The Prisoner
Held Hostage by Ghosts33 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Story depicts the question is it possible for ghosts to really exist and want company doing so?
Some people swear they have seen ghosts.
Story holds enough interest to keep readers engaged throughout it's telling.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Story depicts the question is it possible for ghosts to really exist and want company doing so?
Some people swear they have seen ghosts.
Story holds enough interest to keep readers engaged throughout it's telling.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Thank you for reading and the five stars. I may add a few more details to the story. The poor guy doesn't even have an income.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A nice, different take on the haunted house theme.
She, Grace is her name, is just as real as you and me. - you could improve the flow of this sentence by restructuring it. As it is the sentence has only started before you break it up with the aside. I would think about starting with that. 'Her name is Grace, and she's just as real as you and me."
farm house - farmhouse.
Those old fashioned locks locked inside and out and unlock with a key. - this could do with a little rephrasing to avoid the three lock usages.
gray- haired - gray-haired.
My hair is long and scraggly and I forget to shave most of the time. I do take a bath every day though as cleanliness is one thing Grace is really strict about -only a minor point but scraggly hair and scruffy appearance doesn't seem to fit in with Grace's high standards.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Hi there,
A nice, different take on the haunted house theme.
She, Grace is her name, is just as real as you and me. - you could improve the flow of this sentence by restructuring it. As it is the sentence has only started before you break it up with the aside. I would think about starting with that. 'Her name is Grace, and she's just as real as you and me."
farm house - farmhouse.
Those old fashioned locks locked inside and out and unlock with a key. - this could do with a little rephrasing to avoid the three lock usages.
gray- haired - gray-haired.
My hair is long and scraggly and I forget to shave most of the time. I do take a bath every day though as cleanliness is one thing Grace is really strict about -only a minor point but scraggly hair and scruffy appearance doesn't seem to fit in with Grace's high standards.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the great tips, my friend. Maybe the guy is a little untidy, but he is clean. I was pointing out the fact that he is a little depressed. I do agree with you the word lock is used too much in one sentence. I have till tomorrow so I will see what I can do with it. I want to add a few details too. The poor guy doesn't even have an income. LOL
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
'Please don't let it be that man again (should this be woman?)
I live in a house built in 1885 with ornate wood and a wrap-around porch and some from the spiritual world as well. I have talked to a little girl spirit. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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'Please don't let it be that man again (should this be woman?)
I live in a house built in 1885 with ornate wood and a wrap-around porch and some from the spiritual world as well. I have talked to a little girl spirit. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 11-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I believe my Aunt really does reside in the old house. The man who lives there claims he talks to her all the time.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello PBB,
I'm giving this story six stars for originality. What a fascinating and complex tale, simply told. However, I do think the story lacks some essential details. Renovating a large farm is expensive. Where does your protagonist's income come from? Naming the narrator and his wife would make them more real as characters. Long before either of the spirits appears, there must be strife in the marriage, or the wife wouldn't react as she does when she discovers the door's locked. I think you should have the wife react differently, or explain why their marriage is on the rocks.
Overall, well done. Halloween is just around the corner. Edit your story, and submit it somewhere.
Good luck in the contest!
Lana
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Hello PBB,
I'm giving this story six stars for originality. What a fascinating and complex tale, simply told. However, I do think the story lacks some essential details. Renovating a large farm is expensive. Where does your protagonist's income come from? Naming the narrator and his wife would make them more real as characters. Long before either of the spirits appears, there must be strife in the marriage, or the wife wouldn't react as she does when she discovers the door's locked. I think you should have the wife react differently, or explain why their marriage is on the rocks.
Overall, well done. Halloween is just around the corner. Edit your story, and submit it somewhere.
Good luck in the contest!
Lana
Comment Written 11-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the great review and six stars. I have until tomorrow so I will add some details to the story.
