Truth and Fantasy
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The Race"Short stories
11 total reviews
Comment from Gail Denham
I do remember Walter Mitty - oh right - he was in another world part of the time. Good job - I saw you racing for sur e- and obviously Brent felt he was doing so.
good job.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
  |
I do remember Walter Mitty - oh right - he was in another world part of the time. Good job - I saw you racing for sur e- and obviously Brent felt he was doing so.
good job.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m glad you enjoyed The Race, thanks for your kind review.
Hugs, Trisha
Comment from Rikki66
He was just about to win by the nose of his car. I have been there and done that, though it has been many years. A good story that kept me intrigued until the end.
Rikki
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
|
He was just about to win by the nose of his car. I have been there and done that, though it has been many years. A good story that kept me intrigued until the end.
Rikki
Comment Written 05-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m glad you enjoyed reading my story. Thank you for your supportive review
Hugs, Trisha
-
You are most sincerely welcome.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written short story about day-dreaming in class. The race was on and at the very last minute poor Brett was brought back to class by Miss Williams to remind him it was just a dream.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
|
A very well-written short story about day-dreaming in class. The race was on and at the very last minute poor Brett was brought back to class by Miss Williams to remind him it was just a dream.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m glad you enjoyed reading my story. Thank you for your supportive review
Hugs, Trisha
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
He he he, you made me smile with this sweet write about a young boy daydreaming about racing in his car and your words here drew me in and I was not expecting the ending, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
|
He he he, you made me smile with this sweet write about a young boy daydreaming about racing in his car and your words here drew me in and I was not expecting the ending, love Dolly x
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m glad you enjoyed reading my short story. Thank you for your supportive review
Hugs, Trisha
Comment from Michele Harber
This heart-racing story had me completely fooled, which made the surprise ending absolutely delightful. I was very impressed by the amount of detail you used in describing the race, from air "laden with the smell of fuel" to "the heat shimmering off the track." It is this degree of detail that made your story so believable and, consequently, the ending such a surprise.
As proofreading is a specialty of mine, I do want to make a few proofing comments, to help make an excellent story even better. The first might not even be your fault, but the story would benefit from spaces between paragraphs, to make it easier to read and more visually appealing. I suspect that your original had these but, as I've discovered myself, codes don't always carry over, so your ultimate cut and paste may differ from the original. Also (and this too might be a computer glitch), the word "excitement," which was the second word in a sentence, showed up as "Excite-ment."
The phrase "as if he was willing," should read "as if he were willing," as the use of "if" throws it into the subjunctive tense.
You forgot the period (or semicolon) after "certainly not this time."
You could benefit from adding a few more strategically-placed commas, for the purpose of pause or clarity. The example that most caught my attention was, "everything was worth the discomfort he promised himself." Without a comma after "discomfort," it suggests that all he promised himself was discomfort. With the comma, it indicates that he promised himself that everything would be worth said discomfort.
Finally, you need to be careful of consistency in spacing. I noticed one place where you had a space before a comma, and a few where you didn't leave a space after a period.
I don't normally include a thorough proofing in a review, but your story is so enjoyable that I hate to see it marred by a few easily-corrected proofing points.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
|
This heart-racing story had me completely fooled, which made the surprise ending absolutely delightful. I was very impressed by the amount of detail you used in describing the race, from air "laden with the smell of fuel" to "the heat shimmering off the track." It is this degree of detail that made your story so believable and, consequently, the ending such a surprise.
As proofreading is a specialty of mine, I do want to make a few proofing comments, to help make an excellent story even better. The first might not even be your fault, but the story would benefit from spaces between paragraphs, to make it easier to read and more visually appealing. I suspect that your original had these but, as I've discovered myself, codes don't always carry over, so your ultimate cut and paste may differ from the original. Also (and this too might be a computer glitch), the word "excitement," which was the second word in a sentence, showed up as "Excite-ment."
The phrase "as if he was willing," should read "as if he were willing," as the use of "if" throws it into the subjunctive tense.
You forgot the period (or semicolon) after "certainly not this time."
You could benefit from adding a few more strategically-placed commas, for the purpose of pause or clarity. The example that most caught my attention was, "everything was worth the discomfort he promised himself." Without a comma after "discomfort," it suggests that all he promised himself was discomfort. With the comma, it indicates that he promised himself that everything would be worth said discomfort.
Finally, you need to be careful of consistency in spacing. I noticed one place where you had a space before a comma, and a few where you didn't leave a space after a period.
I don't normally include a thorough proofing in a review, but your story is so enjoyable that I hate to see it marred by a few easily-corrected proofing points.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
-
Thanks, this story was written forty years ago. Im truly amazed at your time spent proofreading. That must have taken almost as long as my story took.I do not even have a Reviewer of the Month vote to award you.
