Where's Bob?
A story of a toddler's love and her 'missing' grampie...25 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
My friend, I am so sorry. I'm not even really able to do a very thorough job of reviewing this; I'm bawling. But I also know this must have been excruciating to write... I WILL say to check the length of a few of your sentences, and I will persevere because I know this, above all I've read from you so far, you'll want to perfect.
I am going to correct one of the lengthier sentences, just to illustrate how it adds clarity to keep sentences a little shorter than you customarily do. I also want to show how proper comma use can make that sentence a smoother read = "The pine cone patterned knobs on their four-poster(,) maple bed frame(,) familiar throughout my childhood, became my therapy as I sat on the bed at my dad's feet(.) I worked the wood of the left foot board in my left palm as cancer ate through his esophagus just inches away from me--a helpless and hideous feeling I will never forget."
Mary, you will notice that I actually made that second sentence longer--that's because that bit at the end that YOU made a separate sentence was really a fragment (not a proper, complete sentence). I also changed the syntax - adding that it was your left palm you used after describing the wood just seemed smoother to me, not as awkward.
add comma here - December 26th(,)
and here - "...I lub you's(,) and..."
and anytime there's direct address - "...I lub you(,) Mommy..." (Capital M when it's direct.)
and anytime there is more than one adjective.
Mary, I know exactly what you mean when you say, "we spent time with Dad...", but the written word is funny/odd/mysterious in its power and you really should be more specific to spare your reader the shock. Same thing when describing the removal of your dad's body, my friend.
One more nit - (very minor) - "...room to room search (for) her Grampie..."
Big, warm hugs for this heart-wrenching, true tale. You sure can write, woman!
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
  |
My friend, I am so sorry. I'm not even really able to do a very thorough job of reviewing this; I'm bawling. But I also know this must have been excruciating to write... I WILL say to check the length of a few of your sentences, and I will persevere because I know this, above all I've read from you so far, you'll want to perfect.
I am going to correct one of the lengthier sentences, just to illustrate how it adds clarity to keep sentences a little shorter than you customarily do. I also want to show how proper comma use can make that sentence a smoother read = "The pine cone patterned knobs on their four-poster(,) maple bed frame(,) familiar throughout my childhood, became my therapy as I sat on the bed at my dad's feet(.) I worked the wood of the left foot board in my left palm as cancer ate through his esophagus just inches away from me--a helpless and hideous feeling I will never forget."
Mary, you will notice that I actually made that second sentence longer--that's because that bit at the end that YOU made a separate sentence was really a fragment (not a proper, complete sentence). I also changed the syntax - adding that it was your left palm you used after describing the wood just seemed smoother to me, not as awkward.
add comma here - December 26th(,)
and here - "...I lub you's(,) and..."
and anytime there's direct address - "...I lub you(,) Mommy..." (Capital M when it's direct.)
and anytime there is more than one adjective.
Mary, I know exactly what you mean when you say, "we spent time with Dad...", but the written word is funny/odd/mysterious in its power and you really should be more specific to spare your reader the shock. Same thing when describing the removal of your dad's body, my friend.
One more nit - (very minor) - "...room to room search (for) her Grampie..."
Big, warm hugs for this heart-wrenching, true tale. You sure can write, woman!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
-
Hi Dawn, the baby is down for his nap and I have a minute to catch up on reviews. Thank you so much for this wonderful and indepth review and advice for improving. I have made the changes to the obvious ones you mentioned, and will go back later and look at shortening sentences where I can. I do seem to struggle with that as you well know. I am blessed to have your continued support and wonderful critiques that are helpful in the best way to me. XO
-
When someone is as fabulous a writer and as gracious about suggested changes, I'm glad to offer anything I think might help. You're very welcome, Mary.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
You roll just fine.
What an excellent piece, sad and yet so joyous at the same time.I love the Bob reference all the time, did she every call him Gramps?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
|
You roll just fine.
What an excellent piece, sad and yet so joyous at the same time.I love the Bob reference all the time, did she every call him Gramps?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
-
She never called him Grampie...it was always Bob for her. He loved it too! Thank you for your RR&R and kind remarks. Have a great afternoon, Barb.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very well written, an emotional story of love and loss. It happens to everyone. Generally our parents go first, but just because it's common doesn't mean it's easy to deal with. Death of a loved one is always extremely difficult. At my age, I've lost all of my parents' generation, the last to go being my beloved aunt two years ago. THat's the problem with life... it's temporary. We know that, but we don't let ourselves think about it till someone dies.
