Mr Werewolf
He wasn't feeling well...8 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I can appreciate the tone of this piece, but the first part with all the animals in the forest seemed to have little to do with the rest of the story. if it wasn't there, the story would be considerably shorter but still lose nothing. Don't get me wrong, the writing and tone is good but it felt a bit superfluous.
'Is that you, Norris? a raspy voice asked. - need closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Hi there,
I can appreciate the tone of this piece, but the first part with all the animals in the forest seemed to have little to do with the rest of the story. if it wasn't there, the story would be considerably shorter but still lose nothing. Don't get me wrong, the writing and tone is good but it felt a bit superfluous.
'Is that you, Norris? a raspy voice asked. - need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Thanks, I'll correct that straightaway .
I quite like the first part myself. It's the background for the story.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly. You tell the story without gore which is a different approach than most entries to this prompt over the years. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly. You tell the story without gore which is a different approach than most entries to this prompt over the years. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Thanks for reading.
Comment from winnona
A very well written contest entry. Your story is imaginative, creative and very good. your well-chosen words make an easily read enjoyable story and i think you have completed the challenge of this contest very well.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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A very well written contest entry. Your story is imaginative, creative and very good. your well-chosen words make an easily read enjoyable story and i think you have completed the challenge of this contest very well.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Winnona. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from frogbook
Quite funny and a very original though. Nicely presented with the font and bold lettering. Poor Dr., a lesson learned I guess-haha Best of luck.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Quite funny and a very original though. Nicely presented with the font and bold lettering. Poor Dr., a lesson learned I guess-haha Best of luck.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for reading.
Comment from Nika2016
I would have liked it if he had drawn back the blanket to expose the body of a duck-billed platypus ...haha..
sorry..its bedtime..
Its a great story with the animal additions..
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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I would have liked it if he had drawn back the blanket to expose the body of a duck-billed platypus ...haha..
sorry..its bedtime..
Its a great story with the animal additions..
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Yeah, it would have been more original... My ending was a bit flat.
Thanks for reading.
Comment from Alex Rosel
It was three in the morning and bitterly cold, but at least it was not totally dark. There was a full moon in the sky that illuminated the whole forest with an eerie light. - This sets the scene well. It puts the reader in the frame :-)
So repetitive, so mechanical. - I like this. A great description conveyed with an economy of words :-)
There were tiny little blue lights everywhere. It was the fireflies fluttering around... doing I don't know what. - I'd move the ellipse to after doing. I think it's more effective.
Lots of things go on, maybe more than during the day. - I'd give this more impact by deleting the unnecessary. Lots goes on, maybe more than during the day.
Suddenly, a dark figure appeared. - I'm from the Elmore Leonard school that believes suddenly should be expunged from the English language. (Google Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules For Writers.) Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
It seemed to be a young man carrying a case. - You are writing with a passive voice. This is one example. Make it active, It is a young man carrying a case.
I'd have preferred a stronger conclusion. For flash fiction to work, there is usually the need for it to finish with a twist that the reader isn't expecting, nor saw coming.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. You have a nice flowing writer's voice, but try to adopt a more active style. Using a passive style detracts from the impact of your prose. You handle the sections of dialogue well. You don't include unnecessary tags, and yet it is clear who's speaking. I enjoyed reading it. Well done.
As an aside, do you know the picture shows Corfe Castle. I visit it regularly.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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It was three in the morning and bitterly cold, but at least it was not totally dark. There was a full moon in the sky that illuminated the whole forest with an eerie light. - This sets the scene well. It puts the reader in the frame :-)
So repetitive, so mechanical. - I like this. A great description conveyed with an economy of words :-)
There were tiny little blue lights everywhere. It was the fireflies fluttering around... doing I don't know what. - I'd move the ellipse to after doing. I think it's more effective.
Lots of things go on, maybe more than during the day. - I'd give this more impact by deleting the unnecessary. Lots goes on, maybe more than during the day.
Suddenly, a dark figure appeared. - I'm from the Elmore Leonard school that believes suddenly should be expunged from the English language. (Google Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules For Writers.) Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
It seemed to be a young man carrying a case. - You are writing with a passive voice. This is one example. Make it active, It is a young man carrying a case.
I'd have preferred a stronger conclusion. For flash fiction to work, there is usually the need for it to finish with a twist that the reader isn't expecting, nor saw coming.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. You have a nice flowing writer's voice, but try to adopt a more active style. Using a passive style detracts from the impact of your prose. You handle the sections of dialogue well. You don't include unnecessary tags, and yet it is clear who's speaking. I enjoyed reading it. Well done.
As an aside, do you know the picture shows Corfe Castle. I visit it regularly.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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Thanks for your review, Alex. I've made some of the changes you suggested, but kept some other things as they were. As I've told you before I can be stubborn that way.
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It's not stubbornness; every writer has, and definitely should have, their own style :-)
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True, it would be boring if we all wrote similarly.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Touch of humor thrown into this for good measure.
The ending could use reworking, or restating, as written, it seems to be a fall off from the rest of the story.
This incident would be quite a fascinating one to experience no doubt.
Caught my interest because it is about a wolf. My favorite animal.
Should make for an interesting entry into this contest.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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Touch of humor thrown into this for good measure.
The ending could use reworking, or restating, as written, it seems to be a fall off from the rest of the story.
This incident would be quite a fascinating one to experience no doubt.
Caught my interest because it is about a wolf. My favorite animal.
Should make for an interesting entry into this contest.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for reading.
Comment from oliver818
This is a good story. Interesting ideas packed into it. I'm not sure what the deal was with the hedgehog and the skunk, just for fun I suppose? I hope the werewolf gets better. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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This is a good story. Interesting ideas packed into it. I'm not sure what the deal was with the hedgehog and the skunk, just for fun I suppose? I hope the werewolf gets better. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
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Yeah, the animals in the forest are just the background for the story. He will get better, don't worry.
Thanks for reading!
