Favorite Short Stories, Vol. 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Forever Love"an eclectic fiction collection, old and new
20 total reviews
Comment from I am Cat
"We'll get a dog!"
Lol
*sniff sniff*
How lovely is this writing?
So poignant and wonderfully real.
I enjoyed it immensely and just had to tell you so.
Congratulations on your nomination my dear... I wish my hands could say more, but I think you know!
Mwah!
Beautifully written...
Cat
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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"We'll get a dog!"
Lol
*sniff sniff*
How lovely is this writing?
So poignant and wonderfully real.
I enjoyed it immensely and just had to tell you so.
Congratulations on your nomination my dear... I wish my hands could say more, but I think you know!
Mwah!
Beautifully written...
Cat
Comment Written 06-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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I do know, Cat, and I appreciate your review even more. Get this - you are the first one to even mention my nomination for SOM. Guess how many times in the past four years I've been nominated for POM or SOM, but I'm lucky I even get 15 reviews anymore. I've won a fair number of second place or even a couple first-place wins in site-sponsored contests too. I should keep a record of those, too, but I haven't...sigh...
Anyway, thanks a whole basket full of puppies. Sincerely appreciated. I rather like this story myself. *grin*
Comment from dmt1967
I don't usually read stories like this, hun, but I am glad I read this one. My heart melted and I got all gooey inside. (Don't tell anyone lol, after all, I got a reputation to keep lol.) Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I don't usually read stories like this, hun, but I am glad I read this one. My heart melted and I got all gooey inside. (Don't tell anyone lol, after all, I got a reputation to keep lol.) Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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LOL - promise. It'll be our little secret. :)) I'm overjoyed you liked this - I have included it in the new book of romance short stories that's being printed as I write this reply. "Love Forever", by Dawn Munro. I hear she makes folks get all gooey inside. :))
All kidding aside, I'm honored - thank you!
Comment from Ulla
Hi Dawn. This is such a beautiful story, and it brought tears to my eyes. Yes, unselfish love like this does exist. What a heartfelt write. Lovely. Makes me believe in the good of people. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Hi Dawn. This is such a beautiful story, and it brought tears to my eyes. Yes, unselfish love like this does exist. What a heartfelt write. Lovely. Makes me believe in the good of people. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
Comment from djsaxon
Really carefully crafted tragi- romance short. not a favorite genre but I dips me lid.
He would still want (for us) to be married.
(Julia's) Green eyes (be)sought an answer from her mother's hazel ones.
She took (Julia's) soft, youthful hands into her own time-worn ones.
DJ
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Really carefully crafted tragi- romance short. not a favorite genre but I dips me lid.
He would still want (for us) to be married.
(Julia's) Green eyes (be)sought an answer from her mother's hazel ones.
She took (Julia's) soft, youthful hands into her own time-worn ones.
DJ
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Dj, I am putting together a book of short stories in this genre, so you have to know how much I appreciate your suggestions - it's vitally important to me to get it right. How'd you like to read about 30-40,000 words for me? (LOL) All kidding aside, I can't afford an editor, so help like this is invaluable. I did have (be)sought, and I find (for us), while perfect grammar, a bit stiff for her - vernacular (Canadian, remember - LOL), but otherwise, the other two are a big improvement. (How'd you like to read about--oh, I asked that already...Hahahahaha!)
Bless you!
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You win, I'm in. 40.000 words is still a novella so my pensioner brain can deal with that LOL. Pm me with a link or whatever. DJ
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OH! Too late. Published and worldwide release by next week. But the next one? *HUGE grin* You are too kind!!!
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Dawn,
This is a great love story. The kind of everlasting love we all dream a bout. It grabbed my interest immediately and held all the way through. Her illness was a twist that I wasn't expecting. I thought she was pregnant and didn't want him to feel trapped into marriage. As always, this moves along well, the dialogue is believable, transitions are smooth, and narrative description provides vivid pictures in the mind's eye. Well done.