Comment from Steven.K.Daugherty
It was easy to read, nice flow from word to sentence to paragraph. Some sentences could blossom. Don't stifle the creativity by trying to finish too soon.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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It was easy to read, nice flow from word to sentence to paragraph. Some sentences could blossom. Don't stifle the creativity by trying to finish too soon.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Thank you for reading. I will edit and improve the story. It needs more details. The poor guy doesn't even have an income. I do try to keep stories short because a lot of reviewers will not read long stories. When I do that it loses a lot of detail.
Comment from MTF1955
That was a great story. I love ghost stories and this one just fit the bill. I can see why he wouldn't want to hang around after he's dead, he's a prisoner. Death is the onlt escape. Great job. Mary
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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That was a great story. I love ghost stories and this one just fit the bill. I can see why he wouldn't want to hang around after he's dead, he's a prisoner. Death is the onlt escape. Great job. Mary
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. It still needs some work and more details. I will edit and fix some spots. The poor guy doesn't even have an income.
Comment from cterp
Well written story. A bit light on dialog, but it's hard to have dialog with ghosts. I'm glad that you added the line about how he can't leave because of the "invisible rope" because I was going to question that flaw if you didn't.
Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Well written story. A bit light on dialog, but it's hard to have dialog with ghosts. I'm glad that you added the line about how he can't leave because of the "invisible rope" because I was going to question that flaw if you didn't.
Good job.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Yeah, I figured I better have a reason why he didn't just leave. There really is a man who lives in my Aunt Grace's hous and claims he talks to her all the time. Who knows.
Comment from royowen
A great entry in this contest. One of the best ghost stories I've read, the conditional benevolence of Grace makes sense, and obviously Claude loves the house, Grace loves Claude, although I'm not sure what our narrator's name is. An intriguing story, different from the other entries I've read. Quite riveting and articulate, easy to follow, a darn good read, no Spags detected, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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A great entry in this contest. One of the best ghost stories I've read, the conditional benevolence of Grace makes sense, and obviously Claude loves the house, Grace loves Claude, although I'm not sure what our narrator's name is. An intriguing story, different from the other entries I've read. Quite riveting and articulate, easy to follow, a darn good read, no Spags detected, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the kind compliments. This was a fun story to write and is a little bit true. A man lives in my Aunt Grace's house and claims he talks to her about the house all the time. Also, he says she won't let him sell the house or leave. Who knows?
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Haha that's priceless
Comment from Lovinia
Hi prettybluebirds
What a fabulous story. I was entranced right from the beginning and enjoyed every word until the end. Supernatural fiction, but it did seem so real. Your descriptions enabled me to visualize the setting of the farm, and I could feel the love for their home conveyed in different ways from Grace and Claude.
Your narrator seems pretty accepting of his fate, though lonely. What a shame he can't find a companion to suit Grace. Perhaps then some children would be provided who would love the house also. Ah well, that's how it goes. lol I've enjoyed your story very much and found it a wonderful entry for the contest. I haven't read any of the others, though this sounds to me, a strong contender for placement. I wish you the best of luck. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Hi prettybluebirds
What a fabulous story. I was entranced right from the beginning and enjoyed every word until the end. Supernatural fiction, but it did seem so real. Your descriptions enabled me to visualize the setting of the farm, and I could feel the love for their home conveyed in different ways from Grace and Claude.
Your narrator seems pretty accepting of his fate, though lonely. What a shame he can't find a companion to suit Grace. Perhaps then some children would be provided who would love the house also. Ah well, that's how it goes. lol I've enjoyed your story very much and found it a wonderful entry for the contest. I haven't read any of the others, though this sounds to me, a strong contender for placement. I wish you the best of luck. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Lovinia. Also thanks for the six stars, they are much appreciated. This story is a little bit true. There is a man who lives by himself in my Aunt Grace's house. His wife did leave because she said the place was too spooky for her. This man tells me that Grace did lock his wife out of the house several times. I don't know if it's true or not. Who knows?
