Truth and Fantasy
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The Race"Short stories
11 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs helps to ease the read for the reviewer. A lot of people will also skip over large blocks of unbroken text. It's not so important in a relatively short piece like this but is a good habit to get into. Also a good idea to do likewise for dialogue as well.
Initially there is some good tension in this piece and the pace of the race works well... up until the end.
back of the group,but his determination - need a space after the comma.
The Excite-ment built up inside him - excitement.
Be careful of overusing adverbs. these are indicative of telling over showing and can display weak verb choice.
Brett deftly manipulated the gear shift to increase speed. - using the accelerator would give better results... LOL
he looked challenging at the driver - challengingly.
He looked up, and meekly said "Yes, Miss Williams " - He looked up, and meekly said, "Yes, Miss Williams."
Awful ending. there is nothing guaranteed more to make a read groan and feel cheated than a dream / daydream ending. There is no pay off for the reader.
All the best
GMG
the back of the group,but his determination - space needed after the comma.
The Excite-ment built up inside him- excitement, no hyphen.
Be careful with your adverbs usage. They tend to come in clumps which makes them stand out and can expose a weakness in verb choice.
I noticed you used 'was' a fair bit throughout this piece. Writing around this can make the writing more direct and immersive for the reader.
certainly not this time THIS race was going to be his. - need some form of punctuation following time.
As he raced along he looked challenging at the driver next to him- grammatically it should be challengingly here.
the final bend.He was coming up - space needed following the full stop / period.
He looked up, and meekly said "Yes, Miss Williams " - need punctuation after the tag and before the closing speech marks here.
The ending sadly is something of a cliché. The daydream or dream ending has been very overplayed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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Hi there,
It may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs helps to ease the read for the reviewer. A lot of people will also skip over large blocks of unbroken text. It's not so important in a relatively short piece like this but is a good habit to get into. Also a good idea to do likewise for dialogue as well.
Initially there is some good tension in this piece and the pace of the race works well... up until the end.
back of the group,but his determination - need a space after the comma.
The Excite-ment built up inside him - excitement.
Be careful of overusing adverbs. these are indicative of telling over showing and can display weak verb choice.
Brett deftly manipulated the gear shift to increase speed. - using the accelerator would give better results... LOL
he looked challenging at the driver - challengingly.
He looked up, and meekly said "Yes, Miss Williams " - He looked up, and meekly said, "Yes, Miss Williams."
Awful ending. there is nothing guaranteed more to make a read groan and feel cheated than a dream / daydream ending. There is no pay off for the reader.
All the best
GMG
the back of the group,but his determination - space needed after the comma.
The Excite-ment built up inside him- excitement, no hyphen.
Be careful with your adverbs usage. They tend to come in clumps which makes them stand out and can expose a weakness in verb choice.
I noticed you used 'was' a fair bit throughout this piece. Writing around this can make the writing more direct and immersive for the reader.
certainly not this time THIS race was going to be his. - need some form of punctuation following time.
As he raced along he looked challenging at the driver next to him- grammatically it should be challengingly here.
the final bend.He was coming up - space needed following the full stop / period.
He looked up, and meekly said "Yes, Miss Williams " - need punctuation after the tag and before the closing speech marks here.
The ending sadly is something of a cliché. The daydream or dream ending has been very overplayed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
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Thanks for your help. This was a tester from 34 years ago. It gives me a good place to compare future attempts. I thought everyone knew Walter Mitty 's fantasy world - mistake # 2 ! I appreciate the amount of time you invested in my weak work. If it's applicable to your religion Happy Thanksgiving..
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Oh I am familiar with Walter Mitty, it's just that the whole daydreaming scenarios thing has been done so much now.
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So 34 years ago it was in vogue, now it's passé. Gotcha LOL
