Paranoia
a short story contest entry - character building22 total reviews
Comment from Ricky1024
Paranoia Murder was well written.
Noe Now on to the review...
Adjective Content was wonderful as well as Objective Content and based on theme and imagery...
And, on a scale of one to one hundred...
100!
RICKY1024
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Paranoia Murder was well written.
Noe Now on to the review...
Adjective Content was wonderful as well as Objective Content and based on theme and imagery...
And, on a scale of one to one hundred...
100!
RICKY1024
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Dawn,
I'm sitting on the beach trying to catch up on some reviewing. I like this exercise of dialogue only...you've really laid out the story points and I have created a visual of each character, especially the poor lady that was murdered! Great job!
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Hi Dawn,
I'm sitting on the beach trying to catch up on some reviewing. I like this exercise of dialogue only...you've really laid out the story points and I have created a visual of each character, especially the poor lady that was murdered! Great job!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Dawn. This is a very clever and great quality contest entry. I didn't realise she was quite elderly until the very end. Your notes are interesting as well and make a lot of sense, even to me lol.
Great yarn and good luck in the contest.
Cheers Fez
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G'day Dawn. This is a very clever and great quality contest entry. I didn't realise she was quite elderly until the very end. Your notes are interesting as well and make a lot of sense, even to me lol.
Great yarn and good luck in the contest.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A great job of telling the story with dialogue only, and it takes skill to do that. I tried it with Sunday's potlatch. Good writing and best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
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A great job of telling the story with dialogue only, and it takes skill to do that. I tried it with Sunday's potlatch. Good writing and best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
Comment from Ulla
Hi Dawn, yes I did enjoy it. It's a great way of telling/showing a story with dialogue only. It not only moves the story forward but it paints the characters up to a point, and then it's up to us the reader what we make of it. Great story her and good luck in the contest. All best. Ulla:)))
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Hi Dawn, yes I did enjoy it. It's a great way of telling/showing a story with dialogue only. It not only moves the story forward but it paints the characters up to a point, and then it's up to us the reader what we make of it. Great story her and good luck in the contest. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 19-Jul-2016
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Dawn,
This is a good piece. I know in my writing that I only give a very minimal physical description of my characters. in fact, in 'Michael' I'm not sure I gave a description at all, but let his actions, motivations and words speak for themselves.
I do find however that many readers, particularly here on FanStory are not great with either subtle or reading between the lines. Conversely, a lot of writers think attention to detail is spelling out every little thing! Overwriting.
Good stuff
G
that didn't come from the grocery store, sealed'. - need closing speech marks here.
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Hi Dawn,
This is a good piece. I know in my writing that I only give a very minimal physical description of my characters. in fact, in 'Michael' I'm not sure I gave a description at all, but let his actions, motivations and words speak for themselves.
I do find however that many readers, particularly here on FanStory are not great with either subtle or reading between the lines. Conversely, a lot of writers think attention to detail is spelling out every little thing! Overwriting.
Good stuff
G
that didn't come from the grocery store, sealed'. - need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2016
Comment from frogbook
Well done and did tell the story with dialogue which Is not always easy to accomplish. Clear characters from the people the story was about to the narrators.
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Well done and did tell the story with dialogue which Is not always easy to accomplish. Clear characters from the people the story was about to the narrators.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
Comment from Mary Wakeford
Excellent read and storyline. If this were the opening chapter, I would be hooked.
I knew of a couple, no murder involved, but he was a complete whore in their marriage. After their fourth child together, he got a vasectomy. Guess what, six months later, his lovely, faithful, never waivering wife ends up pregnant. He was
so pissed thinking she had an affair on him, something he'd done to her repeatedly over the years, and filed for divorce. Knowing she had not, she begged him to have his "V" checked...he was so determined it was not him they ended up divorced.
Shortly after, he was checked and bam, the sob had a leaker. They did get back together for a while before ending it again. This reminded me of that couple, which I haven't thought of in about twenty years.
