Comment from Dustybones

Excellent

Such a sad poem on how loud, mean words will affect a small child. I hope that your poem might help someone think twice about not being so mean.

 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016

thank you Dusty bones. Sad but unfortunate

reply by Dustybones on 05-Nov-2016

I goggled the story. So sad to think he didn't make it when all signs looked as if there wasn't a problem.

Comment from HarryT

Good

I really like this poem, but it has several problems to my mind.
Suggestions:
1. I believe the little girl in the picture is a little young for the poem. Ten years old is mentioned in the poem.
2. Line 3 - delete good.
3. Not wanting to hear (as) the bad words (were) said. Delete as and were.
4. She pulls up the blanker. Did you mean blanket?
5. You have rhyming couplets but to my ear death and perfect do not rhyme. It stops the reader.
6. That is no way to prove (that) you're (you are) a man. Add that, delete you're and replace with you are to continue the beat.
7. Consider reworking: "Finally sleepy she closes her eyes/And morning comes slowly, a new day arrives." To Finally sleepy she closes her weepy eyes/Morning comes swiftly, a new day arrives. If the child is sleeping the times goes quickly unless she awakens periodically.
8. Rhyming problem, couplet doesn't work with knows and home.
9. "Escaping the (my) world in a fantasy scheme(s)." Delete the add my. Add s to schemes to go with dreams.
10. (Please, please,) Never get angry when I spill my milk. " Add please, please for better beat.








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 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016

Thank you so much for a very realistc and great reviw. It wen into darkness and

reply by HarryT on 05-Nov-2016

You are welcome.

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written story poem. It is so sad when parents are too strict with a child and have to belittle the child because of their own insecurities.

She pulls up the blanker(blanket) to hide all her fears.

 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016

Thank you so much , I was trying to spell blankie

Comment from Kooky Clown

Excellent

I found this a very moving and in a way upsetting poem not for the way it is written which I think is good but for the content I feel so sorry for this fictitious little girl.
This may sound daft but I get very absorbed in everything I read.

 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016

Me too, I know when something gets to me. It actually hurts. Thank you for your sincere review.

Comment from Heather Knight

Excellent

What a very sad story! But so beautiful! I wish I had a sixer left, but I don't.
There's an apostrophe missing in Your far from perfect.
Thanks so much for sharing. I have really enjoyed reading this lovely piece.

 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016

thank you so much, I will edit it right away.

Comment from davisr (Rhonda)

Excellent

Wow, this poem gave me chills all over. It is so sad that people choose to treat their children this way. They have no idea the effect it has on their developing sense of self. I have a son who was a bed-wetter until he was ten. We just put Depends on him at night, and then he just got over it.

Great job of getting an important topic out,
Rhonda

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 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016

Thank you , my children were bed wetters too. They were simply heavy sleepers. It truly is ok.
Like you said, just take care of the problem not berate the child.