Haibun, Being There
Please read notes :))15 total reviews
Comment from djsaxon
Haunting. You continue to step into brave, uncharted waters. Yet another description in the haibun notes outside of what I have read, but it makes so much sense (starting to anyway). The images are concise and always thought provoking. My first humble crack at the form fell a long way short of the plate of greens. better get back on the horse I guess. cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Haunting. You continue to step into brave, uncharted waters. Yet another description in the haibun notes outside of what I have read, but it makes so much sense (starting to anyway). The images are concise and always thought provoking. My first humble crack at the form fell a long way short of the plate of greens. better get back on the horse I guess. cheers - DJ
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thank you - I actually have a book of haibun. I do believe I was one of the first on FS to ever post one, after Vicki B. I know it wasn't a very well known form. It is my favorite. I'm so pleased you liked this one. I'll look forward to your next attempt, though I'm quite sure it did not fall as short as you humbly suggest. :)
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Dawn.
Your notes state a minimum of 100 words, but is there a maximum count?
Clearer and terser 2nd sentence could read, 'False friends'.
3rd sentence maybe, 'Expensive silent telephones', for even more word economy?
I particularly like the hard-hitting, 'Arrogant pricks prosper'. - how true, both financially and emotionally!
Very vivid imagery (the main aim, I think), plus very strong thoughts that end in suicide. A truly uplifting read. LOL.
Excellent senryu/haiku, with the 2nd one's satori in the 1st line.
Top read, and serious thanks for the haibun education.
Cheers, Ray xx
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Hi, Dawn.
Your notes state a minimum of 100 words, but is there a maximum count?
Clearer and terser 2nd sentence could read, 'False friends'.
3rd sentence maybe, 'Expensive silent telephones', for even more word economy?
I particularly like the hard-hitting, 'Arrogant pricks prosper'. - how true, both financially and emotionally!
Very vivid imagery (the main aim, I think), plus very strong thoughts that end in suicide. A truly uplifting read. LOL.
Excellent senryu/haiku, with the 2nd one's satori in the 1st line.
Top read, and serious thanks for the haibun education.
Cheers, Ray xx
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Now I am REALLY upset. I wrote a long reply to this already - detailed - and it's disappeared!
Condensed version - yes, to save my blood pressure rising, I started expanding some sentences a while back - there weren't more than a handful here who had even heard of haibun at the time, and I got tired of reviewers who said they could't understand what was being said. LOL *%$#@!
No, I don't think there's a maximum - in fact, Basho himself wrote one more than 40 pages long at one time (apparently).
All my haibun will be revised (and sentences more fragmented) before publishing. I agree 100% - some sentences don't need to be so complete.
If you are interested, there's a discussion about writing haibun on my profile page right now. :))
Thanks very much, Ray! I'm so pleased you liked this! XX
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Thanks for the great reply, Dawn.
I may check out your page later, as it's lunchtime here now.
Also, before lunch, I need to check out Basho's FORTY page haibun...yer, right. LOL.
Cheers, Ray xx
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Hahahaha - well, it's 7:30 a.m. here, so I'm retiring for the night. LOL.
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I always knew you were weird. LOL. xx
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Still up - 8:05. LOL. NO! Not weird - insomnia - went to bed at 1:45 and couldn't sleep.
Pfffft! < raspberry
Take that! (LOL)-
XX Night, night. (*sweet smile? wait for it...*)
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Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! All I said was I liked pussy. WOOF! Haha.xx
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AaaaaaHAHAHAHAHA! Cover yer eyes, Bub, that kitty isn't yer type.
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Dawn
I didn't realise you were a lover of haibun ... me too! I just love writing them, though don't do enough. I'm so glad I din't miss this one. How amazing. Your theme works so well in this form. I was a little aghast at the ending ... WOW> It popped!!
I love the short, sharp, terse nature of your sentences. Your message is easily understood as the narrator slumps further into hopelessness. I detect strong irony in your first poem and wonder if it lends itself more to the senryu? Of course this is a much debated question in haiku society. I'm still pondering your last poem .. I like the challenge of having to think and consider the AHA moment. Well done, I would have loved to read your potlatch submission, though you're writing so prolifically, I can barely keep up. :))) I'm having a 'fuzzy' day today! LOL Oh well, everyday! Haha! I will try and get to your book of haibun, sounds like I would enjoy myself there. :))) Hugs - Lovi xoxo
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Hi Dawn
I didn't realise you were a lover of haibun ... me too! I just love writing them, though don't do enough. I'm so glad I din't miss this one. How amazing. Your theme works so well in this form. I was a little aghast at the ending ... WOW> It popped!!
