Rage
The making of a rogue grizzly22 total reviews
Comment from emptypage
Very nice writing.
Beautiful imagery: "Zeke wakes to the smell of wet earth, pine needles, and spring leaves. A fluttering riot of honks and squawks brings him to immediate attention; geese or ducks have landed in a nearby wetland."
This, too: "Zeke shakes the goose like a rag doll and carries it to dry land to fill his empty belly. He can wait no longer and starts ripping into the meat, gorging himself, eating with the vigor of long abstinence. Feathers litter the forest floor; his fast is over."
The second one was/is my favorite.
I felt like I was there. Glad I wasn't.
Nice work.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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Very nice writing.
Beautiful imagery: "Zeke wakes to the smell of wet earth, pine needles, and spring leaves. A fluttering riot of honks and squawks brings him to immediate attention; geese or ducks have landed in a nearby wetland."
This, too: "Zeke shakes the goose like a rag doll and carries it to dry land to fill his empty belly. He can wait no longer and starts ripping into the meat, gorging himself, eating with the vigor of long abstinence. Feathers litter the forest floor; his fast is over."
The second one was/is my favorite.
I felt like I was there. Glad I wasn't.
Nice work.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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Thank you. Yeah, I don't think I would want to be around an unhappy grizzly either LOL
Comment from Kassa-Leigh
I very much enjoyed this story! My only suggestion is that you not use the name, Zeke so much. We know you're talking about him, so his name isn't really necessary all the time. But, this was a great story, and your descriptive words were fantastic! I really felt like I was there, watching the bear. I felt bad for him. Thanks for sharing your talent with me.
Cheryl-Lynette
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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I very much enjoyed this story! My only suggestion is that you not use the name, Zeke so much. We know you're talking about him, so his name isn't really necessary all the time. But, this was a great story, and your descriptive words were fantastic! I really felt like I was there, watching the bear. I felt bad for him. Thanks for sharing your talent with me.
Cheryl-Lynette
Comment Written 01-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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Thank you. Okay, I will go back and delete some of the Zekes in the story. Thanks for the instructive comments.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I enjoyed the chapter very much and have decided to go back and read the previous ones. I found it easy to read and messages were direct. I know little of cadence but found the parts about angry convincing, not distracting or irritating. The sequence of events for the bear read well to me. Your descriptions of the wound sounded very real. I saw nothing to complain about and good luck for the rest of your course. Giddy
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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I enjoyed the chapter very much and have decided to go back and read the previous ones. I found it easy to read and messages were direct. I know little of cadence but found the parts about angry convincing, not distracting or irritating. The sequence of events for the bear read well to me. Your descriptions of the wound sounded very real. I saw nothing to complain about and good luck for the rest of your course. Giddy
Comment Written 30-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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Thank you. The other two chapters are not posted yet as they need some editing. This was my first try at cadence but this is the way they showed it done in the lesson book.
Comment from Nika2016
I wish I could give six stars. This is excellent as we become the bear....
Each thing he experiences happens to the reader ...
I want more!
Very nice work.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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I wish I could give six stars. This is excellent as we become the bear....
Each thing he experiences happens to the reader ...
I want more!
Very nice work.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2016
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Thank you. I will be posting the first two chapters soon. They need some more editing.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed the piece. I liked the idea of of using Zeke as the main character.
In terms of a review, this is just a suggestion. I would get more into his head, go more abstract thoughts, not human.
I need to turn this in for my creative writing class. They wanted a descriptive writing with cadence at some point. That is why the word angry is repeated several times. --My interpretation of cadence maybe different than yours. My suggestion to achieve cadence is varying your sentence structure. It's the rhythm and flow of the language, not repetition of words. I hope that makes sense. Good luck.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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I enjoyed the piece. I liked the idea of of using Zeke as the main character.
In terms of a review, this is just a suggestion. I would get more into his head, go more abstract thoughts, not human.
I need to turn this in for my creative writing class. They wanted a descriptive writing with cadence at some point. That is why the word angry is repeated several times. --My interpretation of cadence maybe different than yours. My suggestion to achieve cadence is varying your sentence structure. It's the rhythm and flow of the language, not repetition of words. I hope that makes sense. Good luck.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 30-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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Thank you. The last lesson I took showed repeated use of the same word in a manner that I used in the story. Your way is right too, but this is what they wanted us to show. Sentence structure is another matter altogather. Thanks for the input.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'm going to go back and read those first two chapters, this is really good. I've never read anything from a bears perspective before, and I have to say I feel so sorry for Zeke. He trusted man, and now he hates them. So sad. I am really looking forward to reading more of this, oh, and the word angry, only serves to intensify his loathing of man and his pain. Well done, excellent writing. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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I'm going to go back and read those first two chapters, this is really good. I've never read anything from a bears perspective before, and I have to say I feel so sorry for Zeke. He trusted man, and now he hates them. So sad. I am really looking forward to reading more of this, oh, and the word angry, only serves to intensify his loathing of man and his pain. Well done, excellent writing. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 30-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I haven't posted the other two chapters yet as they need some editing. I will post them before too long. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is such a fine piece of writing, Prettybluebirds. You control the narrative without the advantage that dialogue offers, and yet you do it so evocatively. The reader BECOMES Zeke. He looks out through those small brown eyes, and he feels the excruciating pain caused by that bullet, suppurating from the entry point. (Dang! I just learned that word about a month ago and thought, "Sure, I'll never have a chance to use it." You beat me to the punch.) You own Zeke!
