These Shoes Were Made for Walking
Let the buyer beware!5 total reviews
Comment from ioana.u
Great story! I liked that you built it around a character and his struggle, and it wasn't the bloody kind of horror. It had creepy and disgusting images but just the right amount. I also liked the idea that you can find evil anywhere and you must be really careful when you choose your words.
Poor Herbert!
Even if the ending wasn't really a surprise, the story advanced so nicely that it didn't matter, I enjoyed every word and every scene.
Good luck in the contest!
Ioana
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Great story! I liked that you built it around a character and his struggle, and it wasn't the bloody kind of horror. It had creepy and disgusting images but just the right amount. I also liked the idea that you can find evil anywhere and you must be really careful when you choose your words.
Poor Herbert!
Even if the ending wasn't really a surprise, the story advanced so nicely that it didn't matter, I enjoyed every word and every scene.
Good luck in the contest!
Ioana
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Thank you for your review, ioana.u, it is very much appreciated. I could have made Herbert's suffering a lot worse, but I wanted him to retain a modicum of dignity. I think I succeeded there.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this a lot. much more subtle in its depiction of horror than some others I have read, and all the better for it. It reminded me a little bit of King's 'Thinner' although that was a curse.
Good tension and imagery throughout.
stared at the expansive and tinted plate-glass window - very minor but you could do away with the 'and' here.
The principal had worked wonders - I think in this instance it is principle.
Be careful of overusing adverbs. Well placed ones are invaluable but overuse can come across as weak verb usage. Herbert studied the window further- quite a few used in this paragraph alone. Three sentences four adverbs.
Hitching his trousers - this paragraph has a great descriptiveness to it. Clear and precise and economical.
"Now, the store-keeper continued - need closing speech marks after Now,.
it's a think easier said than done - should this be thing?
"I can't even walk pass the pantry door -either eliminate walk or it should be walk past.
fried chicken and mashed potatos - potatoes.
dis-spirited - dispirited.
to the point he was actually start to feel good about himself again - starting.
Yes, my brother, I can," he said - need opening speech marks here.
deflated by the shoes plainness - shoes'.
and did appear, giving the appearance - this reads a little awkward.
You could do away with some of the speech tags as on the given occasions of dialogue here only two people are talking and it is easy to follow who is talking.
Ruth observed her Husband's - I don't think you need to capitalise Husband here.
As his feet carried his past - him.
Pressed against the window was the leering face of the store-keeper - again very nice imagery in this paragraph.
he thought these people looked a lot them. - a lot like them.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this a lot. much more subtle in its depiction of horror than some others I have read, and all the better for it. It reminded me a little bit of King's 'Thinner' although that was a curse.
Good tension and imagery throughout.
stared at the expansive and tinted plate-glass window - very minor but you could do away with the 'and' here.
The principal had worked wonders - I think in this instance it is principle.
Be careful of overusing adverbs. Well placed ones are invaluable but overuse can come across as weak verb usage. Herbert studied the window further- quite a few used in this paragraph alone. Three sentences four adverbs.
Hitching his trousers - this paragraph has a great descriptiveness to it. Clear and precise and economical.
"Now, the store-keeper continued - need closing speech marks after Now,.
it's a think easier said than done - should this be thing?
"I can't even walk pass the pantry door -either eliminate walk or it should be walk past.
fried chicken and mashed potatos - potatoes.
dis-spirited - dispirited.
to the point he was actually start to feel good about himself again - starting.
Yes, my brother, I can," he said - need opening speech marks here.
deflated by the shoes plainness - shoes'.
and did appear, giving the appearance - this reads a little awkward.
You could do away with some of the speech tags as on the given occasions of dialogue here only two people are talking and it is easy to follow who is talking.
Ruth observed her Husband's - I don't think you need to capitalise Husband here.
As his feet carried his past - him.
Pressed against the window was the leering face of the store-keeper - again very nice imagery in this paragraph.
he thought these people looked a lot them. - a lot like them.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 29-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Hi, giraffmang. Extreme thanks for the above comments. Truthfully, the original draft looked nothing like what I posted, including the ending. I'll run though and do a little editing. As for a few of the spelling errors, in Australia some of the spelling is actually correct.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Tightly written with good characterization.
So true that shoes were made for walking.
In more ways than one.
Good horror story.
Should be an interesting entry into this contest.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Tightly written with good characterization.
So true that shoes were made for walking.
In more ways than one.
Good horror story.
Should be an interesting entry into this contest.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Many thanks for you review, Brett Matthew West.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Good story, but not much dialog. Dialog is important. It keeps the story moving and lets the reader feel like he is part of the story.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Good story, but not much dialog. Dialog is important. It keeps the story moving and lets the reader feel like he is part of the story.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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True, Thomas, but I wanted the story to mainly revolve around emotional content and thought. I'd like to think I largely succeeded on that score. While writing the story, even I couldn't help but feel sorry for Herbert for the things I was putting him through. Weight loss is not a thing a lot of people like to discuss let alone admit it's something they need to consider doing.
Comment from jusylee72
Very good story. It definitely kept my interest and the story moved well. It had an interesting concept about wanting to get healthy but running into evil on the way. Very interesting.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2016
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Very good story. It definitely kept my interest and the story moved well. It had an interesting concept about wanting to get healthy but running into evil on the way. Very interesting.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2016
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Thanks, jusylee72. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
