haiku suite--burning warehouse traps
Haiku Club Challenge # 1 fire76 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
This is a very touching and emotional post. I've reviewed two in a row that have a powerful impact of the reader. Your descriptions are chilling in and of themselves. You bring the reader to the site to see it through your eyes and words. Well done.
I found the font to be small and the fancy font too difficult to read. This is an ongoing issue with my ipad. If I'm the only one that mentions this, I realize I'm in the minority. Health issues require I use an ipad as opposed to sitting at the big computer.
I enjoyed your overall presentation of this post :)
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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This is a very touching and emotional post. I've reviewed two in a row that have a powerful impact of the reader. Your descriptions are chilling in and of themselves. You bring the reader to the site to see it through your eyes and words. Well done.
I found the font to be small and the fancy font too difficult to read. This is an ongoing issue with my ipad. If I'm the only one that mentions this, I realize I'm in the minority. Health issues require I use an ipad as opposed to sitting at the big computer.
I enjoyed your overall presentation of this post :)
Comment Written 19-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Yes, Joy, when a reporter interviewed me last Wednesday in front of the ruins of the Ghost Ship, she also used the word "chilling" to describe my remarks. I distilled my impressions and observations in these haiku. Thank you for your review. I increased the size of the font from 18 to 20.
Comment from jaydub99
I am not sure what I liked better, your group of poems or your energy and commitment to your work. Each Haiku was dark, intense and well written. I liked them together as they each gave a little more insight into your experience. You are why I joined Fanstory. Brilliant writing, passion and presentation. Thanks.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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I am not sure what I liked better, your group of poems or your energy and commitment to your work. Each Haiku was dark, intense and well written. I liked them together as they each gave a little more insight into your experience. You are why I joined Fanstory. Brilliant writing, passion and presentation. Thanks.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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jaydub99, reviews such as yours are why I remain on FanStory. Thank you for your review of my "dark, intense" haiku.
Comment from Poetic Friend
Wow, this is so impressive! It is challenging to write one haiku, and you have written six. Each one can stand alone, but they work collectively and cohesively as well. Great job with the alliteration.
I love them all, but my favorite is the last one.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Wow, this is so impressive! It is challenging to write one haiku, and you have written six. Each one can stand alone, but they work collectively and cohesively as well. Great job with the alliteration.
I love them all, but my favorite is the last one.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Poetic Friend, for your review. I intended to write thirty-six--one for each victim--but decided to post six of the eight haiku I wrote. I had many impressions from visiting the Ghost Ship and decided to write a haiku suite in which "Each one can stand alone, but they work collectively and cohesively as well." I am glad you found the last one your favorite.
Comment from kriver
Hi
Interesting set of poems
that are separate yet
uniquely tied together
as a group.
Nicely written on a very difficult subject.
It is a nice tribute to all of them and their families.
Best regards,
K River
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Hi
Interesting set of poems
that are separate yet
uniquely tied together
as a group.
Nicely written on a very difficult subject.
It is a nice tribute to all of them and their families.
Best regards,
K River
Comment Written 19-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Thank you, K River, for your generous review. I am preparing to read them at a benefit for the families tonight. A subject does not get more difficult than this. Thanks again.
Comment from Jay Squires
It's good for your spiritual health that you're able to explore the emotion of this tragedy from more than one front. What I liked most about your Haiku Suite is not just the thematic harmony taken as a whole, but also the subtle progression of from one poem to the next. I continue to be impressed by your use of poetry to shine light on your feelings.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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It's good for your spiritual health that you're able to explore the emotion of this tragedy from more than one front. What I liked most about your Haiku Suite is not just the thematic harmony taken as a whole, but also the subtle progression of from one poem to the next. I continue to be impressed by your use of poetry to shine light on your feelings.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, Jay, I had written about eight haiku and arranged six to tell a story of loss and tragedy. I started big with the fire itself and then moved on to the aftermath--the smell, the chard carvings inside, the candles left by mourners, and I ended on a poignant note with the poinsettias left on the sidewalk. I saw, smelled, thought, and felt all of these details last Wednesday when I visited the ruins. I used haiku to take a series of snapshot, emotional and visceral impressions.