Hugs, Trisha
-
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Trisha. It's more meaningful than a Reviewer of the Month vote. Proofreading was a major part of the job I held for 27 years, so it's just second nature to me. I've also proofed/edited a couple of books before they were sent to publishers, so I'm always happy to share that skill/knowledge with my friends on FanStory.
Comment from damommy
This is just like a little boy's imagination. My youngest son was just like that. His imagination was very vivid. You caught that very well.
However, it would be easier to read with some spaces between paragraphs.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
|
This is just like a little boy's imagination. My youngest son was just like that. His imagination was very vivid. You caught that very well.
However, it would be easier to read with some spaces between paragraphs.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m glad you enjoyed reading my story. Thank you for your supportive review
I?ll consider your suggestion
Hugs, Trisha
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a very well-written, interesting, suspenseful story. Your great description, word choice paints a vivid picture in the reader's mind. Makes them want to read on. What a twist at the end to find out that everything we've been reading is a daydream. The art work is perfect for this poem. Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
 |
This is a very well-written, interesting, suspenseful story. Your great description, word choice paints a vivid picture in the reader's mind. Makes them want to read on. What a twist at the end to find out that everything we've been reading is a daydream. The art work is perfect for this poem. Great job.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m glad you enjoyed reading my poem. Thank you for your supportive review and six stars
Hugs, Trisha
Comment from Bill Pinder
Excellent writing! I would give you six stars if I had it. Yes I remember Walter Mitty, and this is a very good Mitty-like story. Thanks for sharing this! You had me right there in the racecar on the last lap.
Bill
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
|
Excellent writing! I would give you six stars if I had it. Yes I remember Walter Mitty, and this is a very good Mitty-like story. Thanks for sharing this! You had me right there in the racecar on the last lap.
Bill
Comment Written 04-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
-
I?m happy you enjoyed reading The Race. I appreciate your kind review,
Hugs, Trisha
Bill, its not the stars which matter most to me. It?s reader enjoyment that is the real honor. Thanks anyway
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
LOL oh my goodness what a story, I loved it from start to finish, you had me till the last paragraph.
Very well written
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
|
LOL oh my goodness what a story, I loved it from start to finish, you had me till the last paragraph.
Very well written
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
-
What a lovely review! The reaction you had was my goal. They used to call it Walter Mitty fantasy, but now its ADD or ADHD LOL. Thanks Barb.
Comment from entropic
Yes! I love Walter Mitty, one of my favourites. You really captured the dreamlike state, as well as the sudden snap to reality. Just some SPAG:
The different parentheses mean:
[ ] - to be removed
( ) - to be added
group,but
window.The [Excite-ment] (excitement)
claim.That
fame -certainly
bend.He
(the above need spaces after the punctuation marks.)
The heat built up and his clothes felt sticky but everything was worth the discomfort(,) he promised himself.
Gliding into second place(,) [made] the trees seemed to fly by[,] and (the) race fans' faces melted into a blur.
not this time(,) THIS race was going to be his.
As he raced along he looked challenging(ly) at the driver next to him - his only real rival.
Perhaps you could have added a bit more suspense around the beginning of the race. "Suddenly, the race began" is too sudden a change for something the character is waiting for. Maybe add in Brett's reactions as the lights change, just to draw it out a bit more, make the reader as excited for the start of the race as Brett.
________________________________________________
It was a very hot, humid day, and the air was laden with the smell of fuel.
(Really liked this line, sets the scene, allows the reader to imagine much more than an image.)
This was an enjoyable read, loved the parallels with Walter Mitty. I look forward to seeing your future works!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
|
Yes! I love Walter Mitty, one of my favourites. You really captured the dreamlike state, as well as the sudden snap to reality. Just some SPAG:
The different parentheses mean:
[ ] - to be removed
( ) - to be added
group,but
window.The [Excite-ment] (excitement)
claim.That
fame -certainly
bend.He
(the above need spaces after the punctuation marks.)
The heat built up and his clothes felt sticky but everything was worth the discomfort(,) he promised himself.
Gliding into second place(,) [made] the trees seemed to fly by[,] and (the) race fans' faces melted into a blur.
not this time(,) THIS race was going to be his.
As he raced along he looked challenging(ly) at the driver next to him - his only real rival.
Perhaps you could have added a bit more suspense around the beginning of the race. "Suddenly, the race began" is too sudden a change for something the character is waiting for. Maybe add in Brett's reactions as the lights change, just to draw it out a bit more, make the reader as excited for the start of the race as Brett.
________________________________________________
It was a very hot, humid day, and the air was laden with the smell of fuel.
(Really liked this line, sets the scene, allows the reader to imagine much more than an image.)
This was an enjoyable read, loved the parallels with Walter Mitty. I look forward to seeing your future works!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
-
Thanks for your indepth review. I really appreciate the time you took. This was a forgotten story from my efforts 34 years ago. So now I can compare with future efforts.
