~ The Cross ~
Futility Personified.21 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
WELL ... You sure know how to write a tense tale, Mel. This was gripping from start (to the long journey ) to the finish. Because of its length you probably didn't get many takers--at least the ones who read it. Those who didn't really missed a great story. The feeling of authenticity was so prominent! This couldn't have all been research. Experience came in somewhere. Are you a NASA spy infiltrating FanStory?
I'm going to make an exception to a one-star deduction for nits since there were only a few types, repeated often. You need to work on your comma use. I didn't even bother to point out comma errors.
Here is what I did find:
Because of this my life is in it's last phase. [... in ITS last phase.]
It will take them a few minutes [either space for new paragraph or bring up to previous line.]
Those three months where I studied are very special to me. [Another paragraph spacing error. In the interest of time, I won't point out any more of that type, but you should, of course, correct your spacing error. Especially without indentation, it can get unpleasant to read. NO way to write that and not sound bitchy, Mel ... not intended.]
How I would like a cup of that street tea right now, [Did you mean "sweet tea"?]
with it's covering of black dust. [with ITS covering...]
peels away to reveal a join near the end, [Is that supposed to be "joint"
In a methodical and well rehearsed routine [...and WELL-REHEARSED routine.]
and turn off all non essential equipment [... all NON-ESSENTIAL equipment >> As above, Mel, two or more adjectives or adverbs modifying a noun must be hyphenated if none of them alone makes sense in its context: "non" doesnt work with equipment; "essential" has the opposite of the intended meaning.]
Despite my need for food. My devotions call [you should have a comma instead of a period, and make the first clause introductory.]
I move the curser to 1 and press play... [It is spelled CURSOR in the US.]
He replaces the phone in it's cradle [... phone in ITS cradle...]
"Dam it." FD Martin has seen enough. [DAMN it ...]
This is ofprime concern--[spacing error.]
The beam melts it's way through to the Lunar base [... melts ITS way ...]
Stunned by the shock wave I lye there at a strange angle. [... I LIE there ...]
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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WELL ... You sure know how to write a tense tale, Mel. This was gripping from start (to the long journey ) to the finish. Because of its length you probably didn't get many takers--at least the ones who read it. Those who didn't really missed a great story. The feeling of authenticity was so prominent! This couldn't have all been research. Experience came in somewhere. Are you a NASA spy infiltrating FanStory?
I'm going to make an exception to a one-star deduction for nits since there were only a few types, repeated often. You need to work on your comma use. I didn't even bother to point out comma errors.
Here is what I did find:
Because of this my life is in it's last phase. [... in ITS last phase.]
It will take them a few minutes [either space for new paragraph or bring up to previous line.]
Those three months where I studied are very special to me. [Another paragraph spacing error. In the interest of time, I won't point out any more of that type, but you should, of course, correct your spacing error. Especially without indentation, it can get unpleasant to read. NO way to write that and not sound bitchy, Mel ... not intended.]
How I would like a cup of that street tea right now, [Did you mean "sweet tea"?]
with it's covering of black dust. [with ITS covering...]
peels away to reveal a join near the end, [Is that supposed to be "joint"
In a methodical and well rehearsed routine [...and WELL-REHEARSED routine.]
and turn off all non essential equipment [... all NON-ESSENTIAL equipment >> As above, Mel, two or more adjectives or adverbs modifying a noun must be hyphenated if none of them alone makes sense in its context: "non" doesnt work with equipment; "essential" has the opposite of the intended meaning.]
Despite my need for food. My devotions call [you should have a comma instead of a period, and make the first clause introductory.]
I move the curser to 1 and press play... [It is spelled CURSOR in the US.]
He replaces the phone in it's cradle [... phone in ITS cradle...]
"Dam it." FD Martin has seen enough. [DAMN it ...]
This is ofprime concern--[spacing error.]
The beam melts it's way through to the Lunar base [... melts ITS way ...]
Stunned by the shock wave I lye there at a strange angle. [... I LIE there ...]
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you Jay, for your kind and most helpful review. I really appreciate that you read my long story. I tried a shorter version first but it didn't work. So I aimed for three thousand words and ended up with over four. Such is life.
I can't seem to absorb the rules of writing English, I do try. Perhaps it's the age. I spent weeks editing, quite a few errors came in with last minute changes.
Am I a NASA spy? Someone involved in rocketry? Well not really. Though I did in my early teens build solid fuel rockets with the help of a school friend. LOL... It started with a desire to make explosives. Yes it's true. What I concocted was low explosives, slow burning, that would only fizz instead of banging. We had the bright Idea of rockets. And they worked well. Apart from one that decided to fly horizontally over a nearby estate. The police were called and we were well and truly banned from our aerial activity. Dad rather wisely steered me in the direction of model aircraft design. So I'm just a bit of a nerd really. LOL Just a piece of trivia.
I've seen to the corrections and taken note of your advice. At the moment I'm engaged in a battle with the punctuation. Thank you again for your time. Have a good day my friend... ~Mel~
Comment from light
This is all consuming. Something that never would have occurred to me. You sound so well informed on the whole subject, including the Islamic info. Wishing you the best with the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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This is all consuming. Something that never would have occurred to me. You sound so well informed on the whole subject, including the Islamic info. Wishing you the best with the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you light, for your kind and encouraging review. It's most appreciated and thanks for the good wishes... ~mel~
Comment from Nika2016
This needs six stars..a well-thought out piece of writing .scientific and creatively written.