I did pick up on a few spags.
backing up until her legs were trapped by the seat back behind her. (The end of this sentence seems awkward. Perhaps if it just read 'trapped by the seat behind her.' ?)
managed somehow to push the words from rigid lips, "Good, that's great," he said flatly. (This seems redundant. You are identifying the speaker twice. I don't think you need the tag line, 'he said flatly.')
He'd tried for weeks after that night, {and} she'd refused to speak to him, to even accept his call. (I think this sentence could be made much stronger and have more of an impact if you changed the indicated {and} to the word 'but' and eliminate the last clause 'to even accept his call.' When you say she refused to speak to him, for me, that statement covers not accepting his calls.)
"Richard," she called after him[,] but he kept going. (You need a comma after 'him.')
"Richard," she called after him but he kept going. It was no use. From her reaction to his intended touch, he knew it was over, finally and completely over. (This paragraph was confusing for me. I think the way it started out is misleading. I thought it was going to be about Julia's feelings and thoughts. However, it turned out to be Richard's. Perhaps if you reworded slightly. Maybe rather than saying 'she called after him,' say something such as, 'He heard her call his name, but kept going.' That would eliminate the confusion.)
Joan was an old fashioned woman, and as much as she took pride in her only child's independence, she knew Richard Franklin deserved to hear why Julia had broken their engagement, and not some trumped up reason about not being ready for marriage, about needing independence so she could pursue her career as a cellist. (This whole paragraph is only one sentence. It needs to be broken up into two, probable three, sentences.)
When Jules first broke the awful news to them, when Joan and Dan Davis knew why their daughter suddenly began having walking difficulties and mood swings so unlike the sweet girl they'd raised, Joan had tried to persuade Julia not to break her engagement to the handsome lawyer. (Run-on sentence. This needs to be broken up into two, probably three, sentences.)
But God forgive her, even though her husband and daughter might never find it in their hearts to understand what she did, Richard Franklin deserved the chance to be with the woman he loved, and her daughter deserved as much happiness as possible before she died. (This whole paragraph is only one, run-on sentence. It needs to be broken up into several sentences.)
A Springer spaniel, two cats[,] and an aquarium of tropical fish made the Davis house a home[,] as far as Joan was concerned. (Need commas where indicated.)
"May I come in?" He was so handsome, his broad shoulders lightly dusted from the snow that had been falling all evening. He looked like he wasn't about to take no for an answer anyway.
"Of course, come in. I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting--" her voice trailed off as she studied his face. (There are two different speakers in this paragraph. I suspect just an editing mishap.)
He was so handsome{,} his broad shoulders lightly dusted from the snow that had been falling all evening. (Run-on sentence. Eliminate the indicated comma and replace it with either a period, a semi-colon, or the word and. I think making it two sentences would make it a stronger read.)
Richard pulled Julia over to the comfortable sofa and they sat together, Richard still clinging to her hand like it was a lifeline. (Run-on sentence.)
"I know you love me. You don't need to say it again. You never need to say it again. Just don't ever shut me out again. Promise me!" (You have the word 'again' three times in very close proximity. I understand you are trying to stress a point. Even though you can get away with a lot in dialogue, this doesn't read as though a well educated professional lawyer is speaking. Perhaps eliminate the last 'again.' I think it would be a much stronger sentence if it read, "Just don't ever shut me out.")
"But[,] I'll be an invalid," she wailed. (Add comma)
She smiled at him then, her nose red[,] and the tears still trickling. (Add comma)
This was an excellent piece, Dawn. I enjoyed reading it. It was a nice HEA ending.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Dawn,
This is a great love story. The kind of everlasting love we all dream a bout. It grabbed my interest immediately and held all the way through. Her illness was a twist that I wasn't expecting. I thought she was pregnant and didn't want him to feel trapped into marriage. As always, this moves along well, the dialogue is believable, transitions are smooth, and narrative description provides vivid pictures in the mind's eye. Well done.
