My Childish Views
Modified Rondeau Redouble28 total reviews
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Mikey,
just back from my hols, and I read this wonderful poem. There is nothing childish
in wanting to be able to change how we live and treat the world and all it's inhabitants the way we do. If truth be known I suspect that most people think the same way.
These words were just perfect to tell how you feel, it embraces the innocence how we think as a child and then addresses the reality of thinking as an adult with life experiences.
A great poem.
Brenda:))x
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Hi Mikey,
just back from my hols, and I read this wonderful poem. There is nothing childish
in wanting to be able to change how we live and treat the world and all it's inhabitants the way we do. If truth be known I suspect that most people think the same way.
These words were just perfect to tell how you feel, it embraces the innocence how we think as a child and then addresses the reality of thinking as an adult with life experiences.
A great poem.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A very powerful and passionate write mikey and some good questions asked
-why can't we change this world?
Well done with this Rondeau re-double,
cheers,
valda
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A very powerful and passionate write mikey and some good questions asked
-why can't we change this world?
Well done with this Rondeau re-double,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from William Ross
Nicely done on the rondeau redouble, don't think they are childish views, why can't we all live in peace why do we have to destroy all we have. thanks for the share of thoughts and have a great day.
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Nicely done on the rondeau redouble, don't think they are childish views, why can't we all live in peace why do we have to destroy all we have. thanks for the share of thoughts and have a great day.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from Pantygynt
This is surely a variant on the rondeau redouble as I understand it, with five line stanzas, the repeats being tacked on the end of the four lines as a rhyming couplet.
perhaps a heroic rondeau redouble. Certainly an interesting new form from the Emerald Isle.
Childish views? The following seems somewhat sophisticated for a child's view.
"What value does life hold? The bucks their mate;
like sodomy, we're mounted from the rear.
Why must the tides be ruled by stinging tears?"
well into puberty I'd say.
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This is surely a variant on the rondeau redouble as I understand it, with five line stanzas, the repeats being tacked on the end of the four lines as a rhyming couplet.
perhaps a heroic rondeau redouble. Certainly an interesting new form from the Emerald Isle.
Childish views? The following seems somewhat sophisticated for a child's view.
"What value does life hold? The bucks their mate;
like sodomy, we're mounted from the rear.
Why must the tides be ruled by stinging tears?"
well into puberty I'd say.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written rondeau redouble. We have to find our inner child and start listening what he tries to tell us, there is a way we can change when we listen closely.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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A very well-written rondeau redouble. We have to find our inner child and start listening what he tries to tell us, there is a way we can change when we listen closely.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from rama devi
This is one of your best--and so intensely RELEVANT. Love it. So many AHAs and original, potent phrases. A few spag suggestions but nothing big enough to deter me from awarding a six. Love this one, Mikey. It's memorable! Superb rhyme, flow and phonetics as well. I'll not note all nuances, since I am sure you know I noticed them all...
NOTES
Love the opening, the premise and the simple tone with profoundly relevant questions.
POTENT LINE:
Why must the tides be ruled by stinging tears,
while ev'ry giggle born within us waits?
NICE:
The child inside brings hope when it appears.
LOVE THIS LINE:
The sand is jeweled with heads that hide in fear,
SPAG ALERT:
as ev'ry demon's dream's let through the gate.
no apostrophe on dreams
*suggestion:
We're sunning on the beach with hapless cheer,(;)
the sun turns red, and still we hesitate.
OUTSTANDING
Our garbage glitters, borne on waves innate
relentless pounding-- waste of profiteers. AWESOME LINE!
*
What value does life hold, the bucks their mate;
like sodomy, we're mounted from the rear.
I think there should be a question mark in there somewhere, no? How about:
What value does life hold? The bucks their mate;
like sodomy, we're mounted from the rear.
Utterly OUTSTANDING RHYMES in this stanza, plus fine alliteration of P and B and W and A:
Our souls abide with hearts of pioneers--
adventure's lure the meat that filled our plate.
Are hope and faith just ancient souvenirs? WONDERFUL INE
Truth dwells within our cells ... we abrogate,--AWESOME!
while ev'ry giggle born within us waits. Superb repeat in new context. Bravo.
Superb shift in tone with an inner answer note one suggestion):
Reach down, discover lost, enduring traits;
a hero hides within, constrained but near.
