Deception
Flash Fiction Contest57 total reviews
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Ulla,
I am by no means an expert in reviewing flash fiction or prose or any kind of short writing.
I enjoyed this short story and apart from a couple of spags could find nothing wrong. We all have different ways to invent plots and because mine may differ from yours doesn't make yours wrong. I fully understand that at the end Christian thought he had committed the perfect crime without detection, but then he didn't know that the body was still recognisable, isn't that called a twist?
When we review poetry we are not allowed to criticise content, just spag. unless it doesn't make sense. But of course this does make sense. Not liking the end shouldn't even be a issue.
Some people have offered you advice on how to improve this short story, that is good. But Not seeing the point or disliking content doesn't help you as a writer.
Just my little rant.
Brenda:))x
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Ulla,
I am by no means an expert in reviewing flash fiction or prose or any kind of short writing.
I enjoyed this short story and apart from a couple of spags could find nothing wrong. We all have different ways to invent plots and because mine may differ from yours doesn't make yours wrong. I fully understand that at the end Christian thought he had committed the perfect crime without detection, but then he didn't know that the body was still recognisable, isn't that called a twist?
When we review poetry we are not allowed to criticise content, just spag. unless it doesn't make sense. But of course this does make sense. Not liking the end shouldn't even be a issue.
Some people have offered you advice on how to improve this short story, that is good. But Not seeing the point or disliking content doesn't help you as a writer.
Just my little rant.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Brenda, thanks a lot for your little rant review. I have made changes, but the story is the same, all I've done is to make the plot even more believable. I so appreciate when I get the real help and thank goodness that those writers are about. I wouldn't know what to do without them.
I know some people really don't know what they are doing or maybe they really do and they do want to hurt. Only today I got a four without any substance. Just a couple of word changes of no significance and then all the praise. I've received a few six rating which doesn't show now. Yes, it does hurt a little. Thanks for your great support. Ulla:)xx
Comment from Kooky Clown
I enjoyed reading this but I couldn't understand the reasoning behind her husband Christian leaving her as my impression was she loved him but obviously the feeling was not mutual. I felt the story lacked something but I am not sure what. But I enjoyed the tension in the early part.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed reading this but I couldn't understand the reasoning behind her husband Christian leaving her as my impression was she loved him but obviously the feeling was not mutual. I felt the story lacked something but I am not sure what. But I enjoyed the tension in the early part.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Kooky, Thanks a lot . I have made a change to the ending so it makes a lot more sense now. I was struggling but now it reads ok. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from robina1978
Lovely artwork accompanies your story. It complements your Flash Fiction well. It has a start, middle and an amazing end. How do you come up with such an original subject? It must be fantasy. I think you might have a winner,
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Lovely artwork accompanies your story. It complements your Flash Fiction well. It has a start, middle and an amazing end. How do you come up with such an original subject? It must be fantasy. I think you might have a winner,
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Ine, Thanks ever so much for your great review and your lovely stars. It means so much to me. You really made my day. I don't know I just started writing and it came to me little by little. Thanks a lot again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from jpduck
This had an interesting plot, I thought. I suspect, in the real world, with the aid of DNA, Christian would have been tracked down. But, of course, there's no room for all that in flash fiction.
Typos/SPAGS. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'The early morning light spilled into the bedroom [leaving] *giving* the walls [in] a soft sheen' (Just a suggestion).
'so if you would be so kind *as* to open the door'
'How can this nightmare have happened?' (I suggest you change this thought to italics, rather than using the quotation marks. This is a widely used convention for showing thoughts).
'and without the tiresome [the] bitch'
Adrian
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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This had an interesting plot, I thought. I suspect, in the real world, with the aid of DNA, Christian would have been tracked down. But, of course, there's no room for all that in flash fiction.
Typos/SPAGS. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'The early morning light spilled into the bedroom [leaving] *giving* the walls [in] a soft sheen' (Just a suggestion).
'so if you would be so kind *as* to open the door'
'How can this nightmare have happened?' (I suggest you change this thought to italics, rather than using the quotation marks. This is a widely used convention for showing thoughts).
'and without the tiresome [the] bitch'
Adrian
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Adrian, thanks a lot for another great review. I have made , the changes and many more. I saw the flaw in my plot, but I've rectified it so now the story is totally believable. If you at all have the time I would like that you read it again. I know it's a lot to ask, but all the same. All the best. Ulla:))
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Hi Ulla,
This is a great improvement -- particularly the ending, which I didn't completely understand before, but assumed I was just being thick. :-))
Adrian
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Hahahaha, thick is one of things I would never ever label you. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it again. It means a lot to me. Yes, I'm much happier myself about it as well. Ulla:)))
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So he left her, changing his identity. He didn't need the corpse in the morgue to do that, though. I don't see how it fits into the story. Good writing, for the most part. Found two errors:
The first thing she normally did, was to enter <-- Remove that comma. It separates the subject from its predicate--a big no-no.
colour of the skin told it's own tale. <-- ITS, with no apostrophe. Remember, IT'S = IT IS, and ITS = belonging to it, or OF IT.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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So he left her, changing his identity. He didn't need the corpse in the morgue to do that, though. I don't see how it fits into the story. Good writing, for the most part. Found two errors:
The first thing she normally did, was to enter <-- Remove that comma. It separates the subject from its predicate--a big no-no.