I love the short, sharp, terse nature of your sentences. Your message is easily understood as the narrator slumps further into hopelessness. I detect strong irony in your first poem and wonder if it lends itself more to the senryu? Of course this is a much debated question in haiku society. I'm still pondering your last poem .. I like the challenge of having to think and consider the AHA moment. Well done, I would have loved to read your potlatch submission, though you're writing so prolifically, I can barely keep up. :))) I'm having a 'fuzzy' day today! LOL Oh well, everyday! Haha! I will try and get to your book of haibun, sounds like I would enjoy myself there. :))) Hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
Comment from Ulla
Hi Dawn, I'm only starting to get to know about haibun, at it intrigues me. I think you put it into a whole new dimension with this one. Beautiful, and at the same time frightening. Love it. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Hi Dawn, I'm only starting to get to know about haibun, at it intrigues me. I think you put it into a whole new dimension with this one. Beautiful, and at the same time frightening. Love it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Seems "you" reached the end of your rope and saw suicide as the only means of escaping the situations you perceived yourself in.
Too often this happens in real life. Lost people with no hope, future, or anyone to help them out.
Poignant.
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Seems "you" reached the end of your rope and saw suicide as the only means of escaping the situations you perceived yourself in.
Too often this happens in real life. Lost people with no hope, future, or anyone to help them out.
Poignant.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
Comment from DALLAS01
Dawn, this is an excellent haibun. Powerful.
Children kidnapped, abused, killed. (great alliteration of (k)
Plagues, wars, tsunamis, terrorists.
Same with letter (t)
One suggestion on the haiku:
spotless garments
ruined by worldly bloodstains
God's free will gift
When I was reading it the word fabric in place of garments jumped into my mind, indicating the fabric of society.
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Dawn, this is an excellent haibun. Powerful.
Children kidnapped, abused, killed. (great alliteration of (k)
Plagues, wars, tsunamis, terrorists.
Same with letter (t)
One suggestion on the haiku:
spotless garments
ruined by worldly bloodstains
God's free will gift
When I was reading it the word fabric in place of garments jumped into my mind, indicating the fabric of society.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2016
Comment from Gloria ....
Yep this is an incredible haibun, Dawn. The imagery is vivid and tangible, the observations terse and filled with deep insight.
We are fully immersed in this moment in time.
Top notch poem all the way.
Gloria
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Yep this is an incredible haibun, Dawn. The imagery is vivid and tangible, the observations terse and filled with deep insight.
We are fully immersed in this moment in time.
Top notch poem all the way.
Gloria
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
Comment from frogbook
This was quite powerful with excellent descriptions and inventive Haiku. Painted a picture of loneliness and despair as well as disgust with the world and it's atrocities. An exceptional job on this one!
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This was quite powerful with excellent descriptions and inventive Haiku. Painted a picture of loneliness and despair as well as disgust with the world and it's atrocities. An exceptional job on this one!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
Comment from Mary Wakeford
So as I've outed myself so many times before, I'm not familiar with the various elements and restrictions, metering... of poetry.
I do know when I've read poetry that is phenomenal in stirring or awakening something deep inside my soul, whether I can relate to it personally, or feel empathy for someone in a mindset or struggle.
You possess an amazingly talented mind for diversity and depth of expression.
spotless garments -> should the s be capitalized? Works either way
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So as I've outed myself so many times before, I'm not familiar with the various elements and restrictions, metering... of poetry.
I do know when I've read poetry that is phenomenal in stirring or awakening something deep inside my soul, whether I can relate to it personally, or feel empathy for someone in a mindset or struggle.
You possess an amazingly talented mind for diversity and depth of expression.
spotless garments -> should the s be capitalized? Works either way
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
Comment from michaelcahill
I loved this. I'm learning this form so I'm not an expert by any stretch. I've always written my own version. I'm not positive if this strictly adheres to the rules or not. I'm positive I love it as a work of poetic art though. It's beautifully worded and flowing. Both your haiku are just killer in meaning and so thought provoking. Maybe Mountain Ray, Indianairish or Lovinia can give you a more technical review. I can only say, YEAH! mikey
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I loved this. I'm learning this form so I'm not an expert by any stretch. I've always written my own version. I'm not positive if this strictly adheres to the rules or not. I'm positive I love it as a work of poetic art though. It's beautifully worded and flowing. Both your haiku are just killer in meaning and so thought provoking. Maybe Mountain Ray, Indianairish or Lovinia can give you a more technical review. I can only say, YEAH! mikey
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
