You Didn't Ask
An older woman finds herself in a dark hole, Where does it .22 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some good tension in this short piece and a peculiar situation introduced.
warm to the touch,comforting warm - space needed before comforting.
I forced myself to breath slowly, evenly - best to avoid adverbs as much as possible and not have them back to back.
My back pushed against the steal door. - steel.
It is aso a good idea to try to avoid the use of 'was' whenever possible. It makes the write passive.
The water raised to my forearms - rose.
The didn't want to kill me - They.
At least now - Perhaps not yet rather than now?
"I'm Sixty One", - comma should be inside the speech marks and the capitals aren't necessary.
"I have three children, two grandchildren, Another grand baby is on the way. I don't know his name yet. not sure why this is here but it needs closing speech marks.
In it's place, a slit in the door opened - the possessive form of it is its (no apostrophe).
With each new renewal bath - you can delete 'new' from here.
I want to read to them, love the - love them.
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 15-Jul-2016
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Hi there,
Some good tension in this short piece and a peculiar situation introduced.
warm to the touch,comforting warm - space needed before comforting.
I forced myself to breath slowly, evenly - best to avoid adverbs as much as possible and not have them back to back.
My back pushed against the steal door. - steel.
It is aso a good idea to try to avoid the use of 'was' whenever possible. It makes the write passive.
The water raised to my forearms - rose.
The didn't want to kill me - They.
At least now - Perhaps not yet rather than now?
"I'm Sixty One", - comma should be inside the speech marks and the capitals aren't necessary.
"I have three children, two grandchildren, Another grand baby is on the way. I don't know his name yet. not sure why this is here but it needs closing speech marks.
In it's place, a slit in the door opened - the possessive form of it is its (no apostrophe).
With each new renewal bath - you can delete 'new' from here.
I want to read to them, love the - love them.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2016
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thank You so much. I wrote it too fast because I only had thirty minutes left on the dead line. I knew it would have a bunch of mistakes. thank you so much I will go back and fix. First I have to print your response so I can get them all.
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Hi, Gmg, I went and made the changes. I also finished the story. The deadline was extended, not enough entries. The story has an ending now. I so appreciate your words. Thank you for helping me.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good story. THey just assumed she would want to be young again. Well so would I ... BUT ... I still my grown kid and my graying hubby. That's far more impt. Nicely done! :)
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reply by the author on 15-Jul-2016
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Good story. THey just assumed she would want to be young again. Well so would I ... BUT ... I still my grown kid and my graying hubby. That's far more impt. Nicely done! :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2016
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thank you , I have a lot of spags to fix since I started writing it an hour before the deadline. But I liked coming up with the concept. Always love hearing from you Phyllis.
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Phyllis. The deadline for this contest was extended, not enough entries. I went back and finished the story. It makes more sense now. I hope you will go back and see the new ending. I rushed it last night. Always like your feedback.
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Great additions. I absolutely LOVE the very last line. BRILLIANT! :)
