Foxhole Memories
WWII memories4 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi
= I really enjoyed your gripping story.
= Excellent storytelling.
= Made me fell as if I were living it through his eyes.
= All SPAG suggestions made with respect or your writing, so please use or lose as you see fit.
<> ADD: comma == then
=Nora, goodbye(,) and (then) hopped on a bus
<> CHANGE: comma: sister-in-laws TO sisters-in-law
= "Well, does that mean you're going to have six sister(s)-in-law[s]?"
<> ADD: comma
= He yawned(,) and I heard his cot creak underneath him. "Night.
<> ADD: then
= A flash of light, (then) dirt and smoke flew up around him
<> ADD: comma
= stopped roiling from the blast(,) I lay there on the damp earth.
<>ADD: comma == and
= My vision was foggy, going from light to dark, and then back to light.
<>ADD: comma == or == change tense screaming/screamed
=YOURS= "Nick!" I screamed, or I thought I was screaming.
=SUGGEST= "Nick!" I screamed, or I thought I screamed.
<> EDIT: for smoother read == tenses == delete unneeded verbiage ==
=YOURS=
Black boots, caked with mud, kicked at me, rolling me onto my back. A young man knelt down, shouted twisted foreign words directed at me. He jerked my side arm off of me and tossed my rifle several feet away.
=SUGGEST=
Black boots caked with mud kicked at me while rolling me onto my back. A young man knelt beside me as he shouted twisted, foreign words. He jerked my side arm off, grabbed my rifle, and then tossed it several feet away from me.
<> SUGGEST: edit out at least =1= please so close together
= "Please," I whispered. "[Please, in] (In) the name of God, please don't kill me."
<>ADD: comma
= He re-holstered his pistol(,) and drew in a breath(,) as if to steady himself.
= Nora and I celebrated with a small tree(,) and a roast chicken,
= happened between him and Penny and he never
= As they grew(,) they rarely asked me about the war, but when they did(,) it wasn't the battles
<> ADD: hyphen =
Two sides of self(-)proclaimed righteousness that bring out the worst in human beings, all for the sake of being right.
<> ADD: comma
= chaos and destruction(,) all it takes is one act of kindness.
= for who I was (,)and not the uniform I was wearing.
<> EDIT: You may want to consider editing for at least: Preposition ending sentences.
-Adverbs: 3
-Weak Words: 4
-Homonym: 29
-Preposition End: 9
-Passive: 4
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline = Jackie = Jax
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
  |
Hi
= I really enjoyed your gripping story.
= Excellent storytelling.
= Made me fell as if I were living it through his eyes.
= All SPAG suggestions made with respect or your writing, so please use or lose as you see fit.
<> ADD: comma == then
=Nora, goodbye(,) and (then) hopped on a bus
<> CHANGE: comma: sister-in-laws TO sisters-in-law
= "Well, does that mean you're going to have six sister(s)-in-law[s]?"
<> ADD: comma
= He yawned(,) and I heard his cot creak underneath him. "Night.
<> ADD: then
= A flash of light, (then) dirt and smoke flew up around him
<> ADD: comma
= stopped roiling from the blast(,) I lay there on the damp earth.
<>ADD: comma == and
= My vision was foggy, going from light to dark, and then back to light.
<>ADD: comma == or == change tense screaming/screamed
=YOURS= "Nick!" I screamed, or I thought I was screaming.
=SUGGEST= "Nick!" I screamed, or I thought I screamed.
<> EDIT: for smoother read == tenses == delete unneeded verbiage ==
=YOURS=
Black boots, caked with mud, kicked at me, rolling me onto my back. A young man knelt down, shouted twisted foreign words directed at me. He jerked my side arm off of me and tossed my rifle several feet away.
=SUGGEST=
Black boots caked with mud kicked at me while rolling me onto my back. A young man knelt beside me as he shouted twisted, foreign words. He jerked my side arm off, grabbed my rifle, and then tossed it several feet away from me.
<> SUGGEST: edit out at least =1= please so close together
= "Please," I whispered. "[Please, in] (In) the name of God, please don't kill me."
<>ADD: comma
= He re-holstered his pistol(,) and drew in a breath(,) as if to steady himself.
= Nora and I celebrated with a small tree(,) and a roast chicken,
= happened between him and Penny and he never
= As they grew(,) they rarely asked me about the war, but when they did(,) it wasn't the battles
<> ADD: hyphen =
Two sides of self(-)proclaimed righteousness that bring out the worst in human beings, all for the sake of being right.
<> ADD: comma
= chaos and destruction(,) all it takes is one act of kindness.
= for who I was (,)and not the uniform I was wearing.
<> EDIT: You may want to consider editing for at least: Preposition ending sentences.
-Adverbs: 3
-Weak Words: 4
-Homonym: 29
-Preposition End: 9
-Passive: 4
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline = Jackie = Jax
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
-
Thank you.:))
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a really good response to this competition challenge.
Very well written and moving without being over the top in either brutality, violence or sentimentality.
Best of luck
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
|
Hi there,
This is a really good response to this competition challenge.
Very well written and moving without being over the top in either brutality, violence or sentimentality.
Best of luck
GMG
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
-
Thank you for your kind review and good wishes.
