Little Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 414 "Water Lovers"Small and Specialty Poems
11 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
The thrill of speeding over the water is evident in every word of this. A joyful poem with a theme well suited to the Awdl Gynt. Great fun, with some apposite safety advice thrown in!
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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The thrill of speeding over the water is evident in every word of this. A joyful poem with a theme well suited to the Awdl Gynt. Great fun, with some apposite safety advice thrown in!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Thank you Tony.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Treischel. I enjoyed reading your very nice poem with good rhyme. Your photo, too, is good and a fine accompaniment to your poem. Please check out line 1 and 3 in which I count 9 syllables. I think this is an easy fix so I have given five stars. Marilyn
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Hi Treischel. I enjoyed reading your very nice poem with good rhyme. Your photo, too, is good and a fine accompaniment to your poem. Please check out line 1 and 3 in which I count 9 syllables. I think this is an easy fix so I have given five stars. Marilyn
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you BeasPeas, yes I did, as my notes stated, I used feminine iambic tetrameter on those lines, which is an acceptable iambic convention.
Comment from Joan E.
You live in the Land of Lakes--so, your love of water is innate and certainly comes through in this poem. I enjoyed the form with its rhythm plus end and internal rhymes. Well done and best wishes in the contest- Joan
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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You live in the Land of Lakes--so, your love of water is innate and certainly comes through in this poem. I enjoyed the form with its rhythm plus end and internal rhymes. Well done and best wishes in the contest- Joan
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Thank you Joan, for the review and wishes.
Comment from Preston McWhorter
Hi, Treischel,
"Water Lovers" is an excellent poem with a complicated rhyme scheme, structure and an an iambic meter. It has good figurative language; "for whom there are joy raves" is a fresh metaphor. The simple rhyme is good;water borne/inborn/morn. I did not identify any slant rhymes. Thanks for the geography lesson.
Your friend and colleague,
Preston
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Hi, Treischel,
"Water Lovers" is an excellent poem with a complicated rhyme scheme, structure and an an iambic meter. It has good figurative language; "for whom there are joy raves" is a fresh metaphor. The simple rhyme is good;water borne/inborn/morn. I did not identify any slant rhymes. Thanks for the geography lesson.
Your friend and colleague,
Preston
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016
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Thank you Preston for another astute review.
Comment from PoemsOfDD
Treischel, this is a well wriiten and nicely rhymed poem. I totally get the descriptive way you have written this piece and your thorough end notes. I have lived by the water for many years so I understand the freedom that water offers.
Just one comment if I may and it is probably my ignorance but -
"to moist reborn mores" - I get what you are trying to say here in this last line. However, the word "mores" confused me somewhat. What am I missing? ~DD
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Treischel, this is a well wriiten and nicely rhymed poem. I totally get the descriptive way you have written this piece and your thorough end notes. I have lived by the water for many years so I understand the freedom that water offers.
Just one comment if I may and it is probably my ignorance but -
"to moist reborn mores" - I get what you are trying to say here in this last line. However, the word "mores" confused me somewhat. What am I missing? ~DD
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you PoemsOfDD. I was trying to convey a fellowship with those on the water that are reborn every summer.
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Ok, I see that more clearly now.
Comment from poetbear
I didn't see your name until then end and I knew you wrote it.
Great photo.
Masterfully written with great use of vocabulary and poetic technique.
A gem. Great read that leaves a meaning and a sigh!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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I didn't see your name until then end and I knew you wrote it.
Great photo.
Masterfully written with great use of vocabulary and poetic technique.
A gem. Great read that leaves a meaning and a sigh!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you Poetbear. I loved your comments and the stars were a luscious topping.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
We had some pretty harrowing experiences on Lake Meade while trolling for Strippers and Bass.. People who were skying would cross over our lines. We were so afraid they would get tore up by our lures. They had to see we had lines in the water, but didn't know about trolling. It was dangerous. Good info here Tom. Well done Awdl Gynt. Good Luck. Nancy
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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We had some pretty harrowing experiences on Lake Meade while trolling for Strippers and Bass.. People who were skying would cross over our lines. We were so afraid they would get tore up by our lures. They had to see we had lines in the water, but didn't know about trolling. It was dangerous. Good info here Tom. Well done Awdl Gynt. Good Luck. Nancy
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Stank you Nancy. I know what you mean. Some people are inconsiderate, or just plain stupid.
Comment from Pantygynt
Since this is entered for a contest it will be subjected to scrutinization by the committee for strict compliance with the rules of the form. This is quite complex here because of the cross rhyme requirements. So many are not getting this right Yeltel, the contest sponsor has asked me to act like a filter and award a 4 to anyone who hasn't got this aspect 100% with the rider that if it is corrected I will re-review and upgrade as required. Better to get it right now than risk a DQ later. The easiest way is for me to copy and paste the enty and check it out.
The meter should be iambic throughout Here is the required rhyme scheme:
x x x x x x x a
x x x x x a x b
x x x x x x x a
x a x x x b
x x x x x x x c
x x x x x x x c
x x x x x x x c
x x x c x b
Second review.