Your conversation is honest and completely believeable as it would have gone down between friends.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Excellent read and storyline. If this were the opening chapter, I would be hooked.
I knew of a couple, no murder involved, but he was a complete whore in their marriage. After their fourth child together, he got a vasectomy. Guess what, six months later, his lovely, faithful, never waivering wife ends up pregnant. He was
so pissed thinking she had an affair on him, something he'd done to her repeatedly over the years, and filed for divorce. Knowing she had not, she begged him to have his "V" checked...he was so determined it was not him they ended up divorced.
Shortly after, he was checked and bam, the sob had a leaker. They did get back together for a while before ending it again. This reminded me of that couple, which I haven't thought of in about twenty years.
Your conversation is honest and completely believeable as it would have gone down between friends.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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What a hypocritical thing, and yet, it's so common - it's fine for men to be 'dawgs' - "Oh, it didn't mean anything!" but a woman's 'loose', has no virtue if she steps outside of a crappy marriage - even when he's neglecting her.
It's especially prevalent in certain cultures too. (Hence the 'culture' mention - it's EXPECTED, and pis*ses me off no end.)
I'm thrilled you liked this so much - I'm not at all sure how it will go over with the judges though - it's not the traditional way to approach the challenge to create and build a story character, so I may re-think before the contest, but darn it all, I am making a point. MANY years ago in a creative writing course I learned that we, as writers, NEED TO give the reader some credit, to allow him or her to fill in some blanks or we come off as insulting, like the reader is too stupid to figure it out.
Do you, as the reader of this dialogue-only, NO DIRECT DESCRIPTION OF THE CHARACTERS, not feel you know them anyway, especially that poor, insecure murder victim?
Duh. I don't know. Of course when I enter a contest I have hopes of winning, but...what's more important is writing what I think is a good entry. To my mind, this is an uncommon approach (on this site) that accomplishes the requirements, and that pleases me.
So...I guess you know how very important it is to me that YOU LIKED IT TOO, so much! I am honored, my friend. (And rather tan changing this before the contest, maybe I will just add some of this response to my notes...)
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Can you imagine you and I living under sharia law...I'd be stoned to death within five minutes of telling those foooookers what I think of them and their suppression of woman and female children.
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That is exactly what I would do, add it to your notes.
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Oh don't even mention stoning! You'll have me blubbering again! Have you seen the movie...wait...I'll get it (again)...
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SH*T! Every time I even see the START of this movie I start to cry...you HAVE to watch it if you haven't seen it, Mary - it is FANTASTIC (but very, very sad, and graphic too). (AND based on fact - this shit still happens!!!)
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I'd be stoned too, and just as fast. Oh God...it hits so close to home. I've led an interesting life, is all I'll say on a public forum...(LOL)
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LMAO...enough said :)
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Can you imagine you and I living under sharia law...I'd be stoned to death within five minutes of telling those foooookers what I think of them and their suppression of woman and female children.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Good job Dawn. I wouldn't think it would work but it's like watching a TV in your mind I guess. I found the story interesting and descriptive enough that I could follow it coherently. Well done dear friend. xx Nancy
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Good job Dawn. I wouldn't think it would work but it's like watching a TV in your mind I guess. I found the story interesting and descriptive enough that I could follow it coherently. Well done dear friend. xx Nancy
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really good, Dawn, it's not easy to write just dialogue and no background, but you did it flawlessly. Well done. And, yes, he was a prick! I hate men who think it's alright for them to cheat, but a crime when the wife/partner does it back. Great little story, my friend. Good luck! xsx Sandra
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That was really good, Dawn, it's not easy to write just dialogue and no background, but you did it flawlessly. Well done. And, yes, he was a prick! I hate men who think it's alright for them to cheat, but a crime when the wife/partner does it back. Great little story, my friend. Good luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
