The Warning
A visit from my 100 year old self32 total reviews
Comment from jpduck
A fascinating concept. It leaves one wondering if the old lady was the outcome of having left her husband, or stayed with him. Did the narrator become the old lady -- or perhaps not? If it didn't have to be kept to flash fiction length, that could have been explored in a more extended way. Not unlike the theme of my novel, 'Time & Again' (posted on FS).
Bits & pieces. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Something about the elderly woman drew my attention. I don't know what it was [about her]' (You really don't need the 'about her').
'She was staring at me in a strange, piercing manner' (You already used 'strange' in the previous sentence. Perhaps 'curious' would do instead).
'I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was but it drew me like a moth to flame. She motioned for me to come to her but I was dubious. I mean, I didn't know this woman, why waste my precious time on her?' (There seems to be a contradiction here. The simplest solution would be to delete 'but it drew me like a moth to flame'. It's a good metaphor, I know, but I think you should save it for another story).
'Then it was [like] *as if* some strange force spun me around' (Just a suggestion; 'like' tends to be very over-used).
Adrian
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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A fascinating concept. It leaves one wondering if the old lady was the outcome of having left her husband, or stayed with him. Did the narrator become the old lady -- or perhaps not? If it didn't have to be kept to flash fiction length, that could have been explored in a more extended way. Not unlike the theme of my novel, 'Time & Again' (posted on FS).
Bits & pieces. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Something about the elderly woman drew my attention. I don't know what it was [about her]' (You really don't need the 'about her').
'She was staring at me in a strange, piercing manner' (You already used 'strange' in the previous sentence. Perhaps 'curious' would do instead).
'I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was but it drew me like a moth to flame. She motioned for me to come to her but I was dubious. I mean, I didn't know this woman, why waste my precious time on her?' (There seems to be a contradiction here. The simplest solution would be to delete 'but it drew me like a moth to flame'. It's a good metaphor, I know, but I think you should save it for another story).
'Then it was [like] *as if* some strange force spun me around' (Just a suggestion; 'like' tends to be very over-used).
Adrian
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. This story was a real rush job as I had less than an hour to get it in the contest. I was not happy with the finished writing but did not have time to re-write. I wanted to enter this contest but was busy all day doing living things and couldn't get to it until the last minute. I appreciate the five stars you gave me despite my sloppy work. I will edit when I have time.
Comment from WalkerMan
This brief story is a plausible account of a warning from one's future self about one's present life error and its consequences if not altered. The irony is that the justification for the warning can only be verified by not heeding it and thus suffering the predicted consequences. Well done.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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This brief story is a plausible account of a warning from one's future self about one's present life error and its consequences if not altered. The irony is that the justification for the warning can only be verified by not heeding it and thus suffering the predicted consequences. Well done.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my friend. This story was rather rushed and I wish it could have been better. Thanks for reading.
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Short-notice contests don't bring out one's best work. Yet, your story was certainly good enough to get the point across clearly and believably; so don't fret it. I'm a picky enough reader (especially on technical issues of spelling, punctuation, and grammar -- my expertise) that either I would have mentioned errors found and proposed corrections or, if there were too many (or I just didn't like the piece) I would have skipped it. I don't review just for the points and FS cash. If I like a poem or story, I'll review it even for 1 point and 2 cents; if I don't, I'll skip it even if it would have paid 14 points and more than a dollar of FS cash. -- Mike
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Thank you. A review from someone like you is worth ten that are just for cash.
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You are welcome. The original point of peer reviewing is to help authors improve. The need to review to raise FS cash to support posting for visibility to potential reviewers of one's own work subverts that principle to the extent that reviewers feel rushed to do as many as possible rather than take the time to review with care and consideration. My view is that anything worth doing at all deserves one's best efforts. It takes huge amounts of time, delaying my non-FS projects; but the alternative is to login here far less frequently (a choice I have not yet made but might have to sometime soon). I don't have extra real cash to buy FS cash. -- Mike
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I think you are right. Most reviewers don't really say anything of value. Just write something down quick and go.