The Land of Lakes and bluest waters, (Feminine endings are OK)
We often totter on. (OK rhyme and meter)
We have become Jet Boat and Yachters, (Feminine endings are OK)
where daughter's dreams belong. (OK rhyme and meter)
For water-love clings to our souls, (OK rhyme and meter)
at fav'rite parks and water holes, (OK rhyme and meter)
on motorcraft with speed controls, (OK rhyme and meter)
with kids it trolls along. (OK rhyme and meter)
There is a thrill to flinging spume, (Meter OK)
so high they loom o'er waves, (OK rhyme and meter)
creating such a soggy plume, (OK rhyme and meter)
for whom there's joyful raves. (OK rhyme and meter)
So, gather up your bathing suits. (OK rhyme and meter)
Make sure life-jacket constitutes (OK rhyme and meter)
your water playtime attributes, (OK rhyme and meter)
and all recruits behave. (OK rhyme and meter)
For then there's fun for everyone (Meter OK)
on summer's sunny days. (OK rhyme and meter)
The kind that just can't be outdone, (OK rhyme and meter)
begun in careful ways. (OK rhyme and meter)
This type of sport is waterborne, (OK rhyme and meter)
and here, it is a trait inborn, (OK rhyme and meter)
to seek a creek from early morn, (OK rhyme and meter)
to moist reborn mores. (OK rhyme and meter)
A completely clean bill of health well done. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Since this is entered for a contest it will be subjected to scrutinization by the committee for strict compliance with the rules of the form. This is quite complex here because of the cross rhyme requirements. So many are not getting this right Yeltel, the contest sponsor has asked me to act like a filter and award a 4 to anyone who hasn't got this aspect 100% with the rider that if it is corrected I will re-review and upgrade as required. Better to get it right now than risk a DQ later. The easiest way is for me to copy and paste the enty and check it out.
The meter should be iambic throughout Here is the required rhyme scheme:
x x x x x x x a
x x x x x a x b
x x x x x x x a
x a x x x b
x x x x x x x c
x x x x x x x c
x x x x x x x c
x x x c x b
Second review.
The Land of Lakes and bluest waters, (Feminine endings are OK)
We often totter on. (OK rhyme and meter)
We have become Jet Boat and Yachters, (Feminine endings are OK)
where daughter's dreams belong. (OK rhyme and meter)
For water-love clings to our souls, (OK rhyme and meter)
at fav'rite parks and water holes, (OK rhyme and meter)
on motorcraft with speed controls, (OK rhyme and meter)
with kids it trolls along. (OK rhyme and meter)
There is a thrill to flinging spume, (Meter OK)
so high they loom o'er waves, (OK rhyme and meter)
creating such a soggy plume, (OK rhyme and meter)
for whom there's joyful raves. (OK rhyme and meter)
So, gather up your bathing suits. (OK rhyme and meter)
Make sure life-jacket constitutes (OK rhyme and meter)
your water playtime attributes, (OK rhyme and meter)
and all recruits behave. (OK rhyme and meter)
For then there's fun for everyone (Meter OK)
on summer's sunny days. (OK rhyme and meter)
The kind that just can't be outdone, (OK rhyme and meter)
begun in careful ways. (OK rhyme and meter)
This type of sport is waterborne, (OK rhyme and meter)
and here, it is a trait inborn, (OK rhyme and meter)
to seek a creek from early morn, (OK rhyme and meter)
to moist reborn mores. (OK rhyme and meter)
A completely clean bill of health well done. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you Pantygynt. In Welsh poetry, the placement of the cross rhyme is flexible. To that end, the cross rhyme in S1, L8 is trolls, and the cross rhyme in S3L8 the cross rhyme is reborn. Also, welsh poets allowed Trochaic lines, so I'm disappointed that you made iambic a requirement. In fact, I was using your Year on the Farm 1 as a model, and you used trochee there, but I see you made it so, so I'll fix it. I did miss the "a" cross rhymes in L2 of all stanzas.
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You are of course right about Welsh poetry and I suppose the name of the form (coined by Carol (ciliverde) not me) led you down that path, but I wanted the variations to be specific and placed on different stressed syllables. Also I was concerned that individual variatiations would be jumped on by the committee possibly leading to disqualification. It isn't really difficult just finnicky sorry.
Anyway you can get your own back soon as I shall be be posting my amphibrach very soon now. I will look again at yours after giving you some time to correct.
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The reason for the Welsh allowing trochaic meter is probably historical. The Welsh language unlike English does not fall readily into iambic rhythms.
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Ok Pantygynt, I think it's fixed now.
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I will go and look.
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I added a note that I used feminine iambic meter in line 1 and 3 of the poem.
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I will bear that in mind. Thanks.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excelent write, treischel, you did an excellent job writing this new style poem about the fun that can be found in the water. i like to swim in a pool, lay out in the sun at the beach and find the river in a boat. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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this is an excelent write, treischel, you did an excellent job writing this new style poem about the fun that can be found in the water. i like to swim in a pool, lay out in the sun at the beach and find the river in a boat. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you sweetwoodjax.
Comment from Eric1
Hi Tom, this is a very good entry for this particular competition, I think you have interpreted the poem and Jim's style perfectly, your words are beautifully descriptive with excellent flow and I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Hi Tom, this is a very good entry for this particular competition, I think you have interpreted the poem and Jim's style perfectly, your words are beautifully descriptive with excellent flow and I wish you the very best of luck in the contest my friend.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you Eric.
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You are welcome my friend.
