The Garden Door
An Awdl Gynt poem - see notes52 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
It's a great idea, Tony but you haven't quite got the rhyme scheme's cross rhyme in toto yet.
"His garden door of Chinese red,
unhinged, not dead. For still
his ashes feed the flower bed -
his wish they ever will." The "wish" syllable must rhyme with bed
Those secret paths now overgrown
with humble plants he loved, self-sown
by winds that lift a sacred moan
from trees atop his hill. The "top" syllable must rhyme with moan.
I shall not mourn this gentle man
whose yin and yang contrived
to harmonise when magpies sang,
as evensong arrived. The "eve" syllable must rhyme with "sang"
He echoed their sweet song. His soul
inhabits me and makes me whole
as, at his fount, I fill my bowl
with sweetness, honey-hived. The "hon" syllable must rhyme with "bowl"
Sorry about this but it will only be DQd if it isn't right. When you have sorted it I will re-grade.
Second review.
Yes that is spot on now and I really love the poem. A most worthy competitor and a culture that we hear too little of. So much is about the Japanese but the Chinese gets ignored fore the most part. I have up-graded to five although as it stands now and fully compliant with the regs is it worth a six of anyone's stars.
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reply by the author on 21-Jul-2016
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It's a great idea, Tony but you haven't quite got the rhyme scheme's cross rhyme in toto yet.
"His garden door of Chinese red,
unhinged, not dead. For still
his ashes feed the flower bed -
his wish they ever will." The "wish" syllable must rhyme with bed
Those secret paths now overgrown
with humble plants he loved, self-sown
by winds that lift a sacred moan
from trees atop his hill. The "top" syllable must rhyme with moan.
I shall not mourn this gentle man
whose yin and yang contrived
to harmonise when magpies sang,
as evensong arrived. The "eve" syllable must rhyme with "sang"
He echoed their sweet song. His soul
inhabits me and makes me whole
as, at his fount, I fill my bowl
with sweetness, honey-hived. The "hon" syllable must rhyme with "bowl"
Sorry about this but it will only be DQd if it isn't right. When you have sorted it I will re-grade.
Second review.
Yes that is spot on now and I really love the poem. A most worthy competitor and a culture that we hear too little of. So much is about the Japanese but the Chinese gets ignored fore the most part. I have up-graded to five although as it stands now and fully compliant with the regs is it worth a six of anyone's stars.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2016
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My eyes and brain were both dull last night it seems! I entirely missed those additional cross-rhymes. However, I have fixed them now, I think with an effort that has surely earned me an extra egg for breakfast. Thank you for your kindness in saving me from the ignominy of disqualification!
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When I have my eyes fully open I shall get the fine tooth comb out again.
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Eyes now open. I have revisited and re-graded. It is a lovely piece that makes the form look simpler than it is.
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Many thanks, Jim. I had meant to give your a review thumbs up, but pressed the wrong button! Next time!
Comment from Mary Wakeford
It was so strange to read this poem today as we prepare to release the ashes of our cousin's
partner today. There are no coincidences...excellent in imagery and in content, and your metering is consistant with the description defined.
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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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It was so strange to read this poem today as we prepare to release the ashes of our cousin's
partner today. There are no coincidences...excellent in imagery and in content, and your metering is consistant with the description defined.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
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Many thanks, Mary. Pantygynt pointed out to me that I'd omitted one of the cross-rhymes, so I had to re-draft this poem quite a bit this morning to meet contest requiremens. I appreciate the resonance that it set up at this sad time for you. All the best, Tony
