The Warning
A visit from my 100 year old self32 total reviews
Comment from Kelly2
I loved it and also the story about how you came up with the idea.
I'm sad she didn't listen to herself. I hoped she would but it's more realistic that the young don't listen to the voice of experience. I suppose this is a commentary on that phenomenon.
I think the ending needs work. I have ideas about how I would end it, but it needs impact.
This story will stay with me. Thank you.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I loved it and also the story about how you came up with the idea.
I'm sad she didn't listen to herself. I hoped she would but it's more realistic that the young don't listen to the voice of experience. I suppose this is a commentary on that phenomenon.
I think the ending needs work. I have ideas about how I would end it, but it needs impact.
This story will stay with me. Thank you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. Yep, I agree with you, the ending does need work. I ran out of time and words as the contest only allowed 500. I only had fifteen minutes to write this and get it into the contest on time.
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15 minutes? Holy cow. I should have given you a 6. That's incredible.
Comment from light
I found this story fascinating. Your characters were well-defined and the dialogue was good. The story had just the right amount of mystery. Well done.
Elaine
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I found this story fascinating. Your characters were well-defined and the dialogue was good. The story had just the right amount of mystery. Well done.
Elaine
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I hope to expand on this story in the future. The prompt was only 500 words and this story needs more. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comment from Dawn Munro
This flash fiction is just a little too authentic - it's giving me goose bumps and chills! It actually sounds like something that could have happened! I think you hit on an idea for this contest that really works - good luck.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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This flash fiction is just a little too authentic - it's giving me goose bumps and chills! It actually sounds like something that could have happened! I think you hit on an idea for this contest that really works - good luck.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. Do you think something like that could really happen? Who knows? Thanks for reading and commenting.
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I only know there's a similar story in my family's history - and the person who experienced it and told me about it was the person closest to me - my mother. My Great Uncle died at the same time as my mother awoke from a sound sleep and saw him at the foot of her bed. She was his favorite niece. So yes, who knows what is possible...
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello Author,
This is interesting. The protagonist is forty, and she encounters her 100 y/o self. She dismisses the woman's warnings, which eventually come to fruition.
Che sera', sera', eh?
You wrote an imaginative story. Good luck in the contest!
Lana
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Hello Author,
This is interesting. The protagonist is forty, and she encounters her 100 y/o self. She dismisses the woman's warnings, which eventually come to fruition.
Che sera', sera', eh?
You wrote an imaginative story. Good luck in the contest!
Lana
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I wish the prompt would have allowed more words, it would have made a better story. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comment from foxangie123
This is a most amazing piece of writing and it was as if God sent you an angel to warn you of what might come. It reminded me of Indian stories and spirits. This is spectacular and moving thus voting first in my book.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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This is a most amazing piece of writing and it was as if God sent you an angel to warn you of what might come. It reminded me of Indian stories and spirits. This is spectacular and moving thus voting first in my book.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. So glad you liked it. It really needed more work but the time was up for the contest.
Comment from frogbook
This was a good and original thought. I guess I was a bit disappointed that you did not heed her warning, but that's the Mom in me I guess-haha. And you're the one writing the story, not me. LOL. All kidding aside was a good story with a great picture and should do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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This was a good and original thought. I guess I was a bit disappointed that you did not heed her warning, but that's the Mom in me I guess-haha. And you're the one writing the story, not me. LOL. All kidding aside was a good story with a great picture and should do well in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. The story had to end as it did to prove the old woman was right. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and evaluate.
Comment from CEO2020
Nice story. I think it could have been much better if you had done a couple more rewrites. I found that several rewrites has significantly improved my stories.
Very good approach and storyline. There is no such thing as a coincidence.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Nice story. I think it could have been much better if you had done a couple more rewrites. I found that several rewrites has significantly improved my stories.
Very good approach and storyline. There is no such thing as a coincidence.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you. I agree with you. It is not the best I can do. However, I was busy all day yesterday and found myself with less than and hour to get this in the contest. I will do better next time. I don't expect it to win because it is poorly written and I know it. Thanks for the five stars anyway.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Was the old woman really my hundred-year-old-self trying to warn me? Only God knows. ... Well, of course it was your protagonist's 100 year-old self come to warn her. What other logical explanation could there be? All of her predictions came true, so how could she think otherwise?
I thought this story might have a happy ending.
I was pleasantly surprised to learn that it didn't, heh-heh.
Well done, a very well written entry for the contest.
And, hey... it could happen...
Good luck!
~Dean
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Was the old woman really my hundred-year-old-self trying to warn me? Only God knows. ... Well, of course it was your protagonist's 100 year-old self come to warn her. What other logical explanation could there be? All of her predictions came true, so how could she think otherwise?
I thought this story might have a happy ending.
I was pleasantly surprised to learn that it didn't, heh-heh.
Well done, a very well written entry for the contest.
And, hey... it could happen...
Good luck!
~Dean
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Dean. I think I could have done a better job of writing this story but I let myself run out of time. Love your spooky guy. LOL
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I thought it was great just the way it is.
You're more than welcome.
~Dean :}
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi
= Fantastic piece of writing!
= I was hooked from start to finish.
= You made it sound as if it could have happened just this way.
= By using your own grandmother's picture, made seem all the more real, too.
= This is a terrific entry for the prompt. Good luck. I hope you do well.
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Hi
= Fantastic piece of writing!
= I was hooked from start to finish.
= You made it sound as if it could have happened just this way.
= By using your own grandmother's picture, made seem all the more real, too.
= This is a terrific entry for the prompt. Good luck. I hope you do well.
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I can do better writing than this but I let myself run out of time. I had less than an hour to get this in the contest.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good supernaturally tinged here of what is, but perhaps what should be. I think I'd have been a bit more unnerved myself. LOL
I felt the first paragraph was a little repetitive, twice referencing the old woman and eyes being drawn there. It may just be me though! LOL
You could make the write a lot more dynamic by trying to eliminate the use of the word 'was' as much as possible. It makes the story feel quite passive, that we are being told rather than being shown what has transpired. It's fine in the dialogue sections but it slows the actual narrative considerably.
it drew me like a moth to flame. - this is a very old, overused saying. Try to stretch your descriptions / similes rather than relying on old tropes.
GMG
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Hi there,
A good supernaturally tinged here of what is, but perhaps what should be. I think I'd have been a bit more unnerved myself. LOL
I felt the first paragraph was a little repetitive, twice referencing the old woman and eyes being drawn there. It may just be me though! LOL
You could make the write a lot more dynamic by trying to eliminate the use of the word 'was' as much as possible. It makes the story feel quite passive, that we are being told rather than being shown what has transpired. It's fine in the dialogue sections but it slows the actual narrative considerably.
it drew me like a moth to flame. - this is a very old, overused saying. Try to stretch your descriptions / similes rather than relying on old tropes.
GMG
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I'm surprised you gave me five stars for this writing. i let myself run out of time and rushed it too much and, yes, i do have a bad habit of using words like was too much. Thank you for reminding me. I know this was somewhat poorly written and I can do better. thanks again.
