These Changing Leaves - Edited
Practice Potlatch for 11-5 - Please read notes10 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Allison I think you've done a fine job with your sonnet. Your meter for the most part is in good order and most important the tone or mood matches the season.
You even managed to add in a pair of feminine endings in lines 9 and 11.
The only word that didn't really scan for me is
Dew flickers on the the brittle decayed- i would change decayed to withered.
Nonetheless a valiant effort and a fine sonnet to form.
Gloria
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Allison I think you've done a fine job with your sonnet. Your meter for the most part is in good order and most important the tone or mood matches the season.
You even managed to add in a pair of feminine endings in lines 9 and 11.
The only word that didn't really scan for me is
Dew flickers on the the brittle decayed- i would change decayed to withered.
Nonetheless a valiant effort and a fine sonnet to form.
Gloria
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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I didn't even know I was being so fancy with the feminine endings, lol! Thank you so much for your review and suggestions, I really appreciate it!
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a pretty good effort for a start. The secret of writing good meter is to place the words so that the natural stresses and unstresses match those required by the meter. Some words are naturally stressed on one syllable others on another. This is further aggravated by cultural differences is it ADdress or adDRESS? Three syllable words can be really awkward when we are dealing as here with iambic pentameter. This goes
da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM.
These fallen leaves fly softly in the wind
That first line of your second quatrain matches the meter perfectly perfectly. There are others that do so as well but there are those that don't. See if you can find them and by making small changes get them to conform.
For example
"they crumble and fade as the years go by;" stresses "and" and "as". In normal speech we wouldn't stress those words but,
"they fade and crumble as the years go by;" changes the whole pattern and makes it more acceptable.
The last syllable of an iambic line is always stresses so avoid last words that naturally stress the first syllable. There is a way round that but it is a bit advanced at this stage. See how you get on. Send me a pm with your solution if you like. I am happy to help.
I have to give this a 4 but do not be dismayed it will eventually upgrade to a 5 if you stick with me.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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This is a pretty good effort for a start. The secret of writing good meter is to place the words so that the natural stresses and unstresses match those required by the meter. Some words are naturally stressed on one syllable others on another. This is further aggravated by cultural differences is it ADdress or adDRESS? Three syllable words can be really awkward when we are dealing as here with iambic pentameter. This goes
da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM.
These fallen leaves fly softly in the wind
That first line of your second quatrain matches the meter perfectly perfectly. There are others that do so as well but there are those that don't. See if you can find them and by making small changes get them to conform.
For example
"they crumble and fade as the years go by;" stresses "and" and "as". In normal speech we wouldn't stress those words but,
"they fade and crumble as the years go by;" changes the whole pattern and makes it more acceptable.
The last syllable of an iambic line is always stresses so avoid last words that naturally stress the first syllable. There is a way round that but it is a bit advanced at this stage. See how you get on. Send me a pm with your solution if you like. I am happy to help.
I have to give this a 4 but do not be dismayed it will eventually upgrade to a 5 if you stick with me.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for that detailed review! It kind of makes my head hurt a little but I really enjoy it, thank you so much!!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Allison,
I enjoyed your sonnet. It a style that comes with much difficulty. I commend you for your attempt.
I cannot help much with meter except to say that it seems that some of the lines end with the accent on the first of a 2 syllable word like glitter, moonshine [maybe--I could be wrong as meter is still a work in progress for me].
I like rhyme & please look at these suggestions:
These changing lovely leaves, russet and wine
[as green leaves change to russet and deep wine]? not sure
even as the sun warms my weary soul
into the chilly lone months and moonshine
[with cold and lonely months and dim moonshine] ? not sure
as light as air, we pay this costly toll
These fallen leaves fly softly in the wind [breeze]
they crumble and fade as the years go by;
[and crumble and fade as the years pass by]
memories I have left, fade in my mind [memories left allow my mind to ease--rhymes but meter may be off]
As people so dear to me say goodbye
[as dear souls whisper softly sad goodbyes]? goodbye is a tricky word with accent
But there is grace in this coming winter
dew flickers on the brittle decayed leaves
as dew is shining brightly on decayed leaves [meter? not sure]
as the snow falls the ground starts to glitter
as snow falls covering all in a blur [make sense ?]
and barren tree branches have snow white sleeves
and barren branches sport their snow white sleeves [??]
I will hold on through this silvered abyss
as I will safely cling through this abyss [make sense ??]
and know morning is near with shining bliss
[and know that morning will bring shining bliss]
Please do not think I am a know it all with any of this. These are only suggestions. I am trying to help & still retain your ideas. I had help from some very knowledgeable members on FS. MAYBE this helps.
I rate a 5 for effort.
If you haven't already, bookmark/save:
Rhymer.com
Dictionary.com --shows the accent of words easily in dark blue. Type in a word then it comes up with the syllables showing the accent in blue.
Jan
Jan
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Allison,
I enjoyed your sonnet. It a style that comes with much difficulty. I commend you for your attempt.
I cannot help much with meter except to say that it seems that some of the lines end with the accent on the first of a 2 syllable word like glitter, moonshine [maybe--I could be wrong as meter is still a work in progress for me].
