Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter One part Eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
40 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, great first chapter to your new book. Hmm, being followed by three men in dark suits and then jump into a car with a stranger in New York city? A bit risky, but of course maybe more risky to me caught by the men. Great action in this chapter. Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Hi Barbara, great first chapter to your new book. Hmm, being followed by three men in dark suits and then jump into a car with a stranger in New York city? A bit risky, but of course maybe more risky to me caught by the men. Great action in this chapter. Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from barkingdog
When you're in a strange city, disorientated, and frightened, being followed by three ominous-looking men, always hop in the nearest Jag convertible driven by a well-dressed man. (That's what MY mother taught me. haha)
Fantastic beginning, Barbara.
Immediate suspense and excellent introduction of your protagonist.
:) e
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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When you're in a strange city, disorientated, and frightened, being followed by three ominous-looking men, always hop in the nearest Jag convertible driven by a well-dressed man. (That's what MY mother taught me. haha)
Fantastic beginning, Barbara.
Immediate suspense and excellent introduction of your protagonist.
:) e
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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LOL, I enjoyed your review.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Danger is fast approaching "Shana" as she witnesses three men rapidly racing for the vehicle she is in, and the driver is ogling over her instead of paying attention to his driving responsibilities. Is it possible he is in cahoots with them?
Interesting storyline and premise.
Good characterizations used throughout the telling of this story.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Danger is fast approaching "Shana" as she witnesses three men rapidly racing for the vehicle she is in, and the driver is ogling over her instead of paying attention to his driving responsibilities. Is it possible he is in cahoots with them?
Interesting storyline and premise.
Good characterizations used throughout the telling of this story.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
A good introduction to this story. I like the mechaniasms for description you've used in the early sections with the direct autobiographical characterisation with the internal though revealing Shana's attributes.
Near the end, you swop into italics not just for thought but for the text narrative as well.
Risky move on Shana's part and a great place to end.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Hi Barbara,
A good introduction to this story. I like the mechaniasms for description you've used in the early sections with the direct autobiographical characterisation with the internal though revealing Shana's attributes.
Near the end, you swop into italics not just for thought but for the text narrative as well.
Risky move on Shana's part and a great place to end.
All the best
G
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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I will double check the ending. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Heidi M
Nice job of getting into the action right away. Is it okay she just jumped into the car of a stranger? I know she said he looks nice, but could he be more of a danger to her than the guys in suits and sunglasses? Also, did she eat the brownie? I'm a chocoholic so I need to know what happened to that brownie! (LOL)
Do you mean past(r)ies? When I read pasties, I see a burlesque show.
I think you have a great start and I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Nice job of getting into the action right away. Is it okay she just jumped into the car of a stranger? I know she said he looks nice, but could he be more of a danger to her than the guys in suits and sunglasses? Also, did she eat the brownie? I'm a chocoholic so I need to know what happened to that brownie! (LOL)
Do you mean past(r)ies? When I read pasties, I see a burlesque show.
I think you have a great start and I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I really don't know about the brownie. Maybe the waitress ate it. LOL
Comment from rama devi
Compelling first chapter. Drew me in. Great closing hook (your forte!) Interesting character. Well paced narrative. good descriptive detail. Good tension too.
NOTES
Excellent opening, setting the scene and drawing the right directly into your character's POV via internal dialog. As a native New Yorker, I can visualize the scene perfectly.
This is a good descriptive detail, as New Yorkers often use windows as mirrors:
Looking at her reflection in the window, she straightened her ivory, knit, bolero shrug and adjusted the shoulder strap of her purse.
*
As she continued walking, she noticed three men in black suits and wearing sunglasses watching her.
Optimal to avoid repeating the pronoun she unnecessarily. Consider revising. Also, consider trimming out WEARING as it is implied without being said. Example edit:
Continuing down the sidewalk, she noticed three men in black suits and sunglasses watching her.
*
Moments later(,) she came to a coffee shop with outdoor tables. She found a vacant table, sat, and laid the satchel across her lap before,(NO ,) reading the menu.
* I recommend our past(r)ies.
"No thank you. A small coffee will be fine." Shana removed her cell from her small clutch purse and tapped her brother's name. "Hi Aaron. I'm checking in." She smiled, twisted a strand of her dark brown hair with her finger, and listened. "Yes, everything went well. We'll talk when I get home. I'll be in late tomorrow afternoon. Be sure to tell Mom and Dad." After saying good bye, she put her cell away adjusting her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high.
*
Shana noticed the same three men standing inside the shop(,) studying her through a window.
WARMLY,
rd
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Compelling first chapter. Drew me in. Great closing hook (your forte!) Interesting character. Well paced narrative. good descriptive detail. Good tension too.