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Have you written about your Aunt Grace's house before ... I seem to remember, perhaps a true story how you visited the house and its new owner. All the description of the lovely woodwork and the quality of the build. Maybe me, my memory fades these days. I do hope you do well in the contest. I always enjoy how you write. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
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Yes, I wrote a different story about the house last year. It was more true to fact than this one.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
You are a superb storyteller. I loved this story. It had depth, heart and a tone that made me feel like I knew your main character very well. Each one of your characters had authenticity, spoke within the descriptive personalities you awarded them and made the story infinitely more interesting. A really great read.
Now, welcome to the comma challenge club. I swear, when I joined this site, I was infuriated by what I perceived as frustrated old spinster grammar teachers. I even wrote an essay back in 2009 or so entitled Spag Queens. I argued the point that there should be two marks, technical and creative, and was totally pissed that my reviews came back with a multitude of grammatical corrections.
A very wise critic said to me...have enough self-respect for your skill-set to invest in the rules--the technical language that might get you published. So, at the risk of offending you, below are some, but not all the quirks in your wonderful story that will mark you down and play a role in the judging.
twenty-two years ago--today. Either an em dash--double dash--or a comma.
hand-carved--should have a hyphen. Need an explanation--get JPDuck on your reviewing list--an ex English teacher, and fervent reviewer. Tell him I sent you.
Same here--hand-carved
Barn-raising and barn in the same sentence. Try something else--the--the out-building?
Little over a month--amazing. The em dash is used for emphasis, and while your comma is not technically incorrect, the double dash will give it more strength.
destroy the old woodwork (,) but--comma needed.
This IS when I first met Grace--tense change--should be WAS
struck me ladder(,) insert coma before toppling.
Most pf the time, you need to put a comma before the word BUT
I begin to think--should be began--tense change.
To say she was furious(,) add comma
I swear (,)
every time my wife went outside (,)
fell down the basement stairs (,)
day was over (,)
Think--not sure--hairnet is one word.
Later(,) the ghost told me her name was Grace(,) and--wrong place for the comma
Until the present time(,)
believe them(,)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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You are a superb storyteller. I loved this story. It had depth, heart and a tone that made me feel like I knew your main character very well. Each one of your characters had authenticity, spoke within the descriptive personalities you awarded them and made the story infinitely more interesting. A really great read.
Now, welcome to the comma challenge club. I swear, when I joined this site, I was infuriated by what I perceived as frustrated old spinster grammar teachers. I even wrote an essay back in 2009 or so entitled Spag Queens. I argued the point that there should be two marks, technical and creative, and was totally pissed that my reviews came back with a multitude of grammatical corrections.
A very wise critic said to me...have enough self-respect for your skill-set to invest in the rules--the technical language that might get you published. So, at the risk of offending you, below are some, but not all the quirks in your wonderful story that will mark you down and play a role in the judging.
twenty-two years ago--today. Either an em dash--double dash--or a comma.
hand-carved--should have a hyphen. Need an explanation--get JPDuck on your reviewing list--an ex English teacher, and fervent reviewer. Tell him I sent you.
Same here--hand-carved
Barn-raising and barn in the same sentence. Try something else--the--the out-building?
Little over a month--amazing. The em dash is used for emphasis, and while your comma is not technically incorrect, the double dash will give it more strength.
destroy the old woodwork (,) but--comma needed.
This IS when I first met Grace--tense change--should be WAS
struck me ladder(,) insert coma before toppling.
Most pf the time, you need to put a comma before the word BUT
I begin to think--should be began--tense change.
To say she was furious(,) add comma
I swear (,)
every time my wife went outside (,)
fell down the basement stairs (,)
day was over (,)
Think--not sure--hairnet is one word.
Later(,) the ghost told me her name was Grace(,) and--wrong place for the comma
Until the present time(,)
believe them(,)
Comment Written 10-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Thank you, my friend. Wow, I didn't realize I missed so many commas. I will edit and correct. I thank you again for the grammar lesson. I always appreciate good, helpful reviews and I count on people like you.
