Eli, And His Invisible Friend
A little Halloween, ghost story, fun.17 total reviews
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Mike, this is a fascinating story. I like the way you blended fact with fiction to produce a very interesting piece of historical fiction. Very well written. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2016
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Mike, this is a fascinating story. I like the way you blended fact with fiction to produce a very interesting piece of historical fiction. Very well written. :) Nancy
Comment Written 30-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for the awesome review, it's deeply appreciated. Everybody loves the history in the piece and Rosie. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from barkingdog
This is a beautiful story, mike.
The genuine affection between Rosie and Eli, and his pressing need to help her reunite with her mother felt so real. Ghost of not, Rosie needed Eli's and Pat's help.
I like the ending. Pat and Eli, alive in the real world, appear to have a new connection and trust. Maybe, love will blossom. But you kept the story focused on Rosie and that's where my mind still is.
Suggestions:
-then turned into one of the richest farms around.
-So(,) I believe
-I look(in) the mirror
-on the cheek(.)I'm really
-hand in mine(,) we take off
-front steps(.) "Hi(,) guys."
-Pat's face change(.)
-Pat smiles(.)
-I want him to see that I'm not afraid of him(.)
-A coward that
-floor(. The tip)
-out of my way(.)
-glaring(.) "I'll break
-beside me(.)
-out of my pocket(.)
-fades[away] (delete to avoid repetition of 'away')
This would have made very good contest entry, mike.
:) e
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2016
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This is a beautiful story, mike.
The genuine affection between Rosie and Eli, and his pressing need to help her reunite with her mother felt so real. Ghost of not, Rosie needed Eli's and Pat's help.
I like the ending. Pat and Eli, alive in the real world, appear to have a new connection and trust. Maybe, love will blossom. But you kept the story focused on Rosie and that's where my mind still is.
Suggestions:
-then turned into one of the richest farms around.
-So(,) I believe
-I look(in) the mirror
-on the cheek(.)I'm really
-hand in mine(,) we take off
-front steps(.) "Hi(,) guys."
-Pat's face change(.)
-Pat smiles(.)
-I want him to see that I'm not afraid of him(.)
-A coward that
-floor(. The tip)
-out of my way(.)
-glaring(.) "I'll break
-beside me(.)
-out of my pocket(.)
-fades[away] (delete to avoid repetition of 'away')
This would have made very good contest entry, mike.
:) e
Comment Written 29-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for your help with this story. All that matters is making this story stronger and your edit really helps. Thanks again!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from crybry67
Very interesting, a well told story. A little suspense, a heartwarming story of friends helping friends...great job on this.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2016
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Very interesting, a well told story. A little suspense, a heartwarming story of friends helping friends...great job on this.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for your awesome review, It's deeply appreciated. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Nika2016
Of course ghosts exist! My father's spirit visited my mom to comfort her. Both...were Christians. I loved this historical tale....My aunt and uncle lived in a house in S. Carolina with chains and hooks in the basement for slaves...I would never step into such a house.
This was a great story.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2016
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Of course ghosts exist! My father's spirit visited my mom to comfort her. Both...were Christians. I loved this historical tale....My aunt and uncle lived in a house in S. Carolina with chains and hooks in the basement for slaves...I would never step into such a house.
This was a great story.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for the awesome review, it's deeply appreciated. Wow, could that house in SC tell some stories. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
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It was an old plantatation. From a different line, I am from the Livingston family...George Bush is also..First Continental Congress had Muscoe Livingston on agenda...Britain had outlawed slave trade and he could not bring his home from Jamaica...I found his records on the island...online...He was running the trade there for Philip Livingston New York legislator...and donar to Yale... Horrible, but interesting stories..
It appears my direct ancestor..John Livingston was leading two lives in New Haven and Virginia...
All Livingstons were related to King James and George and the slave trade was partially directed from Scotland...James' birthplace..There is much more. I found Muscoe's release of his slaves to freedom 1700's when he returned to America.
Dont hate me...I had nothing to do with any of this...