It reads like Clancy on the moon..You use British spellings of the words, center and program so you are Australian or British.
Great story!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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This needs six stars..a well-thought out piece of writing .scientific and creatively written.
It reads like Clancy on the moon..You use British spellings of the words, center and program so you are Australian or British.
Great story!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Kika2016, for your kind review. It is much appreciated. I own up to being British, but cannot claim to be a Tom Clancy. It's a pity though. LOL. I'm flattered you found a comparison between us. Have a good weekend... ~Mel~
Comment from country ranch writer
we have to many here in the USA to turn on us and set the world on its end in fear for their lives. too much pain and suffering is going on in this world due to constant attacks
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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we have to many here in the USA to turn on us and set the world on its end in fear for their lives. too much pain and suffering is going on in this world due to constant attacks
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for your review. There is a world wide upsurge in these atrocities and I don't know where they will end... ~Mel~
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me either
Comment from c_lucas
There are enough crazies on earth. Why not have a few in outer space. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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There are enough crazies on earth. Why not have a few in outer space. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Charlie for your kind review. Much appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I wish I had a six left for this post. It's extremely well written. The emotions, and action come out loud and clear. Good luck with the contest.
"You are showing an elevated heart rate Mark. Are you walking?" (comma after rate)
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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I wish I had a six left for this post. It's extremely well written. The emotions, and action come out loud and clear. Good luck with the contest.
"You are showing an elevated heart rate Mark. Are you walking?" (comma after rate)
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Barbara, for your kind review. I've seen to it. It is much appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from janalma
Very well done story. Could be in a published magazine, I think. I know nothing about all the technical stuff, so can't comment on it. Your story is cohesive, tho, and unfolds effectively to keep the reader reading. Has suspense and excitement. Very nice.
One question-- an informed, newly elected President Alan White {is sat} with his advisers. (Should that be, sits?)
Good story that reminds us that many Muslims consider us infidels and would like to kill us. No matter the PC correctness that refuses to acknowledge this.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Very well done story. Could be in a published magazine, I think. I know nothing about all the technical stuff, so can't comment on it. Your story is cohesive, tho, and unfolds effectively to keep the reader reading. Has suspense and excitement. Very nice.
One question-- an informed, newly elected President Alan White {is sat} with his advisers. (Should that be, sits?)
Good story that reminds us that many Muslims consider us infidels and would like to kill us. No matter the PC correctness that refuses to acknowledge this.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Janalma, for your kind review and for the six stars . This is much appreciated. The word should be 'sitting.'
We are I fear hated for what we did during the Crusades in the name of Christianity. Uncounted thousands or maybe a million or two slaughtered. They still remember back 5 - 6 - 7 hundred years. I fear it is still held against us... ~Mel~
Comment from cgpeoples
Absolutely an incredible story! Your words were so descriptive and vivid, I felt like I was right there with you and to me that is so important...not only for the reader but should be a goal for all of us as writers!
Also with terrorism being what it is today there is an important message here.
However, I did find several spelling and grammatical errors so my advice would be to edit, edit, and edit again!
Cindy
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Absolutely an incredible story! Your words were so descriptive and vivid, I felt like I was right there with you and to me that is so important...not only for the reader but should be a goal for all of us as writers!
Also with terrorism being what it is today there is an important message here.
However, I did find several spelling and grammatical errors so my advice would be to edit, edit, and edit again!
Cindy
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Cindy, for your kind and encouraging review. This is much appreciated.
Believe it or not I have spent weeks on this story editing. Sometimes I am blind to my errors... ~Mel~
Comment from Halfree
This story needs some rewrites. Basic rules of punctuation have been ignored , especially in the first paragraph.
Second sentence I have after all....I have,after all, attacked
Monster, the great Satan,
Because of this,
As you read my account,
The comma is ignored in the opening paragaph...you need to use the comma to make the narrative flow.
I think this is a good story but needs some rewrites.
I thought I had sent this review, popped-up as not sent. I
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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This story needs some rewrites. Basic rules of punctuation have been ignored , especially in the first paragraph.
Second sentence I have after all....I have,after all, attacked
Monster, the great Satan,
Because of this,
As you read my account,
The comma is ignored in the opening paragaph...you need to use the comma to make the narrative flow.
I think this is a good story but needs some rewrites.
I thought I had sent this review, popped-up as not sent. I
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Halfree, I haven't ignored the comma. I'm a little blind to some errors, despite weeks of editing. Never heard the term pincushion. I write in UK English... ~Mel~
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Sorry 'bout punctuation. I am the world's worst on keyboard. I do like your story and if you make changes I would like to reread it. Since I have no real way to know when changes are made, I will fan you it that is OK. Would like to read the story again if you do rewrite.
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Ok Halfree, I'm fortunate to be given some help by Jay Squires. It will take me a couple of days at least to sort this out. I have multiple issues with this work. But I would be delighted for you to re-read my story.
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I will read your story again. With pleasure. Give me a couple of days
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
This is a very strong entry into the contest. I read your previous review and there are no other corrections in grammar or punctuation that I can see to make this a better read. Such detail is very impressive. I enjoyed this read very much. You have done the picture more than enough justice with your well-penned story. Great job. Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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This is a very strong entry into the contest. I read your previous review and there are no other corrections in grammar or punctuation that I can see to make this a better read. Such detail is very impressive. I enjoyed this read very much. You have done the picture more than enough justice with your well-penned story. Great job. Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Thank you Susanne, for your kind review. and good wishes. Much appreciated... ~Mel~