Thank you again for your generous, six star review. I just finished reading Act II of your script and will be sharing my comments with you shortly.
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My pleasure, Andre. The six was deserved.
Comment from Dustin Etting
I did read Ghost Ship and so I was anxious to read this too. That must have really been an emotional visit. I don't know how it couldn't have been. These writings are an amazing tribute to all those involved. Specifically about this poem; great flow, great description and very deep emotion. Excellent job!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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I did read Ghost Ship and so I was anxious to read this too. That must have really been an emotional visit. I don't know how it couldn't have been. These writings are an amazing tribute to all those involved. Specifically about this poem; great flow, great description and very deep emotion. Excellent job!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, Dustin. visiting the Ghost Ship ruins, I felt a tremendous weight of sadness, grief, and death. if the Ghost Ship warehouse was not haunted before the fire, it certainly is now. I performed my "Ghost Ship" poem on the street in front of the ruins and struggled against tears to finish it. I am performing at a fundraiser tomorrow night and may add these haiku as "an amazing tribute to all those involved." Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A great tribute to a tradgedy. Thepeople trapped inside went from revelry to the paigns of hell in an instant. So sad. So many who didn't have to die.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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A great tribute to a tradgedy. Thepeople trapped inside went from revelry to the paigns of hell in an instant. So sad. So many who didn't have to die.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, Thomas, it was horrible, and it all could have been prevented with common sense safety precautions like smoke alarms, staircases, and emergency exits. Thank you for your review of my "great tribute to a tragedy"
Comment from harmony13
Excellent Poem! The author's words are sad, descriptive and creative. The reader
pondered on the words of this poem. The artwork creates a vision of scene and compliments this poem.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Excellent Poem! The author's words are sad, descriptive and creative. The reader
pondered on the words of this poem. The artwork creates a vision of scene and compliments this poem.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Thank you, harmony13, for your review. I am glad that you found this haiku suite to be "sad, descriptive and creative."
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Andre :)
I will be posting the challenges as I was nominated club manager by the members. Dean Kuch, besides being the number one poet on fanstory and my best friend, is one of my student and one of our top recruiters. He recruits fine members as yourself. May Divine Love bless him and his troupe of ghouls. I am not surprised you thought Mr. Kuch runs the show. LOL Nah, neither do I.
Okay, let us see what we have...
#1
burning warehouse traps
revelers inside brick walls
crematorium
traditional haiku with the exact 5/7/5 x 3 lines
kigo is winter (fire is the season word for winter)
The satori made me think of the holocaust and the Orlando shootings but I know it was inspired by the horrible memories of the Ghost Ship Warehouse tragedy. The juxtaposition with the phrase (line one and two) is the horror of facing death by fire.
==========================================
#2
sun shines hot above
cold warehouse where people burned
cemetery chills
traditional haiku
kigo is winter (cold and chills) or summer (hot sun)
I feel the chills that come from cold temperature or from emotional exposure.
==========
#3
after winter rains
smoke's stench remains around pyre
do I smell cremains?
traditional human haiku
kigo= winter rain
I can't even imagine how horrible the smell of burned humnan remains is ... I don't want to know.
The metaphor of only memories remain and the word cremains or human ashes vessel is poignant and clever. Interesting contrast of rain and fire. or water and fire 2 of the four natural elements.
==============================
#4
glimpsed through blasted door
charred Shiva carving rules wreck
destroy and create
traditional haiku rules apply
kigo is fire=winter
kigo poinsettas=xmas=winter
metaphors= Shiva is the Hindu goddess of creation and destruction in a juxtaposition of the destruction of lives and building construction... the vision of blasting through the doors and seeing the devastation and horror of a scene of the crime.
=================
#5
sputtering candles
crowd sidewalk memorial
lives extinguished, lost
the concrete image of sputtering candles at a memorial are amazing ... I can almost see it and hear it. In haiku, the more human senses you can touch the better.
====================
#6
left near burnt ruins
flaming red poinsettias
Christmas without friend
a lonely vision of the loneliness and abandonment. I get it. I have felt those emotions around the holidays when most people are loved and cherished by family and friends. When those are not around, it's normal to feel those emotions. Children grow up and leave home, relationships end ... all that jazz
Andre, your sensibility to human haiku is amazing and it makes me feel proud of you even if we don't know each other. You could be my son.