I did pick up on a few spags.
backing up until her legs were trapped by the seat back behind her. (The end of this sentence seems awkward. Perhaps if it just read 'trapped by the seat behind her.' ?)
managed somehow to push the words from rigid lips, "Good, that's great," he said flatly. (This seems redundant. You are identifying the speaker twice. I don't think you need the tag line, 'he said flatly.')
He'd tried for weeks after that night, {and} she'd refused to speak to him, to even accept his call. (I think this sentence could be made much stronger and have more of an impact if you changed the indicated {and} to the word 'but' and eliminate the last clause 'to even accept his call.' When you say she refused to speak to him, for me, that statement covers not accepting his calls.)
"Richard," she called after him[,] but he kept going. (You need a comma after 'him.')
"Richard," she called after him but he kept going. It was no use. From her reaction to his intended touch, he knew it was over, finally and completely over. (This paragraph was confusing for me. I think the way it started out is misleading. I thought it was going to be about Julia's feelings and thoughts. However, it turned out to be Richard's. Perhaps if you reworded slightly. Maybe rather than saying 'she called after him,' say something such as, 'He heard her call his name, but kept going.' That would eliminate the confusion.)
Joan was an old fashioned woman, and as much as she took pride in her only child's independence, she knew Richard Franklin deserved to hear why Julia had broken their engagement, and not some trumped up reason about not being ready for marriage, about needing independence so she could pursue her career as a cellist. (This whole paragraph is only one sentence. It needs to be broken up into two, probable three, sentences.)
When Jules first broke the awful news to them, when Joan and Dan Davis knew why their daughter suddenly began having walking difficulties and mood swings so unlike the sweet girl they'd raised, Joan had tried to persuade Julia not to break her engagement to the handsome lawyer. (Run-on sentence. This needs to be broken up into two, probably three, sentences.)
But God forgive her, even though her husband and daughter might never find it in their hearts to understand what she did, Richard Franklin deserved the chance to be with the woman he loved, and her daughter deserved as much happiness as possible before she died. (This whole paragraph is only one, run-on sentence. It needs to be broken up into several sentences.)
A Springer spaniel, two cats[,] and an aquarium of tropical fish made the Davis house a home[,] as far as Joan was concerned. (Need commas where indicated.)
"May I come in?" He was so handsome, his broad shoulders lightly dusted from the snow that had been falling all evening. He looked like he wasn't about to take no for an answer anyway.
"Of course, come in. I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting--" her voice trailed off as she studied his face. (There are two different speakers in this paragraph. I suspect just an editing mishap.)
He was so handsome{,} his broad shoulders lightly dusted from the snow that had been falling all evening. (Run-on sentence. Eliminate the indicated comma and replace it with either a period, a semi-colon, or the word and. I think making it two sentences would make it a stronger read.)
Richard pulled Julia over to the comfortable sofa and they sat together, Richard still clinging to her hand like it was a lifeline. (Run-on sentence.)
"I know you love me. You don't need to say it again. You never need to say it again. Just don't ever shut me out again. Promise me!" (You have the word 'again' three times in very close proximity. I understand you are trying to stress a point. Even though you can get away with a lot in dialogue, this doesn't read as though a well educated professional lawyer is speaking. Perhaps eliminate the last 'again.' I think it would be a much stronger sentence if it read, "Just don't ever shut me out.")
"But[,] I'll be an invalid," she wailed. (Add comma)
She smiled at him then, her nose red[,] and the tears still trickling. (Add comma)
This was an excellent piece, Dawn. I enjoyed reading it. It was a nice HEA ending.