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Yes, that's the unfortunate part of having to review a lot to earn enough FS cash to post and promote. It introduces a mercenary element that too often overrides the help-your-fellow-writer-improve aspect. Worse, those who can afford to pay more get the most reviews, which can skew the judging in at least some of the contests. -- Mike
Comment from Kooky Clown
A very clever and thought provoking read what if we could meet ourselves at the age of 100. what a weird and strange experience that would be I just can't imagine it and then would we take any notice anyway.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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A very clever and thought provoking read what if we could meet ourselves at the age of 100. what a weird and strange experience that would be I just can't imagine it and then would we take any notice anyway.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my kooky friend. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was eerie. I wonder if we had the chance to change our lives in that way, would we do it? Or, like your character, would we decide the person was nuts and carry on regardless? Interesting thought. Excellent prompt response, very well done. Good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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That was eerie. I wonder if we had the chance to change our lives in that way, would we do it? Or, like your character, would we decide the person was nuts and carry on regardless? Interesting thought. Excellent prompt response, very well done. Good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I wish I could have had more time with this story. I only had fifteen minutes to get this written and in the contest. I could have made it read much better.
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Perhaps you can do it once the voting has finished. Change the title, and make a really good short story of it. I think it has great possibilities. xx
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Thanks, I think it could be a great story too if written over.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good story. She should have listened to her old self and left the man. She'd have her son and most likely a much better life. But we never listen to advice, even our own. :)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Good story. She should have listened to her old self and left the man. She'd have her son and most likely a much better life. But we never listen to advice, even our own. :)
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this story. It means a lot to me.
Comment from c_lucas
What would my centurion say to me? I do not expect to every know This is a very original post. It is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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What would my centurion say to me? I do not expect to every know This is a very original post. It is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and comment on it.
Comment from Zue65
This is an excellent supernatural flash fiction and I TREMENDOUSLY ENJOYED READING IT. The story progressed smoothly and all the elements gelled to create a well written, tightly knit story. God bless.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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This is an excellent supernatural flash fiction and I TREMENDOUSLY ENJOYED READING IT. The story progressed smoothly and all the elements gelled to create a well written, tightly knit story. God bless.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Comment from GoodHearted Woman
That was a great flash fiction--imagine that happening.
I can hear the music to twilight zone in my head as I type.
Was she a ghost, do you suppose? Anyway, this builds suspense and then in the end we don't get to know anyway--bummer. But you did a good job and I enjoyed it. GoodHearted Woman
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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That was a great flash fiction--imagine that happening.
I can hear the music to twilight zone in my head as I type.
Was she a ghost, do you suppose? Anyway, this builds suspense and then in the end we don't get to know anyway--bummer. But you did a good job and I enjoyed it. GoodHearted Woman
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I appreciate your input on this story. It needs more work but I didn't have the time yesterday. i don't recognize your username, are you new?
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I joined May 4th or 6th as I recall. So yes, new. Still struggling to catch on to things that others find a piece of cake. My real name is Marcia (pronounced with the "sh".
Comment from barkingdog
Well, you managed to give me chills. Imagine you being able to go back in time and warn yourself to change direction. If only we could do that, the world might be a better place.
Well, done.
Good luck in the contest.
- like a moth to flame. (should not use a cliche; think of another way to say this.)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Well, you managed to give me chills. Imagine you being able to go back in time and warn yourself to change direction. If only we could do that, the world might be a better place.
Well, done.
Good luck in the contest.
- like a moth to flame. (should not use a cliche; think of another way to say this.)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I appreciate your comments and for taking the time to read this story.
Comment from country ranch writer
should have taken heed to what the old woman said years ago it may have caused you less of a rotten life or dead child. neve know where visions come from in the other realm of life.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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should have taken heed to what the old woman said years ago it may have caused you less of a rotten life or dead child. neve know where visions come from in the other realm of life.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I appreciate your comments and for taking the time to read this story.
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