The New York Livingstons recently met with their black descendant cousins...That must have been awkward since they are still rich from slave labor in 1700s...1800'S
It was all wrong, but history...
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Those are the wonderful stories that need to be told. I know they're awful but healing comes from telling your story. Maybe you reading "Eli" was meant for you to bring some of these stories to the forefront. Just saying. Love you girl. mike
Comment from frogbook
A superbly written tale that kept the reader enthralled throughout. What a great idea and interesting historical setting. Just excellent, wonderful characters. You should write this for a magazine or short story entry.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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A superbly written tale that kept the reader enthralled throughout. What a great idea and interesting historical setting. Just excellent, wonderful characters. You should write this for a magazine or short story entry.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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I always try to use a little local history or state history in all my stories. It give the story more life. This story has been such a blessing, everybody that's read it, just loves it. Especially Rosie. I knew she was going to be special when I was writing her. Many thanks for the awesome review an the wonderful 6 stars. It's deeply appreciated!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This review pains me greatly as there are a few technical bits and spags contained within the story. The story itself is definitely a six star piece but normally I wouldn't give them when there are spags and technical stuff to sort out...but I loved this. It is one of the best things I've read on the site since I joined a little over two years ago.
Great opening paragraph that really paints the scene for the reader.
all I can tell you is she knows move checkers around - knows how to?
Pat's thinking hard, "That might work?" - this felt more of wondering rather than a question to me. Not sure the question mark is necessary on this occasion.
reading the series with it's dancing bones - its.
I think I'll play Minecraft on my phone"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Mikey eyes are huge! - Mikey's.
Her blue eyes studies the stone - study.
anything about the Pettibone's in this area - Pettibones, no apostrophe necessary.
You need to be careful of overusing commas in places where they would not occur naturally. eg But not, her grave though / Why is Rosie's last name, Pettibone (there are a few other places as well)
it looks like stone tower - like a stone tower.
"Pettibone" in capitol letters. - capital letters.
I thought the blue eyes on Rosie may have been a bit of a giveaway as well!
Pettibone's slaves died within few days after - within a few.
"Including Lucinda Johnson and Rosie. His killed his own child. What an evil man" - need end punctuation here before the closing speech marks.
"She will if your there, Pat - you're.
She thinks your wonderful - you're.
It's true, isn't Eli? - isn't it Eli?
My backpack is on the end of bed - end of the bed.
two lights on in the house is in the kitchen light - are rather than is here.
I think your about visit your grave, - you're about to.
Your a pretty cool, for a boy!" =you are or you're and delete 'a'.
Your pretty cool yourself - you are or you're.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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Hi there,
This review pains me greatly as there are a few technical bits and spags contained within the story. The story itself is definitely a six star piece but normally I wouldn't give them when there are spags and technical stuff to sort out...but I loved this. It is one of the best things I've read on the site since I joined a little over two years ago.
Great opening paragraph that really paints the scene for the reader.
all I can tell you is she knows move checkers around - knows how to?
Pat's thinking hard, "That might work?" - this felt more of wondering rather than a question to me. Not sure the question mark is necessary on this occasion.
reading the series with it's dancing bones - its.
I think I'll play Minecraft on my phone"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
Mikey eyes are huge! - Mikey's.
Her blue eyes studies the stone - study.
anything about the Pettibone's in this area - Pettibones, no apostrophe necessary.
You need to be careful of overusing commas in places where they would not occur naturally. eg But not, her grave though / Why is Rosie's last name, Pettibone (there are a few other places as well)
it looks like stone tower - like a stone tower.
"Pettibone" in capitol letters. - capital letters.
I thought the blue eyes on Rosie may have been a bit of a giveaway as well!
Pettibone's slaves died within few days after - within a few.
"Including Lucinda Johnson and Rosie. His killed his own child. What an evil man" - need end punctuation here before the closing speech marks.
"She will if your there, Pat - you're.
She thinks your wonderful - you're.
It's true, isn't Eli? - isn't it Eli?