Suzanne
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2016
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Ah! Here's where the rubber meets the road (*grin*) - one of the reasons I detest the generalizations that make up some of the 'rules' on this site. "Do not defend your work" is SO tricky because it is extremely easy to misunderstand someone explaining why a suggestion made is incorrect; to interpret it as "defending one's work". Thankfully I've been here long enough that most members (and management) know I would never, ever attack someone - at least I think most do. *smile*
But when someone cares enough to go to all the trouble you have, it wouldn't be very gracious of me to let that person continue in the error of his or her ways...so...the following is not to defend my work, but to express my genuine appreciation for all the trouble you took in writing this review by explaining why I have not used your suggestions (or most of them):
A run-on, Suzanne, is a sentence in which two or more independent clauses (e.g. full sentences, or 'thoughts') are joined without an appropriate punctuation or conjunction. I think if you check back you will find such is not the case with the sentences you've singled out as run-ons.
As for commas - yep, the little buggers get way from me at times, but not too often anymore. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say I 'get in the zone' and occasionally miss something that I'll catch when editing.
But I did go back to check the document after reading your suggestions, and once again Evil Eddie messed up. I almost hate to say it because it sounds like I am fibbing to cover my own mistakes, but I'm not, and it's a heads up for you. Not everything uploads as it should here. I have commas where I believe they are needed, but not all appeared in this version.
Now, after saying all that, I do appreciate (and have used) one of your suggestions - "again" appearing in such close proximity. I have removed two. But do remember that dialogue has a lot to do with vernacular. I had him say it three times for emphasis, to illustrate how passionately he meant each word. But you're right - it seemed overdone when I read it again after reading your critique.
Suzanne, how we speak in intimate conversation is not necessarily how we would speak when making a public presentation or speech, "professional" or not. (The courtroom and I are closely acquainted, and I have made my fair share of public speeches and presentations - however, we write for authenticity, not to impress academics, don't we?)
Anyway, regarding the "well educated(,)professional" lawyer-speak - I guess that could equate to any well-educated professional, including someone who might enjoy creative writing in her retirement, yes?
I do thank you sincerely though - it's very kind of you to take so much time and trouble on another writer's behalf. I also hope my reply is received in the spirit with which it is intended. Your Eagle Eye is wanted! :))
Comment from frogbook
A very well written and emotional story. Told in a captivating manner and not unrealistic. Of course always good to see the happy ending the reader was hoping for.
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A very well written and emotional story. Told in a captivating manner and not unrealistic. Of course always good to see the happy ending the reader was hoping for.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Aw, That's a beautiful story Dawn. The love and longing the tenderness and desire is very evident. Emotions run high as the story unfolds. Very well done my friend and well deserving a six. Nancy
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Aw, That's a beautiful story Dawn. The love and longing the tenderness and desire is very evident. Emotions run high as the story unfolds. Very well done my friend and well deserving a six. Nancy
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
Comment from sandy montgomery
Brought tears to my eyes. Excellent story. Excellent charachter development. Excellent job in showing not telling. Just all around excellent. Thank you for sharing your work.
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Brought tears to my eyes. Excellent story. Excellent charachter development. Excellent job in showing not telling. Just all around excellent. Thank you for sharing your work.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
Comment from robyn corum
A wonderful story where love conquers all, just as it should. --sigh-- So what's the problem with the rest of the world? Don't they read romance novels? I don't get it. CATCH UP!
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A wonderful story where love conquers all, just as it should. --sigh-- So what's the problem with the rest of the world? Don't they read romance novels? I don't get it. CATCH UP!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
Comment from Sasha
This began as such a sad story but I want to thank you for bringing it to a happy conclusion. I now a such a person that ended the relationship with the love of her life and although she was not dying she didn't give him credit for being able to handle what she feared was something that would turn him away. Wonderful love story and with an ending that satisfied me completely. Great work with this one. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
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This began as such a sad story but I want to thank you for bringing it to a happy conclusion. I now a such a person that ended the relationship with the love of her life and although she was not dying she didn't give him credit for being able to handle what she feared was something that would turn him away. Wonderful love story and with an ending that satisfied me completely. Great work with this one. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
