your comma after "arthritis"
need to add hyphens to complex numbers: seventy-five-year-old
"Do you want to read it, I'll go and get it if you like?"
--this is two questions, so the comma after "it" needs to be changed to a question mark.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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What an interesting story and unfortunately was played out by many at the turn of the 19th-20th century. I saw this contest and wondered how people would respond. Your story is plausible...and a bit sad.
editing note:
" Mum crippled by her painful arthritis, shuffled over to the table and sat down."
--need a comma after "Mum" to begin the "non-essential clause" that ends with your comma after "arthritis"
need to add hyphens to complex numbers: seventy-five-year-old
"Do you want to read it, I'll go and get it if you like?"
--this is two questions, so the comma after "it" needs to be changed to a question mark.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you mybrooks, for your kind and helpful review. I've seen to those nits. I appreciate your help...
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend a very beautiful romantic but sad story that I enjoyed you done really well with the characters I enjoyed good luck regards Jill
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Yes this is well written my friend a very beautiful romantic but sad story that I enjoyed you done really well with the characters I enjoyed good luck regards Jill
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you Jill, for your kind review and good wishes. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it...
Comment from mbroyles2
This is an excellent entry to the contest. I like the conversation between Molly and her daughter Jenny.
It's a shame the original letter was lost and with it a long life of happiness.
Really nice job!
Michael
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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This is an excellent entry to the contest. I like the conversation between Molly and her daughter Jenny.
It's a shame the original letter was lost and with it a long life of happiness.
Really nice job!
Michael
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you Michael, for your kind review. I'm so pleased you like my story...
Comment from Mabaker
Ah, that was sweet. What a terrible thing, Bill thought she had changed her mind. So he left without her. Seems sad they never even tried a letter or something in all the intervening years. It would have been so easily fixed. I thought her dad might have found the letter and burnt it. Regards Mabaker.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Ah, that was sweet. What a terrible thing, Bill thought she had changed her mind. So he left without her. Seems sad they never even tried a letter or something in all the intervening years. It would have been so easily fixed. I thought her dad might have found the letter and burnt it. Regards Mabaker.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you Mabaker, for your kind review. Much appreciated...
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
I would say this should be a winner in the competition, I am moved to tears reading this as it reminds me of a similar event in my life, and the pain never dies, and never will, but what a picture you have painted, and what an idea, I am so impressed, this is a remarkable and incredible piece of work I think it is utterly incredible. SO moving! And so very clever a plot twist.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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I would say this should be a winner in the competition, I am moved to tears reading this as it reminds me of a similar event in my life, and the pain never dies, and never will, but what a picture you have painted, and what an idea, I am so impressed, this is a remarkable and incredible piece of work I think it is utterly incredible. SO moving! And so very clever a plot twist.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much Meia, for your kind review. This is a departure from my normal work and I'm so pleased you felt moved by it...
Comment from wondertwin
This is a very good contest entry, you should do well! The writing flowed smoothing as the conversation unfolded. It appeals emotionally to both characters equally. Blessings, AmyJo
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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This is a very good contest entry, you should do well! The writing flowed smoothing as the conversation unfolded. It appeals emotionally to both characters equally. Blessings, AmyJo
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you AmyJo, for your kind review, and good wishes...
Comment from estory
I think this was pretty well written, and you did a good job with the writing prompt. All the great stuff on the site today is on the short fiction side. I think you kept this mysterious, revealing little by little whats going on, and get us to keep asking questions about whats going to happen next and where this is going. that's good suspense and mystery writing. the dialogue is nice and natural between mother and daughter, the tone is subdued and somber, you get a tinge of the romantic, the lost love, hanging in the air. this could develop into something bigger very easily, open up into some kind of bigger story or even a novel. nice job estory
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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I think this was pretty well written, and you did a good job with the writing prompt. All the great stuff on the site today is on the short fiction side. I think you kept this mysterious, revealing little by little whats going on, and get us to keep asking questions about whats going to happen next and where this is going. that's good suspense and mystery writing. the dialogue is nice and natural between mother and daughter, the tone is subdued and somber, you get a tinge of the romantic, the lost love, hanging in the air. this could develop into something bigger very easily, open up into some kind of bigger story or even a novel. nice job estory
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you estory, for your kind review. I'm so pleased you found it well written...