I like rhyme & please look at these suggestions:
These changing lovely leaves, russet and wine
[as green leaves change to russet and deep wine]? not sure
even as the sun warms my weary soul
into the chilly lone months and moonshine
[with cold and lonely months and dim moonshine] ? not sure
as light as air, we pay this costly toll
These fallen leaves fly softly in the wind [breeze]
they crumble and fade as the years go by;
[and crumble and fade as the years pass by]
memories I have left, fade in my mind [memories left allow my mind to ease--rhymes but meter may be off]
As people so dear to me say goodbye
[as dear souls whisper softly sad goodbyes]? goodbye is a tricky word with accent
But there is grace in this coming winter
dew flickers on the brittle decayed leaves
as dew is shining brightly on decayed leaves [meter? not sure]
as the snow falls the ground starts to glitter
as snow falls covering all in a blur [make sense ?]
and barren tree branches have snow white sleeves
and barren branches sport their snow white sleeves [??]
I will hold on through this silvered abyss
as I will safely cling through this abyss [make sense ??]
and know morning is near with shining bliss
[and know that morning will bring shining bliss]
Please do not think I am a know it all with any of this. These are only suggestions. I am trying to help & still retain your ideas. I had help from some very knowledgeable members on FS. MAYBE this helps.
I rate a 5 for effort.
If you haven't already, bookmark/save:
Rhymer.com
Dictionary.com --shows the accent of words easily in dark blue. Type in a word then it comes up with the syllables showing the accent in blue.
Jan
Jan
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Thank you so much for the time you spent reviewiing this and giving me suggestions. I really appreciate it!!
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I'm thanking you again so it will give me the option to nominate review, I don't know how else to do it!
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Thank you. There is a way, but I can't explain it. Jan
Comment from Marykelly
This sonnet describes fall and its transition to winter. The imagery is vivid and imaginative and the movement of seasons becomes a metaphor for the changing life of the speaker. The quatrains suggest some worry and concern, but the couplet promises light and warmth.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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This sonnet describes fall and its transition to winter. The imagery is vivid and imaginative and the movement of seasons becomes a metaphor for the changing life of the speaker. The quatrains suggest some worry and concern, but the couplet promises light and warmth.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you for such a nice review!
Comment from Yvon
Sonnet? I looked it up for both of us.
What is a sonnet in a poem?
The word sonnet is derived from the Italian word "sonetto". It means a small or little song or lyric. In poetry, a sonnet has 14 fourteen lines and is written in iambic pentameter. Each line has 10 syllables. It has a specific rhyme scheme and a "volta" or a specific turn.
I liked the first 2 lines the most but the 'poem' is well written but is not a sonnet. Your sonnet has 8 syllables per line but I won't discredit you as I like it.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Sonnet? I looked it up for both of us.
What is a sonnet in a poem?
The word sonnet is derived from the Italian word "sonetto". It means a small or little song or lyric. In poetry, a sonnet has 14 fourteen lines and is written in iambic pentameter. Each line has 10 syllables. It has a specific rhyme scheme and a "volta" or a specific turn.
I liked the first 2 lines the most but the 'poem' is well written but is not a sonnet. Your sonnet has 8 syllables per line but I won't discredit you as I like it.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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I'm glad you liked anyway! I have a lot to learn about sonnets!
Comment from Mustang Patty
The sentiment in the poem is lovely. Sonnets are hard to write because of the iambic pentameter. I did find a few 'nits.' You have used the words 'wind' and 'mind' for rhyming words, and they are spelled like they should, but pronounced differently.
With a little work, this could be a lovely ode to the change of seasons.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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The sentiment in the poem is lovely. Sonnets are hard to write because of the iambic pentameter. I did find a few 'nits.' You have used the words 'wind' and 'mind' for rhyming words, and they are spelled like they should, but pronounced differently.
With a little work, this could be a lovely ode to the change of seasons.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you for such a nice review and noticing that!
Comment from patcelaw
You got the rhyming scheme right and the stanzas of 4 lines with a couplet at the end, you just need 10 syllables in each line. Patricia
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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You got the rhyming scheme right and the stanzas of 4 lines with a couplet at the end, you just need 10 syllables in each line. Patricia
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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I'm not sure why I though it was 8! Thank you for your review!
Comment from winnona
I am no expert but I do not think this is a sonnet. It is lacking a feeling of rhythm. That said I still like the poem and think the words combined nicely forming the message of the poem for the reader.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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I am no expert but I do not think this is a sonnet. It is lacking a feeling of rhythm. That said I still like the poem and think the words combined nicely forming the message of the poem for the reader.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your review!
Comment from Thomas Bowling
I miss the change of seasons. I grew up in Ohio but now live in Florida. The only difference between winter and summer is we mow our yards less.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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I miss the change of seasons. I grew up in Ohio but now live in Florida. The only difference between winter and summer is we mow our yards less.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Yes, most everyone I know that lives in in a warm climate misses the change of seasons, thank you for the review!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very good attempt. The challenge is to write a sonnet with 10 syllables in each line, yours only have eight. Although there is a sonnet form that only requires 8 syllables. Your rhyming works well. The meter is at some places not iambic.
I am not at my PC to check and help you to get the iambic meter right. I am sure there will be someone that will help you to correct it.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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A very good attempt. The challenge is to write a sonnet with 10 syllables in each line, yours only have eight. Although there is a sonnet form that only requires 8 syllables. Your rhyming works well. The meter is at some places not iambic.
I am not at my PC to check and help you to get the iambic meter right. I am sure there will be someone that will help you to correct it.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thank you Sandra, I really appreciate your input!!