Break free, it's time,(--) we're chained in dire straits--
ignore the doubtful lies that we all hear;
the child inside brings hope when it appears.
here is another idea (example how I'd edit this):
Reach down, discover lost, enduring traits;
a hero hides within, constrained but near.
Break free, it's time--we're chained in dire straits.
Ignore the doubtful lies that we all hear;
the child inside brings hope when it appears.
SUPERB:
The sea engulfs, like love, a mountain's fears,
for mountains are just sand that time awaits.
Perfect closing note:
Relentless seas cause beaches to appear;
the ocean understands a mountains fate ...
why can't we?
Kudos.
Hugs,
rd
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This is one of your best--and so intensely RELEVANT. Love it. So many AHAs and original, potent phrases. A few spag suggestions but nothing big enough to deter me from awarding a six. Love this one, Mikey. It's memorable! Superb rhyme, flow and phonetics as well. I'll not note all nuances, since I am sure you know I noticed them all...
NOTES
Love the opening, the premise and the simple tone with profoundly relevant questions.
POTENT LINE:
Why must the tides be ruled by stinging tears,
while ev'ry giggle born within us waits?
NICE:
The child inside brings hope when it appears.
LOVE THIS LINE:
The sand is jeweled with heads that hide in fear,
SPAG ALERT:
as ev'ry demon's dream's let through the gate.
no apostrophe on dreams
*suggestion:
We're sunning on the beach with hapless cheer,(;)
the sun turns red, and still we hesitate.
OUTSTANDING
Our garbage glitters, borne on waves innate
relentless pounding-- waste of profiteers. AWESOME LINE!
*
What value does life hold, the bucks their mate;
like sodomy, we're mounted from the rear.
I think there should be a question mark in there somewhere, no? How about:
What value does life hold? The bucks their mate;
like sodomy, we're mounted from the rear.
Utterly OUTSTANDING RHYMES in this stanza, plus fine alliteration of P and B and W and A:
Our souls abide with hearts of pioneers--
adventure's lure the meat that filled our plate.
Are hope and faith just ancient souvenirs? WONDERFUL INE
Truth dwells within our cells ... we abrogate,--AWESOME!
while ev'ry giggle born within us waits. Superb repeat in new context. Bravo.
Superb shift in tone with an inner answer note one suggestion):
Reach down, discover lost, enduring traits;
a hero hides within, constrained but near.
Break free, it's time,(--) we're chained in dire straits--
ignore the doubtful lies that we all hear;
the child inside brings hope when it appears.
here is another idea (example how I'd edit this):
Reach down, discover lost, enduring traits;
a hero hides within, constrained but near.
Break free, it's time--we're chained in dire straits.
Ignore the doubtful lies that we all hear;
the child inside brings hope when it appears.
SUPERB:
The sea engulfs, like love, a mountain's fears,
for mountains are just sand that time awaits.
Perfect closing note:
Relentless seas cause beaches to appear;
the ocean understands a mountains fate ...
why can't we?
Kudos.
Hugs,
rd
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from nordicgirl
Just when I start to forget just what you are capable of, you com up with something like this to remond me. I am guessing your form is perfect, it reads like it is. I am always about the content. I love this.
Mountains are just sand that time awaits....
There is your six, right there. Wow! NG
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Just when I start to forget just what you are capable of, you com up with something like this to remond me. I am guessing your form is perfect, it reads like it is. I am always about the content. I love this.
Mountains are just sand that time awaits....
There is your six, right there. Wow! NG
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
Comment from madhatter1977
A really brilliant psychology poem, Mikey. The child within may be happy or damaged but deserves to be embraced - it is a child after all, and I believe, we are all old children rather than adults! That at least is my excuse!! Kidding there but there is truth in the statement. Life is so hard for so many of us it seems to preclude laughter, yet life's lessons can be joyous and comical or they can be a hardship. I hope you're doing well - this is an excellent poem, Pete :)
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A really brilliant psychology poem, Mikey. The child within may be happy or damaged but deserves to be embraced - it is a child after all, and I believe, we are all old children rather than adults! That at least is my excuse!! Kidding there but there is truth in the statement. Life is so hard for so many of us it seems to preclude laughter, yet life's lessons can be joyous and comical or they can be a hardship. I hope you're doing well - this is an excellent poem, Pete :)
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
