Comment from Dustybones

Excellent

You must go to a nice beach. My beach is a seaside motel beach. Anything goes on there at anytome of the day. The beach is for everyone, as long as you have beach badge.

 Comment Written 08-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

This was in Italy a long time ago. Times have changed big time. Thank you for your rating and comments.

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

There are two contests, one called dribble and one called drabble. One is 50 words and one is 100. This would have been excellent for the one and it would have been a strong entry.

The, like a paper orange------something wrong
Paragraph five you are mixing your past and present but a few adjustments will fix that
You seem to be mixing 'I' and 'she'
Some places you can use 'not only, but also'
Some sentences need readjusted to make them easier to read.

 Comment Written 04-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

Ignore this unfinished work!

Comment from lancellot

Good

Hmm, I do not want to appear as if I know everything about writing. I don't. But I do believe that for a story this is lacking some basic elements. Now, I'm not saying a two is impossible, I think Twain did it with one line.

I would really advise adding more content to this.

Also you subheading says this is autobiographical, but you aren't in this, and it is labelled as General fiction.


update:

Suggest more showing and character interaction with the reader.

 Comment Written 04-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

I have withdrawn it for now

reply by lancellot on 04-Dec-2016

I will re-review it when you repost it.

reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016

Thanks, I appreciate it CO