NOTES
Excellent opening, setting the scene and drawing the right directly into your character's POV via internal dialog. As a native New Yorker, I can visualize the scene perfectly.
This is a good descriptive detail, as New Yorkers often use windows as mirrors:
Looking at her reflection in the window, she straightened her ivory, knit, bolero shrug and adjusted the shoulder strap of her purse.
*
As she continued walking, she noticed three men in black suits and wearing sunglasses watching her.
Optimal to avoid repeating the pronoun she unnecessarily. Consider revising. Also, consider trimming out WEARING as it is implied without being said. Example edit:
Continuing down the sidewalk, she noticed three men in black suits and sunglasses watching her.
*
Moments later(,) she came to a coffee shop with outdoor tables. She found a vacant table, sat, and laid the satchel across her lap before,(NO ,) reading the menu.
* I recommend our past(r)ies.
"No thank you. A small coffee will be fine." Shana removed her cell from her small clutch purse and tapped her brother's name. "Hi Aaron. I'm checking in." She smiled, twisted a strand of her dark brown hair with her finger, and listened. "Yes, everything went well. We'll talk when I get home. I'll be in late tomorrow afternoon. Be sure to tell Mom and Dad." After saying good bye, she put her cell away adjusting her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high.
*
Shana noticed the same three men standing inside the shop(,) studying her through a window.
WARMLY,
rd
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I have made the corrections. I had to laugh at you adding commas. One reviewer told me I had way too many commas. Thank you for the help.
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Some commas are optional and there are different schools of thought depending on which country you're in. After time passage, like saying 'Some time later,' they are needed. But before a gerund, they are sometimes optional. A good way to choose whether to use or not with gerunds is to read it aloud and note the flow as well as consider if the sentence can be potentially misread (in terms of subject and verb matches) without the comma.
Blessings, rd
Comment from Sankey
Before I start...Jax Franklin has warned me Grammarly is OFF on commas just in case you are using it to edit. I was most disappointed as I went through my whole autobiography using Grammarly. Grrr.
Now a great read but now some spags. across her lap(,) before[,] reading the menu.
Not sure about the next bit...a suggestion..... Star of David necklace[. I'm] (and) turned around.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Before I start...Jax Franklin has warned me Grammarly is OFF on commas just in case you are using it to edit. I was most disappointed as I went through my whole autobiography using Grammarly. Grrr.
Now a great read but now some spags. across her lap(,) before[,] reading the menu.
Not sure about the next bit...a suggestion..... Star of David necklace[. I'm] (and) turned around.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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I will check that area, Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Edgar Holtz
You have the start of intriguing and exciting story. You have introduced your main character, Shana, and thrown her into some sort of danger very early. This is a good way to hook your readers. Well done in that respect.
I do believe, however, the writing could use some deliberate editing. There are a few spags, which are easily fixed, but I also noticed quite a bit of stage direction and on-the-nose writing. On-the-nose writing is writing mimics real life but doesn't do anything to advance the story. The following is an example:
"After saying good bye, she put her cell away adjusting her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high."
Does any of this help advance the story? Good editing is ferocious editing, where we cut out anything that is important to the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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You have the start of intriguing and exciting story. You have introduced your main character, Shana, and thrown her into some sort of danger very early. This is a good way to hook your readers. Well done in that respect.
I do believe, however, the writing could use some deliberate editing. There are a few spags, which are easily fixed, but I also noticed quite a bit of stage direction and on-the-nose writing. On-the-nose writing is writing mimics real life but doesn't do anything to advance the story. The following is an example:
"After saying good bye, she put her cell away adjusting her skirt, making sure it didn't creep too high."
Does any of this help advance the story? Good editing is ferocious editing, where we cut out anything that is important to the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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The reason those 'stage directions' are in the story is because, reviewers complain, if they are not, stating they need more information about the characters. Thank you for the kind review and welcome to FS.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
What an exciting chapter! Shana is being followed closely by "men in black". What do they want? Guess we won't know for a while as Shana wisely joined a man in black Jaguar. Good choice of cars, girl!
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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What an exciting chapter! Shana is being followed closely by "men in black". What do they want? Guess we won't know for a while as Shana wisely joined a man in black Jaguar. Good choice of cars, girl!
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, Barbara, you did an excellent job writing this first chapter where we meet the heroine of the story and soon to be hero of the story as she pops into his car to get away from the men following her. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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this is an excellent write, Barbara, you did an excellent job writing this first chapter where we meet the heroine of the story and soon to be hero of the story as she pops into his car to get away from the men following her. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
