haiku suite--burning warehouse traps
Haiku Club Challenge # 1 fire76 total reviews
Comment from Grasshopper2
Hi Sis Cat,
I like your suite of haiku fire. It is refreshing to get more than just one to read at the same time.
I) This is a good play on words. You lines one and two are grammatically connected and lend themselves to your satori, which I think it would be stronger with a dash as a cut after walls.
burning warehouse traps
revelers inside brick walls --
crematorium
II) You are keeping the 5-7-5 haiku form; which is okay but not necessary. This is another good lines one and two with your satori on line three. I liked the 1st one better.
sun shines hot above
cold warehouse where people burned
cemetery chills
III) This is good. There are six allowed punctuations in haiku so you might consider adding a comma after rains [line one] but at the least add a dash or colon after pyre. I like this one the best so far. Your use of the cremains is most excellent.
after winter rains
smoke's stench remains around pyre
do I smell cremains?
IV) #3 goes to 2nd, this is #1.
glimpsed through blasted door
charred Shiva carving rules wreck
destroy and create
V) This is a somber slice of reality in today's world. About your satori, I am chewing this one over, so my question to is this: is it redundant with 'extinguished' and 'lost?' I go for brevity and would delete extinguished, but this is good as is. I know you have written haiku since you were knee high to a grasshopper and poetry is so very subjective. I like how you shift focus from the event to the aftermath effect on people, and you have an excellent medley of L and S sounds:
sputtering candles
crowd sidewalk memorial
lives extinguished, lost
VI) This is poignant and spot on.
left near burnt ruins
flaming red poinsettias
Christmas without friend
Thank you for posting. I enjoyed reading your suite. My favorite goes back to #3 because of your use of cremains and the image it holds. What fun in reading such terrible events.
Six-stars because they stand alone individually, but as a group, they are much more powerful. Way to go!
Always with blessings,
Michael
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Hi Sis Cat,
I like your suite of haiku fire. It is refreshing to get more than just one to read at the same time.
I) This is a good play on words. You lines one and two are grammatically connected and lend themselves to your satori, which I think it would be stronger with a dash as a cut after walls.
burning warehouse traps
revelers inside brick walls --
crematorium
II) You are keeping the 5-7-5 haiku form; which is okay but not necessary. This is another good lines one and two with your satori on line three. I liked the 1st one better.
sun shines hot above
cold warehouse where people burned
cemetery chills
III) This is good. There are six allowed punctuations in haiku so you might consider adding a comma after rains [line one] but at the least add a dash or colon after pyre. I like this one the best so far. Your use of the cremains is most excellent.
after winter rains
smoke's stench remains around pyre
do I smell cremains?
IV) #3 goes to 2nd, this is #1.
glimpsed through blasted door
charred Shiva carving rules wreck
destroy and create
V) This is a somber slice of reality in today's world. About your satori, I am chewing this one over, so my question to is this: is it redundant with 'extinguished' and 'lost?' I go for brevity and would delete extinguished, but this is good as is. I know you have written haiku since you were knee high to a grasshopper and poetry is so very subjective. I like how you shift focus from the event to the aftermath effect on people, and you have an excellent medley of L and S sounds:
sputtering candles
crowd sidewalk memorial
lives extinguished, lost
VI) This is poignant and spot on.
left near burnt ruins
flaming red poinsettias
Christmas without friend
Thank you for posting. I enjoyed reading your suite. My favorite goes back to #3 because of your use of cremains and the image it holds. What fun in reading such terrible events.
Six-stars because they stand alone individually, but as a group, they are much more powerful. Way to go!
Always with blessings,
Michael
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Michael, for your thorough, detailed six star review, suggestions, comments, and encouragement. I added dashes after walls and pyre. I, too, debated whether or not to keep both "extinguished" and "lost," but concluded that the repetition makes the loss emphatic, final.
This is my first time writing a suite of haiku. They allowed me to arrange them into a progressive story of tragedy and grief. They also invite reviewers to analyze and pick their favorite. I would be hard pressed to choose one as my favorite, but I am glad that you enjoyed three.
Thank you again for your review and encouragement.
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You earned it and certainly are welcome. I see your point about "extinguished" and "lost, and it works. I do studies with haiku with punctuations and forms using the same theme. Never thought about a suite. I like your concept and will attempt one sometime soon. What brilliant fun!
Merry Christmas and a Happy Hannukah,
Michael
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Michael, I am glad my haiku suite inspired you. Posting a three line haiku in the top ten is a lot of work. I might as well give the reviewers a ban for the buck by posting multiples.
Comment from TAB_that's me
That was such a terrible tragedy. I didn't read your last one but this is very profound and chilling. They all have great satori to them. If I had to pick just one, I think I like II the best.
teresa
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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That was such a terrible tragedy. I didn't read your last one but this is very profound and chilling. They all have great satori to them. If I had to pick just one, I think I like II the best.
teresa
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Teresa, for your generous, six star review. A reporter interviewed me in front of the Ghost Ship which I compared to a crematorium and a graveyard. The reporter said my remarks were "chilling," and then she posted one on that night's news. I am glad that you appreciate the satori in my suite of tragic haiku. Thanks again.
