Comment from davisr (Rhonda)

Excellent

Oh, do I know that feeling, my friend! I live on a farm in Texas, and there's nothing like feeling a rain shower coming, and it goes the other way. You've described that feeling beautifully, drawing the reader in in such a way as to make us feel like we're there (which I am, but that's beside the point).

Great job,
Rhonda

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thank you Rhonda. That is so true and then when we finally get relief from the drought. It floods. I love Texas.

reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 24-Jul-2016

You're so right!

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written haibun. After long hot days finally the rain pours down. Although the rain is welcome it also bring fears of damaging floods.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Yes, thank you sandrra. That seems to be our story in
Texas.

Comment from Hayley Solomon

Excellent

Five stars for sure, however, I think you should change your line formatting, the flow will be better. Love the alliteration, assonance, half rhymes,adverbs... all giving movement and flow and being undercut by final three lines. Cruelly has a double el

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thank you so much. What do you mean by formatting? I so appreciate good editing ideas like you gave me. ON my way to spelling cruelly right now.

reply by Hayley Solomon on 24-Jul-2016

hi, just thought all those full stops and run on lines a little staccato. Try commas and new lines for new thoughts.

reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Great ideas. thank you. Another thing I was told about these kind of poems was to vary the line length. But I think what you said about how staccato it is makes it too abrupt. I will keep trying.

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

I enjoyed your haibun. Your prose section is filled with great descriptions of the rain. Your 3 line poem is a bit confusing to me. But good job on the correct syllable count per line.

Suggestions:

'ing' words are frowned on
lowercase letters unless proper nouns
lines 1 & 2 need more of a connection
last line is a satori

You could start something like this:

Texas drought cries
as [I think you are describing the floods that destroyed so much, right}

Please don't think I am a know it all. These are just a few ideas to use to lose. Jan

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

I love that you are honest and confused. That is why I am here. To hear if something isn't clear.

Black cotton releases This is a description of The Black clouds Thunderheads.

I read that a haiku was suppose to have a contrast in the third line. Here I was trying to say what happens so often in texas. " We needed the storm to end the drought but instead we got a flood that destroyed lives. We needed a balance. Rain without the pain of a flood. Obviously I was too vague. Your critique is treasured. That is why we are here to learn

reply by Jannypan (Jan) on 24-Jul-2016

I live in Midland, Texas. We are dry, dry, dry, & hit, hit, hit with wind blowing. I see your clouds reference now--maybe add something to your great lines that gives that to readers. Jan

Comment from Aqua2021

Excellent

This was such a great description! But, electric smells, nitrogen? Huh? I didn't get that. Overall, a great poem! Thanks for sharing!

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016

Lightning puts nitrogen in the soil. I learned that a couple weeks ago. Isn't that fascinating. It enriches the soil to help things grow.

reply by Aqua2021 on 23-Jul-2016

Oh that's interesting! Clever way you incorporated that into your poem!

Comment from michaelcahill

Excellent

Wow. That's some amazing imagery in the prose section of your haibun. Hard to single any one line out it's all so stellar and original. Your senryu, if that's what it is, adds a great deal as a poem, but it isn't exactly true to form. So you may want to read up a bit on haiku/senryu. It's quite workable in concept though. You could do something more with the title too. LOL You know that though. HA!
This is exceptional in potential. You have a great way with words, so original. This is memorable for sure and worth working on. Loved it. mikey

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016

Thank you mikey. I just read your original post. It is suppose to be in first person isn;t it. Like you said I have some thinking to do but that is why we do this. I will look up senryu again. So I quess it should be more of a story with images. hmmm. Thank you so much.

reply by michaelcahill on 23-Jul-2016

Don't mess with it too much, the imagery is amazing. Just kind of look at what a senryu is and kind of tweak it a tad. It's a great piece of poetry. It's just a form thing. Artistically it's killer. :))

Comment from Ricky1024

Excellent

Well written
Now, on to your review!.
Adjective Content was wonderful as well as Objective Content and based on theme and imagery...
And, on a scale of one to one hundred...
100!
RICKY1024

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 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016

Thank you Ricky. I am excited to get a one hundred from you . My first attempt. What a different way of writing. i think I like it.

Comment from Bill Schott

Excellent

This haibun, Rain, connects the troubles brought out in prose, about the good and bad of the rains, with the haiku which reduces it all nicely to the economy of seventeen syllables.

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 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016

Thank you . It was my first attempt. What a challenge. Very different way of writing. Thanks as always Bill.