I am so happy that you joined our haiku club. :)
gypsy buddha blessings
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Hello, Andre :)
I will be posting the challenges as I was nominated club manager by the members. Dean Kuch, besides being the number one poet on fanstory and my best friend, is one of my student and one of our top recruiters. He recruits fine members as yourself. May Divine Love bless him and his troupe of ghouls. I am not surprised you thought Mr. Kuch runs the show. LOL Nah, neither do I.
Okay, let us see what we have...
#1
burning warehouse traps
revelers inside brick walls
crematorium
traditional haiku with the exact 5/7/5 x 3 lines
kigo is winter (fire is the season word for winter)
The satori made me think of the holocaust and the Orlando shootings but I know it was inspired by the horrible memories of the Ghost Ship Warehouse tragedy. The juxtaposition with the phrase (line one and two) is the horror of facing death by fire.
==========================================
#2
sun shines hot above
cold warehouse where people burned
cemetery chills
traditional haiku
kigo is winter (cold and chills) or summer (hot sun)
I feel the chills that come from cold temperature or from emotional exposure.
==========
#3
after winter rains
smoke's stench remains around pyre
do I smell cremains?
traditional human haiku
kigo= winter rain
I can't even imagine how horrible the smell of burned humnan remains is ... I don't want to know.
The metaphor of only memories remain and the word cremains or human ashes vessel is poignant and clever. Interesting contrast of rain and fire. or water and fire 2 of the four natural elements.
==============================
#4
glimpsed through blasted door
charred Shiva carving rules wreck
destroy and create
traditional haiku rules apply
kigo is fire=winter
kigo poinsettas=xmas=winter
metaphors= Shiva is the Hindu goddess of creation and destruction in a juxtaposition of the destruction of lives and building construction... the vision of blasting through the doors and seeing the devastation and horror of a scene of the crime.
=================
#5
sputtering candles
crowd sidewalk memorial
lives extinguished, lost
the concrete image of sputtering candles at a memorial are amazing ... I can almost see it and hear it. In haiku, the more human senses you can touch the better.
====================
#6
left near burnt ruins
flaming red poinsettias
Christmas without friend
a lonely vision of the loneliness and abandonment. I get it. I have felt those emotions around the holidays when most people are loved and cherished by family and friends. When those are not around, it's normal to feel those emotions. Children grow up and leave home, relationships end ... all that jazz
Andre, your sensibility to human haiku is amazing and it makes me feel proud of you even if we don't know each other. You could be my son.
I am so happy that you joined our haiku club. :)
gypsy buddha blessings
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2016
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Yes, Gypsy, I thought of the Holocaust in my first haiku. I had a Jewish aunt. When she arrived at Auschwitz, it snowed ashes from the ovens. She wrote her story down and filmed an interview for Steven Spielberg's Shiloh project. Yes, many people are calling the Ghost Ship Oakland's "Orlando."
Yes, being in a place where three dozen burned to death and inhaling the smokey air which still contained their ashes and atoms haunted me. I could not get it out of my mind or the smell from my nostrils.
Thank you, Gypsy, for your thorough, informative review of my haiku suite and your praise of my "sensibility to human haiku is amazing and it makes me feel proud of you even if we don't know each other." Thank you also for managing the Haiku club and teaching classes. You inspire me. I did not know I was capable of writing such haiku. I look forward to writing and sharing more. Thank you for your generous, six star review, analysis, and encouragement.
Comment from WriteSins!
Excellent work! I like how these simple, yet powerful poems were call backs to your "Ghost Ship" poem. Each poem was strong and held so much in it, despite how minimal they were. Keep up the fantastic work!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Excellent work! I like how these simple, yet powerful poems were call backs to your "Ghost Ship" poem. Each poem was strong and held so much in it, despite how minimal they were. Keep up the fantastic work!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Yes, the haiku called back to my "Ghost Ship" poem. I am glad you found this to be excellent work. I will "Keep up the fantastic work!" Thank you for your review.
