Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Very entertaining piece. I love what the mom did ... made for a perfect ending to what might have caused you a lot of trouble and bad reputation with the adults that would never end. :)

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thanks, Phyllis. All's well that ends well! My parents never did find out about my escapade.

Steve

Comment from nor84

Excellent

I recommend a comma below, as shown in the (,). Can't see much that needs a critique, though.

Having sworn him to secrecy[,] on peril of losing all that was most dear to him - the bracketed comma [,] means I don't think you need one there.

And yes, I agree the perfect crime does exist. A lady in the small town where I live poisoned her husband. She would have gotten away with it, too, except the ER doctor remembered a former husband had been seen for a similar problem and turned her in to police. The second husband survived.

Scraping together the meagre pocket money saved up over a couple of weeks(,) I made cautious and well-planned purchases of an apple, a banana, a packet of chocolate biscuits and a small stash of aniseed wheel lollies, my favourite sweet of the time.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thanks, Norma. Just experimenting in the world of prose for a change.

Steve

reply by nor84 on 24-Jul-2016

Glad to see it. I have been known to occasionally cross over into very simple poetry, lol.

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

Such scandalous skulduggery. In a world totally alien to a modern day Yank. Which makes for a well-written, interesting story. Excellent.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thanks for stopping by.

Steve

Comment from BOO ghost

Excellent

Hum... interesting story. A lot of thought and detail went into this long chapter. Well, I don't mind reading long chapters but a lot of fanstorians hit the skip button in search of a shorter story with the same amount of rewards to earn cent pumps. However, i dd the read the whole story. i never had a criminal mind so BOO does not thinking about things like this, but I admit I done some dumb things as a kid. Well, story held my interest pretty good. Grammar looked OK. I DID NOT SEE ANYTHING THAT STICKED OUT OR MISSPELLED WORDS. I just spagged, my fracking caps lock has a delay because of this wireless B.S! IF i DO SOMETHING WRONG ONE TIME, I AM THE KIND OF GUY THAT GETS CAUGHT red-handed. Nice chapter. bravo. BOO has a house to haunt.BOO!

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thanks, Boo.

yes, I know this is a bit long for some, so thanks for sticking with it.

Now get back to your haunting.

Steve

reply by BOO ghost on 24-Jul-2016

wELL, I used to write novels. I know the pain when you get less reviews for writing chapters and it is harder work. research and all of that takes one heluva lot of time.iam trying to motivate myself to get back in the game and finish a novel i started. I need a boot up BOO's ass! lol!

Comment from Nika2016

Excellent

Was it even a crime? Boys do things like this as rites of passage. Your intent was sleep, not burglary or theft. At best, it was trespass.
Still...it was a good story!
Shine on...

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 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thanks, Nika.

Of course it was not really a crime - I think the story says that

Thanks for reading and reviewing.

Steve

Comment from Hayley Solomon

Exceptional

I can't believe you didn't get my long, long review!
This is immensely good. I totally adored it. want to read it to friends and family, and will certainly be taking those tips, as I think up my next piece of mischief...
As for reciprocity, I totally agree with you about annoying inboxes full of alerts so please don's worry, that is not my aim at all on fs... just want to feel my way around.. will probably fade out soon, it is taking heaps of my time, laughing

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Some of us don't have anything better to do. I should probably be spending more time working out ho to get writing to pay, instead of feeling miserable about being rejected by the contest committee again - can't believe my free verse ended up among the bunch of third places!

BTW if you want my opinion on the best prose-writer on the site, look up Humpwhistle. Short stuff rather than novels, amazing variety, very clever and almost always hilarious.

Thanks for the review - sorry O missed the long version.

Steve

reply by Hayley Solomon on 24-Jul-2016

How do I look people up? I would love to take a look... I just find people by mistake or when they land up in my reply box. Take heart, between you and me, when I look a the junk I see very high ranked poets write (not you) I don't mind in the least whether I win or lose, as the criteria baffles me! Face it, Steve, writing is never going to gain us our millions. But we love it...

reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Go to Community, click on 'Find a member', pick a letter of the alphabet, scroll....

Took me a long while to figure out all the stuff available on a member's profile page. Not only can you look through their entire portfolio, but you can also see the reviews they write, as well as those they receive.

Sadly, all rankings depend much more on quantity than quality. Anyone who chooses to post their quota of two pieces per day and then take the time or the trouble to promote them will zoom up the rankings. There are some pretty awful 'poets' in the top twenty.

You'll find quality if you stick around, though.

I have to confess I am not a self-motivated writer. Perhaps I don't write because I love it. FanStory gives me a reason to write, and until I discovered it about five years ago, I didn't write at all.

Give me a contest or offer to pay me and I will write my little heart out.

Comment from mfowler

Exceptional

It sounds very much as if you got away with that weekend escape successfully. Not only did you escape, play the match, and get to share, but you ended up being treated rather well considering your Pink Panther like caper. This is a great entry for the contest as it is not only a personal story told with humour and interest, but also a very fine piece of writing. I really enjoyed the essay's construction as you built the escapade around the premise of being a great committer of crime, given that you had those three rules, which may have evolved later three hindsight. The premise gave the hook and provided the finishing note. In between you sandwiched the slightly self-berating tale that sounded so English I had a muffin and tea as I wrote this. I wish you well with the judges.
Typo:
and finlly a grim determination ...finally

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Mark, thanks a lot for the review and the six stars, and the keen eye for the typo.

Yes, I guess it's a little English-sounding - we still haven't shaken off all of those shackles. I'm glad you thought the book-ending device worked.

Steve

Comment from Ricky1024

Excellent

Thanks for the kind thoughts on this amazing poem!
He on to your review...
Adjective Content was wonderful as well as Objective Content and based on theme and imagery...
And,on a scale of one to one hundred...
100!
RICKY1024

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016

Thanks, Ricky, for the kind words.

Steve