I'm dying now myself. Terminal lung disease. I'd rather be healthy right up to the end and die quickly, but that's not to be my fate. In a hundred years, no one will know or care that we existed, and the world keeps spinning as babies grow old, sick, and die.
Sorry to go on and on, but stories of death bring all this to mind. Hard to avoid thinking about it in my situation. I hope you live a long life and keep finding more happiness. Not a minute is to be wasted. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
|
Very well written, an emotional story of love and loss. It happens to everyone. Generally our parents go first, but just because it's common doesn't mean it's easy to deal with. Death of a loved one is always extremely difficult. At my age, I've lost all of my parents' generation, the last to go being my beloved aunt two years ago. THat's the problem with life... it's temporary. We know that, but we don't let ourselves think about it till someone dies.
I'm dying now myself. Terminal lung disease. I'd rather be healthy right up to the end and die quickly, but that's not to be my fate. In a hundred years, no one will know or care that we existed, and the world keeps spinning as babies grow old, sick, and die.
Sorry to go on and on, but stories of death bring all this to mind. Hard to avoid thinking about it in my situation. I hope you live a long life and keep finding more happiness. Not a minute is to be wasted. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
-
Phyllis, I had no idea. I was shocked reading your review and your struggle. How you continue to produce amazing writing while dealing with lung cancer is quite a feat to me, let alone being the #1 writer on this site. You are my hero, seriously.
You couldn't be more correct in your message. I think we truly begin dying from the day we are born. Some just accelerate at it through no fault of their own. You don't need to apologize for a thing. I am sorry if my dad's story hit a nerve considering your health issue.
I will keep you in thought, and hope for a cure of this dreadful disease before too many more succumb to it. Sending hugs your way. XO
-
Thanks so much for the nice note, Mary. Fortunately, I do not have lung cancer. I have something similar to COPD but slower moving. It's a side effect of ankylosing spondylitis in my spine. It eventually affects bladder, rib cage, lungs, and heart. I'm glad it's not COPD, since I wouldn't last as long. I can get around if I don't try to move fast. I managed to pressure spray the deck, since it required only standing in one place.
Spondylitis has fused many of my spinal joints. I can't tilt my head or turn it very far, but I make do with the limited motion I have. It's an autoimmune disease. I have had six of them since my thirties, and now I'm seventy. Some go away, like the psoriasis and are replaced by another one. My body attacks itself. Frustrating that there is no cure for any of them. No one else in my family had these. Lucky me, huh? LOL!
Thanks again. I'm okay most of the time. I do get depressed if I don't stay busy, tho. Thank goodness there is FS and friends like you, since I can't go out to lunch... can't see anyone. Can't have friends over, since I can NOT clean the hosue. Plan to hire someone in the spring.
Comment from Nika2016
Six stars for tearing my heart apart...I remember once asking you to write about Bob and your daughter...but this ...I cried all through it...
You are a great writer.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
 |
Six stars for tearing my heart apart...I remember once asking you to write about Bob and your daughter...but this ...I cried all through it...
You are a great writer.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
-
Hi Nika2016, thank you for the wonderful review and the assignment of a SIX to my dad's story. I appreciate your wonderful review and your compliment, very much. Have a wonderful day.
Comment from Sis Cat
A phenomenally, deeply moving essay reminded me of the death of my father from cancer and the swirl and responses of people around him. Your story about your daughter Emily asking "Where's Bob?" was tearful. You have a good sense of detail and memory. Frankly, I remember every detail of my father's passing. No one forgets such details as seeing your loved ones for the last time. Story sets up a climatic scene at a mortuary and it makes me want to read more.
Thank you for sharing. You have my condolences.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
|
A phenomenally, deeply moving essay reminded me of the death of my father from cancer and the swirl and responses of people around him. Your story about your daughter Emily asking "Where's Bob?" was tearful. You have a good sense of detail and memory. Frankly, I remember every detail of my father's passing. No one forgets such details as seeing your loved ones for the last time. Story sets up a climatic scene at a mortuary and it makes me want to read more.
Thank you for sharing. You have my condolences.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
-
Thank you, Andre, for this review and for your kind words. I am also very appreciative of you assigning a six to it. I loved hearing the parts that struck a chord or emotion. Thank you for allowing that detail. Thank you for your expression of sympathy, that I return on the loss of your own father. Have a wonderful day.