Comment from jmcfadden1528
This poem has great imagery. I loved the line, "after winter rains, smoke's stench remains." I took it literally as well as metaphorically. I found this line to be extremely powerful. Thanks for this awesome piece!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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This poem has great imagery. I loved the line, "after winter rains, smoke's stench remains." I took it literally as well as metaphorically. I found this line to be extremely powerful. Thanks for this awesome piece!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, even the rains cannot wash away the stench of smoke, despair, and death from the ruins. I am glad that you found my poems to be extremely powerful and awesome. Thank you for your review.
Comment from nomi338
The saddest thing for me about this great tragedy is that some people instead of feeling sadness over the tragedy, feel in some ways that it was a punishment for them even being there. My response is that God is not petty or vindictive and we should not impugn his character in such a manner as to ascribe to him lowly human motives and behavior.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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The saddest thing for me about this great tragedy is that some people instead of feeling sadness over the tragedy, feel in some ways that it was a punishment for them even being there. My response is that God is not petty or vindictive and we should not impugn his character in such a manner as to ascribe to him lowly human motives and behavior.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Yes, nomi338, it is sad how people twist this tragedy around to blame the victims. Of the thirty-six people who died, only one was a resident of the Ghost Ship warehouse. The others were guests for the music show. Thank you for your review and compassionate concern.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
Striking in format, eloquent in expression of the horror of a crematory of the living, the grieving of souls--those departed and those dealing with their ending.
Extremely graphic while at the same time loving and respectful.
You possess an old soul, Andre, and that is the highest form of compliment. I am sorry for your loss of friends.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Striking in format, eloquent in expression of the horror of a crematory of the living, the grieving of souls--those departed and those dealing with their ending.
Extremely graphic while at the same time loving and respectful.
You possess an old soul, Andre, and that is the highest form of compliment. I am sorry for your loss of friends.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Mary, for your generous, six star review. I pull no punches. My haiku suite is "Extremely graphic while at the same time loving and respectful." Yes, I fell I possess an old soul, older than my years. Thank you for your review and condolences.
Comment from Bill Schott
I'm certain that your haiku suite has captured all of the sensory images at this sad scene. Each haiku is set up as I would expect the form would look and sound in its formal presentation, perhaps once removed from Basho.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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I'm certain that your haiku suite has captured all of the sensory images at this sad scene. Each haiku is set up as I would expect the form would look and sound in its formal presentation, perhaps once removed from Basho.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Bill, for your generous, complimentary review of my sensory haiku suite "perhaps once removed from Basho."
Comment from Mustang Patty
A very moving piece. The pointsettias at the end made me choke up. There was a nice rhythm to the piece.
Each haiku stood alone, so it made sense to have them numbered.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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A very moving piece. The pointsettias at the end made me choke up. There was a nice rhythm to the piece.
Each haiku stood alone, so it made sense to have them numbered.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, Patty, many reviewers have remarked about the poignancy of the poinsettia haiku. These are devastating losses. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for family and friends who lost loved ones. Thank you for your review and condolences.
Comment from nancyrabbrose
SisCat, another winner. Your poetic tributes to the people who lost their lives recently in Oakland are beautifully written. Your heart shines on each line. I especially like the reference to the poinsettia having to spend Christmas without (visibly) its friends. God bless you and all the living people who miss those people. May their lives lost be not in vain, but that certain people who have the power -- will make better conditions for people who struggle economically but are rich in spirit.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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SisCat, another winner. Your poetic tributes to the people who lost their lives recently in Oakland are beautifully written. Your heart shines on each line. I especially like the reference to the poinsettia having to spend Christmas without (visibly) its friends. God bless you and all the living people who miss those people. May their lives lost be not in vain, but that certain people who have the power -- will make better conditions for people who struggle economically but are rich in spirit.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Nancy, for your generous, six star review, and for your kind condolences for the people who lost their lives. I am performing my poems at a fundraiser for the families of the victims Monday night. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I always enjoy reading these poet challenges. Us reviewers are the real winners here. LOL Your descriptions are letter perfect. Good write.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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I always enjoy reading these poet challenges. Us reviewers are the real winners here. LOL Your descriptions are letter perfect. Good write.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, Barbara, reviewers are the winners here. I enjoy reading writers different responses to a challenge. I am glad that you found my "good write" to be descriptive and letter perfect. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Pantygynt
I would say that in this suite you have certainly achieved your aim, singly or together they all work very well. I particularly liked the olfactory modal one, #3 because that is one of the senses seldom found in haiku, and when it is highlighted it is usually in a peasant way like the perfume of a rose. The word "cremains" is a masterpiece of word building.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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I would say that in this suite you have certainly achieved your aim, singly or together they all work very well. I particularly liked the olfactory modal one, #3 because that is one of the senses seldom found in haiku, and when it is highlighted it is usually in a peasant way like the perfume of a rose. The word "cremains" is a masterpiece of word building.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, Pantygynt, I was standing before the ruins, inhaling the stench of smoke, and thinking, "I am breathing the atoms of people who have been incinerated." I can smell death--not the rot of death, but its sadness and finality.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
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It was well deserved.
