A Bus Ride To Decide
Prose Potlatch 11/610 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
Any autobiography in this? My wife left her home in Georgia to join me in Italy in November of 1966. She was sixteen. Bet that was a story. Excellent prose for the challenge.
reply by the author on 23-May-2021
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Any autobiography in this? My wife left her home in Georgia to join me in Italy in November of 1966. She was sixteen. Bet that was a story. Excellent prose for the challenge.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2021
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Although this young woman wants to go on the 8 hour bus ride to see her boyfriend through your words we get the sense that she is also a bit anxious, a bit nervous of the trip. Good descriptions through this Allison, nicely done.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 23-May-2021
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Although this young woman wants to go on the 8 hour bus ride to see her boyfriend through your words we get the sense that she is also a bit anxious, a bit nervous of the trip. Good descriptions through this Allison, nicely done.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 16-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2021
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Thank you so much!
Comment from sandragee
I like the images you invoke in this story about the character's state of mind. It shows her anxiety as she prepares to visit Alex eight hours away. She packs and repacks. Her t-shirt clings to her back in a cool 62 degrees temperature. She presses her feet to the floorboard of the car, subconsciously willing her mother to slow down. I especially like the ending. She doesn't give in to her anxiety. She takes the bus. Well done.
A suggestion:
"You don't have to go(,)" Mom said.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I like the images you invoke in this story about the character's state of mind. It shows her anxiety as she prepares to visit Alex eight hours away. She packs and repacks. Her t-shirt clings to her back in a cool 62 degrees temperature. She presses her feet to the floorboard of the car, subconsciously willing her mother to slow down. I especially like the ending. She doesn't give in to her anxiety. She takes the bus. Well done.
A suggestion:
"You don't have to go(,)" Mom said.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for the review and suggestion, I'm glad you liked it!
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Alison, this has such underlying emotion, the anxiety and uncertainty of the protaganist is defeaning at times. Solid use of imagery, and emotion to tell the tale.
Overall this keeps me reading, and wondering how she will do. I find the ending much like a beginning...
Well done overall.
Thanks for sharing.
m
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Dear Alison, this has such underlying emotion, the anxiety and uncertainty of the protaganist is defeaning at times. Solid use of imagery, and emotion to tell the tale.
Overall this keeps me reading, and wondering how she will do. I find the ending much like a beginning...
Well done overall.
Thanks for sharing.
m
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much, I'm so glad you were able to tell the emotion!
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed your story of the trepidation of a young girl's journey. I think you highlighted the emotion.
I found a few technical aspects I'd like to discuss with you. Please consider the following.
I packed and repacked my small bag, I wouldn't be staying long, just long enough to know, if what we had was worth saving.--You have a run-on sentence. Suggest placing a a period after 'bag' this will eliminate the run-on. Also, in the second sentence, your use of offsetting commas confuses the meaning of the sentence. Suggest a deletion of the comma after know.
"You're too young for stuff like this, but you've been miserable these past two months." she said, with her brow furrowed. --You have a speech tag. The period at the end of the sentence needs to be a comma. Also, suggest the deletion of the comma after said. You would use a the comma there if you had another action happening.
It was a cool 62 degrees, however my stomach was in knots and my navy blue fitted t-shirt clung to my back. --You have three complete sentences. Suggest a period after degrees. Capitalize However, and place a comma. Place a comma after knots. The comma before a coordinating conjunction joins two complete sentences.
The bus was already there, and I imagined it going off without me, and thought I could be okay with that.--Suggest the deletion of the comma after me. The third part is not a complete sentence. I imagined and thought.
"It looks like there's already a full bus waiting for you." she said. --Speech tag. Same as above. Comma after you.
My Mom grabbed my face with both hands, and kissed my forehead.--No comma after hands.
"You don't have to go." my Mom said. --Comma after go. I would eliminate my because we already know it's your mom.
"I do." I said, as I got out of the car, and climbed into the bus. --Comma after do. Suggest deletion of comma after said and car.
I hope this is helpful to you. Overall, good story with emotion. Keep it up!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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I enjoyed your story of the trepidation of a young girl's journey. I think you highlighted the emotion.
I found a few technical aspects I'd like to discuss with you. Please consider the following.