Just a few things to consider, nothing major:
As Zeke stands on the rock strewed ledge ["rock" and "strewed" together modify "ledge". The rule is when two or more words modify a noun AND neither can do the job alone ("the rock ledge" doesn't convey your meaning, and neither does "the strewed ledge") then you need to hyphenate them.]
and foam flying from his mouth like bits of cattail down. [Super image. Sends it skittering through my mind.]
Zeke slips unseen into the water and waded to the edge of the brush. [Bet you don't do this too often: you slipped into the past tense. You have been so spot-on perfect throughout.]
The cold water feels good on Zeke's infected leg. [Consider repositioning this sentence to follow : "Zeke slips unseen into the water and waded [wades] to the edge of the brush." That way you are not interrupting the action flow. Just an observation to take or reject.]
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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This is such a fine piece of writing, Prettybluebirds. You control the narrative without the advantage that dialogue offers, and yet you do it so evocatively. The reader BECOMES Zeke. He looks out through those small brown eyes, and he feels the excruciating pain caused by that bullet, suppurating from the entry point. (Dang! I just learned that word about a month ago and thought, "Sure, I'll never have a chance to use it." You beat me to the punch.) You own Zeke!
Just a few things to consider, nothing major:
As Zeke stands on the rock strewed ledge ["rock" and "strewed" together modify "ledge". The rule is when two or more words modify a noun AND neither can do the job alone ("the rock ledge" doesn't convey your meaning, and neither does "the strewed ledge") then you need to hyphenate them.]
and foam flying from his mouth like bits of cattail down. [Super image. Sends it skittering through my mind.]
Zeke slips unseen into the water and waded to the edge of the brush. [Bet you don't do this too often: you slipped into the past tense. You have been so spot-on perfect throughout.]
The cold water feels good on Zeke's infected leg. [Consider repositioning this sentence to follow : "Zeke slips unseen into the water and waded [wades] to the edge of the brush." That way you are not interrupting the action flow. Just an observation to take or reject.]
Comment Written 29-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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Thank you. You know, I originally wrote the word (wades) and Grammarly told me it was not correct so I changed it. I think maybe we are smarter than Grammarly, right? Thanks for the catch. I will see what I can do about the ledge part. It didn't sound right to me either.
Comment from Spitfire
The repetition of angry works beautifully. The writing itself if top-notch. I felt so sorry for Zeke. Exceptional descriptions:
Zeke shakes the goose like a rag doll
leaving a trail of pus and blood behind him as the rocky walls tear the scab off the partially healed bullet hole;
ticking bomb wrapped in bear hide
That's just to mention a few. One suggestion I might make is to adjust some sentences in the opening.
Zeke wakes from his winter hibernation with a snarl as pain lances through his wounded leg. It is a chilly morning in early May, but warm in his mountain cave. Even so he has spent a restless winter. The bullet lodged in his hindquarters has festered during the cold months waking him often to lick the suppurating wound.
Just thought you had some adjectives that could be deleted to tighten the writing up.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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The repetition of angry works beautifully. The writing itself if top-notch. I felt so sorry for Zeke. Exceptional descriptions:
Zeke shakes the goose like a rag doll
leaving a trail of pus and blood behind him as the rocky walls tear the scab off the partially healed bullet hole;
ticking bomb wrapped in bear hide
That's just to mention a few. One suggestion I might make is to adjust some sentences in the opening.
Zeke wakes from his winter hibernation with a snarl as pain lances through his wounded leg. It is a chilly morning in early May, but warm in his mountain cave. Even so he has spent a restless winter. The bullet lodged in his hindquarters has festered during the cold months waking him often to lick the suppurating wound.
Just thought you had some adjectives that could be deleted to tighten the writing up.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I will edit and make your suggested changes. It does sound better written your way. I get carried away with adjectives sometimes even though I try to watch it. Thank you for the six stars too, they are appreciated.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A good start to what I'm sure will be an interesting book. You really should add a picture to your post. If you don't FanStory will add one for you. Usually, it has nothing to do with the story. I almost skipped this because I've seen this picture so many times I thought I had already read it.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2016
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A good start to what I'm sure will be an interesting book. You really should add a picture to your post. If you don't FanStory will add one for you. Usually, it has nothing to do with the story. I almost skipped this because I've seen this picture so many times I thought I had already read it.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I didn't realize it needed a picture. Thanks for informing me.
Comment from barkingdog
I felt so sorry for Zeke. He's suffering so with the bullet wound.
You did an excellent job of showing how his discomfort, hunger, and pain built to rage which he had never really experienced before.
Falling and having to huddle under minimal shelter in the rain built further sympathy for the still hungry Zeke.
Finally, he had some relief with the water soothing his wound and a goose dinner to fill his belly.
A suggestion:
-back(.) Zeke sneaks through the
I wish I had a six. This deserves it.
:) e
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2016
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I felt so sorry for Zeke. He's suffering so with the bullet wound.
You did an excellent job of showing how his discomfort, hunger, and pain built to rage which he had never really experienced before.
Falling and having to huddle under minimal shelter in the rain built further sympathy for the still hungry Zeke.
Finally, he had some relief with the water soothing his wound and a goose dinner to fill his belly.
A suggestion:
-back(.) Zeke sneaks through the
I wish I had a six. This deserves it.
:) e
Comment Written 29-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I will edit and correct, thanks for the catch. I'm glad you like the story, I will post more later.