Comment from RodG
I'm curious what book (and sentence) inspired this story. I like how you have introduced your two characters and how you humanized the enemy.
We can easily understand how & why the narrator learned his lesson. Although the setting was more than 70 years ago, you made the events seem like yesterday.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
|
I'm curious what book (and sentence) inspired this story. I like how you have introduced your two characters and how you humanized the enemy.
We can easily understand how & why the narrator learned his lesson. Although the setting was more than 70 years ago, you made the events seem like yesterday.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
-
The book is Serenade to the Big Bird, by B. Stiles. One of the most fascinating WWII books I have ever read. Stiles was a poet and his talent shines through on every page. Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Jay Squires
You are a heckova good writer, my anonymous friend. There are tell-tale signs that show you have paid your dues and have a lot of writing under your belt. Either that or you are a natural. In either case you have the skill-set in place. The only think I pointed out are the things that most of us slip up on. Nothing major. Since many of the things I indicated were duplicates of the same SPAG, I didn't deduct a star as I normally would.
Here are my concerns:
blond haired, blue eyed, goose stepping devils, and the other soulless, slanty eyed Japs. [blond-haired, blue-eyed, goose-stepping devils, and the other soulless, slanty-eyed Japs. >> when two or more adjectives are used to modify a noun, and one of them can't stand alone and make sense, you must connect with a hyphen: you couldn't say "haired devils," nor could you say "goose devils" or "stepping" devils, so you must hyphenate. ]
Kissed my young bride, Nora, goodbye and hoped on a bus [... Goodbye and HOPPED on a bus.]
I was good at it. [I was good at SHOOTING A GUN." Otherwise, "it" refers to cursing, one-handed push-ups, etc.]
But I never cottoned to killing things. My momma taught me life was precious. All life, from bugs to people, we're made by the hand of God. [This doesn't follow the previous sentence about killing squirrels and rabbits. Not the way you phrased it. To be relevant you at least need to show his remorse AFTER killing the squirrels and rabbits.]
The night air filtered through the mesh screens over the window. The muffled sounds of artillery and distant bombings mixed in with the chirping of the crickets outside. [This is a fine piece of narrative. It brings the reader right inside the barracks with you.]
I remember holding her as she cried sitting on the bathroom floor. ["I REMEMBERED holding her ..." You need to keep it in the past tense. Otherwise the "I" is the writer remembering, which pulls the reader out of the dramatic moment.]
The sky bloomed pale like summer lightning.[Another gorgeous piece of description. You are good!]
He yawned and I heard his cot creak underneath him. [You really know how to keep the reader in that barracks. You've really intensified the feeling of darkness.]
My mind playing tricks on me as I watched German soldiers easing out of the surrounding landscape. [My mind WAS ? playing tricks ... Or I think better, "My mind played tricks on me as ..."]
Two sides of self proclaimed righteousness [self-proclaimed righteousness]
I found your post entertaining and intelligent. God Bless.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
|
You are a heckova good writer, my anonymous friend. There are tell-tale signs that show you have paid your dues and have a lot of writing under your belt. Either that or you are a natural. In either case you have the skill-set in place. The only think I pointed out are the things that most of us slip up on. Nothing major. Since many of the things I indicated were duplicates of the same SPAG, I didn't deduct a star as I normally would.
Here are my concerns:
blond haired, blue eyed, goose stepping devils, and the other soulless, slanty eyed Japs. [blond-haired, blue-eyed, goose-stepping devils, and the other soulless, slanty-eyed Japs. >> when two or more adjectives are used to modify a noun, and one of them can't stand alone and make sense, you must connect with a hyphen: you couldn't say "haired devils," nor could you say "goose devils" or "stepping" devils, so you must hyphenate. ]
Kissed my young bride, Nora, goodbye and hoped on a bus [... Goodbye and HOPPED on a bus.]
I was good at it. [I was good at SHOOTING A GUN." Otherwise, "it" refers to cursing, one-handed push-ups, etc.]
But I never cottoned to killing things. My momma taught me life was precious. All life, from bugs to people, we're made by the hand of God. [This doesn't follow the previous sentence about killing squirrels and rabbits. Not the way you phrased it. To be relevant you at least need to show his remorse AFTER killing the squirrels and rabbits.]
The night air filtered through the mesh screens over the window. The muffled sounds of artillery and distant bombings mixed in with the chirping of the crickets outside. [This is a fine piece of narrative. It brings the reader right inside the barracks with you.]
I remember holding her as she cried sitting on the bathroom floor. ["I REMEMBERED holding her ..." You need to keep it in the past tense. Otherwise the "I" is the writer remembering, which pulls the reader out of the dramatic moment.]
The sky bloomed pale like summer lightning.[Another gorgeous piece of description. You are good!]
He yawned and I heard his cot creak underneath him. [You really know how to keep the reader in that barracks. You've really intensified the feeling of darkness.]
My mind playing tricks on me as I watched German soldiers easing out of the surrounding landscape. [My mind WAS ? playing tricks ... Or I think better, "My mind played tricks on me as ..."]
Two sides of self proclaimed righteousness [self-proclaimed righteousness]
I found your post entertaining and intelligent. God Bless.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
-
Thank you for your alerts and suggestions. I appreciate your help and review.