I packed and repacked my small bag, I wouldn't be staying long, just long enough to know, if what we had was worth saving.--You have a run-on sentence. Suggest placing a a period after 'bag' this will eliminate the run-on. Also, in the second sentence, your use of offsetting commas confuses the meaning of the sentence. Suggest a deletion of the comma after know.
"You're too young for stuff like this, but you've been miserable these past two months." she said, with her brow furrowed. --You have a speech tag. The period at the end of the sentence needs to be a comma. Also, suggest the deletion of the comma after said. You would use a the comma there if you had another action happening.
It was a cool 62 degrees, however my stomach was in knots and my navy blue fitted t-shirt clung to my back. --You have three complete sentences. Suggest a period after degrees. Capitalize However, and place a comma. Place a comma after knots. The comma before a coordinating conjunction joins two complete sentences.
The bus was already there, and I imagined it going off without me, and thought I could be okay with that.--Suggest the deletion of the comma after me. The third part is not a complete sentence. I imagined and thought.
"It looks like there's already a full bus waiting for you." she said. --Speech tag. Same as above. Comma after you.
My Mom grabbed my face with both hands, and kissed my forehead.--No comma after hands.
"You don't have to go." my Mom said. --Comma after go. I would eliminate my because we already know it's your mom.
"I do." I said, as I got out of the car, and climbed into the bus. --Comma after do. Suggest deletion of comma after said and car.
I hope this is helpful to you. Overall, good story with emotion. Keep it up!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for all the suggestions, I really appreciate all the help!
Comment from Dustybones
Hello, your writing is also vivid. I wonder if this is in fact fiction? What emotion did you want to depict? I have to guess that your emotional feeling were Responsible and Uncomfortable.
When I think of emotions there are many, yet they boil down to a few, Happy, Sad, Angry and other. Responsible and Uncomfortable would be other.
Thanks for sharing Boyd
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Hello, your writing is also vivid. I wonder if this is in fact fiction? What emotion did you want to depict? I have to guess that your emotional feeling were Responsible and Uncomfortable.
When I think of emotions there are many, yet they boil down to a few, Happy, Sad, Angry and other. Responsible and Uncomfortable would be other.
Thanks for sharing Boyd
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for your review! Uncomfortable, definitely, also anxious. It is fiction but my parents did move me away when I was 18, I just didn't go back!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I got a sense of apprehension and uncertainty from the protagonist in this piece. Nicely written emotion.
"Are you ready?" She asked. / these past two months." She said - following speech tags, if part of the same sentence should be lower case, not capitalised.
It looks like there's already a full bus waiting for you." She said. - she said.
"You don't have to go." My Mom said. - my.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Hi there,
I got a sense of apprehension and uncertainty from the protagonist in this piece. Nicely written emotion.
"Are you ready?" She asked. / these past two months." She said - following speech tags, if part of the same sentence should be lower case, not capitalised.
It looks like there's already a full bus waiting for you." She said. - she said.
"You don't have to go." My Mom said. - my.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much pointing that out, I'm quite rusty on my punctuation! I'm glad I as able to show the emotion, thank you so much for the review!
Comment from damommy
I can feel your trepidation all through this story.
I see it's fiction. I'm glad. I didn't look until I'd read the story, and I was feeling sorry for you. LOL.
You made this so real, and I enjoyed reading it. 8-)
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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I can feel your trepidation all through this story.
I see it's fiction. I'm glad. I didn't look until I'd read the story, and I was feeling sorry for you. LOL.
You made this so real, and I enjoyed reading it. 8-)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Yes, it's fiction! Thank you for such a nice review!
Comment from Dollie Mason
Interesting reading kept my attention. you missed a few commas other then that I think it is well written and I look forward to reading your work in the future. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Interesting reading kept my attention. you missed a few commas other then that I think it is well written and I look forward to reading your work in the future. Keep writing.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for your review, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, now or in the future, thanks again!
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
brow furrowed- leave off ed of browed
Nicely written and I would say possibly a feeling of anticipation?
Some punctuation problems but a great read.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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brow furrowed- leave off ed of browed
Nicely written and I would say possibly a feeling of anticipation?
Some punctuation problems but a great read.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you for catching that! Anticipation and nervousness. I haven't written any prose for quite some time, I need to work on punctuation, thank you so much for the review!