My backpack is on the end of bed - end of the bed.
two lights on in the house is in the kitchen light - are rather than is here.
I think your about visit your grave, - you're about to.
Your a pretty cool, for a boy!" =you are or you're and delete 'a'.
Your pretty cool yourself - you are or you're.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 28-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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With the wonderful edit you gave it I would been happy with a two. I'm so glad you loved this story and helped it to be the blessing it can be. I can't thank you enough! All the best my friend.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Nice of them to bury her so she can stop roaming the Earth. This is way too long. You could cut out half the words and have a better story. Don't ramble. Get to the point. Keep the plot moving.
You have several punctuation errors, but this is the most serious, and it recurs throughout. There is a major rule that says NEVER separate the subject from its predicate with a comma. Below, the subject noun and predicate verb are shown in caps.
The huge portrait over the fireplace, is the Master.
PORTRAIT IS
His eyes, never missed a thing.
EYES MISSED
most ghosts, don't know they're dead
GHOSTS KNOW
You can see it clearly now... no way you'd write PORTRAIT, IS; EYES, MISSED; or GHOSTS, KNOW. So delete the commas and try to remember this rule and check your writing for it in the future.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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Nice of them to bury her so she can stop roaming the Earth. This is way too long. You could cut out half the words and have a better story. Don't ramble. Get to the point. Keep the plot moving.
You have several punctuation errors, but this is the most serious, and it recurs throughout. There is a major rule that says NEVER separate the subject from its predicate with a comma. Below, the subject noun and predicate verb are shown in caps.
The huge portrait over the fireplace, is the Master.
PORTRAIT IS
His eyes, never missed a thing.
EYES MISSED
most ghosts, don't know they're dead
GHOSTS KNOW
You can see it clearly now... no way you'd write PORTRAIT, IS; EYES, MISSED; or GHOSTS, KNOW. So delete the commas and try to remember this rule and check your writing for it in the future.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for your help with this story Miss Phyllis. It's deeply appreciated. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Craigitar
Five stars for a story written and told very well. There are a number of places that need editing. I'll point out a few, but a good read-through by you should catch the rest. First one: "She's invisible, all I can tell you is she knows (how to) move checkers..."
Second one: "...Mikey('s) eyes are huge! He slowly waves,..."
Third one: "Well what do you expect, you were just talking to [what] a ghost."
Fourth one: "[Your] (you're) pretty cool yourself, Pat, for a girl!" We start to walk home..."
I think there are a few more omissions or oversights, but nothing serious. Good job writing a kid-friendly ghost story.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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Five stars for a story written and told very well. There are a number of places that need editing. I'll point out a few, but a good read-through by you should catch the rest. First one: "She's invisible, all I can tell you is she knows (how to) move checkers..."
Second one: "...Mikey('s) eyes are huge! He slowly waves,..."
Third one: "Well what do you expect, you were just talking to [what] a ghost."
Fourth one: "[Your] (you're) pretty cool yourself, Pat, for a girl!" We start to walk home..."
I think there are a few more omissions or oversights, but nothing serious. Good job writing a kid-friendly ghost story.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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Many thanks for reading and your help with this story. It's deeply appreciated! Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from SummerDawn16
I liked it but try to change the ages a bit and make them slightly older because 10 year old boys are usually grossed out by girls.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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I liked it but try to change the ages a bit and make them slightly older because 10 year old boys are usually grossed out by girls.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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I can do that, Eli starts out grossed out by girls. But he slowly changes at the end. Many thanks for the awesome review.
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Tpa
You did a terrific job. I enjoyed you setting and the approach you made in teaching history through fiction. The ending with Pettibone was a wee bit overboard, still very entertaining and funny. Your characters were delightful. GREAT JOB!
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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You did a terrific job. I enjoyed you setting and the approach you made in teaching history through fiction. The ending with Pettibone was a wee bit overboard, still very entertaining and funny. Your characters were delightful. GREAT JOB!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2016
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Kids like big endings. Many thanks for your awesome review. It's deeply appreciated! Have a great day and God bless.
mike