colour of the skin told it's own tale. <-- ITS, with no apostrophe. Remember, IT'S = IT IS, and ITS = belonging to it, or OF IT.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Thanks Phyllis. He wanted to be dead. Not existing, so nobody would ever look for him. I've made some editing so it's even more believable. I mean it is fiction after all. Although has happened in real life as well. Made the corrections. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Yes, clever! He expected the body to be burned and her to believe it must be him. Good ploy! :)
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Thanks a lot for reading it again, Phyllis. Ulla:)))
Comment from MelB
the tiresome the bitch - that tiresome (remove the)
A great contest entry and writing prompt, Ulla. He certainly pulled off the perfect deception. This reminded me of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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the tiresome the bitch - that tiresome (remove the)
A great contest entry and writing prompt, Ulla. He certainly pulled off the perfect deception. This reminded me of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Melissa, thanks a lot. I've made the change and many more. The plot is totally believable now. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Poor old Isabel, she must have been a grumpy old git or maybe Christian's just an arse! LOL
A good little tale here crafted for this contest.
Has something happened to my husband? - need closing speech marks here.
Mrs Morrison, may we come in, please, rather than stand out here- should probably have a question mark here.
colour of the skin told it's own tale. - its.
and without the tiresome the bitch - needs something doing here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi there,
Poor old Isabel, she must have been a grumpy old git or maybe Christian's just an arse! LOL
A good little tale here crafted for this contest.
Has something happened to my husband? - need closing speech marks here.
Mrs Morrison, may we come in, please, rather than stand out here- should probably have a question mark here.
colour of the skin told it's own tale. - its.
and without the tiresome the bitch - needs something doing here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 12-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hahaha, well I think it is the latter. Thanks for this, G, and I've made changes to the story so it's now really believable. All the best. Ulla:)
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Hi there,
You certainly worked all six words into your story. In the conclusion I found it to be a surprise yet perfect ending. Well done, keep writing. The last line has an extra 'the' you might want to remove, otherwise no further SPAG.
:-) Carolyn
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi there,
You certainly worked all six words into your story. In the conclusion I found it to be a surprise yet perfect ending. Well done, keep writing. The last line has an extra 'the' you might want to remove, otherwise no further SPAG.
:-) Carolyn
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Carolyn, thanks a lot for this. Corrected and also change a few things in the ending so it's really believable. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Deniz22
I hope you want some honest, well-intentioned feed back. I think you have the makings of a story here, but I see some awkwardness, both in phrasing and logic of story line. I hope I'm not talking down to you when I point these things out but you really should read and reread your work for "flow". For instance, an unmarked door is better than an "anonymous" door; is it hiding from someone? :) And wanting another 8 hours of sleep when she just stated she hardly slept all night is a little bump in the road that could easily be avoided.
And then the two "uniforms" in the room; did the officers leave them there while they went for a swim? :) The announcement of her husband's death is...well, awkward (again) only this time by both the officers and her reception of this devastating news. It sounds like you were rushing to get this done.
And lastly, the plot itself. First, the idea of disappearing and leaving a body behind is threadbare, having been done many times. So you MUST, if you are going to use it, give it some kind of new twist.
The logic of this disappearing act disappeared too. Usually, a body burned beyond recognition is used to cover tracks. In this story of yours, everyone will soon know her husband must be alive somewhere, since this cadaver ain't him. You didn't state how he was going to easily escape detection in this shrinking electronic world of ours. And what drove him to do such a malicious act? Drop at least a hint besides her being boring. Such an intense act needs a more compelling reason.
I hope this helps. Writing is work. Rewriting is the secret of better writing. Better writing is more fun. This is the longest review I have given in all the time I have been on FS. So be encouraged, as I wouldn't put the effort in if I didn't think you had something going for you. Also, I note you want to write a book at least once in your life time. I hope you do, but you have got to put the work in for sure. God bless you, Dennis
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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I hope you want some honest, well-intentioned feed back. I think you have the makings of a story here, but I see some awkwardness, both in phrasing and logic of story line. I hope I'm not talking down to you when I point these things out but you really should read and reread your work for "flow". For instance, an unmarked door is better than an "anonymous" door; is it hiding from someone? :) And wanting another 8 hours of sleep when she just stated she hardly slept all night is a little bump in the road that could easily be avoided.
And then the two "uniforms" in the room; did the officers leave them there while they went for a swim? :) The announcement of her husband's death is...well, awkward (again) only this time by both the officers and her reception of this devastating news. It sounds like you were rushing to get this done.
And lastly, the plot itself. First, the idea of disappearing and leaving a body behind is threadbare, having been done many times. So you MUST, if you are going to use it, give it some kind of new twist.
The logic of this disappearing act disappeared too. Usually, a body burned beyond recognition is used to cover tracks. In this story of yours, everyone will soon know her husband must be alive somewhere, since this cadaver ain't him. You didn't state how he was going to easily escape detection in this shrinking electronic world of ours. And what drove him to do such a malicious act? Drop at least a hint besides her being boring. Such an intense act needs a more compelling reason.
I hope this helps. Writing is work. Rewriting is the secret of better writing. Better writing is more fun. This is the longest review I have given in all the time I have been on FS. So be encouraged, as I wouldn't put the effort in if I didn't think you had something going for you. Also, I note you want to write a book at least once in your life time. I hope you do, but you have got to put the work in for sure. God bless you, Dennis
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Deniz, thanks for the review. I have made some extensive editing and added to the ending so now the plot is quite clear. I was struggling with this flash, but it's okay now. Thanks for helping me to get there. Not to make any excuses , but English is not my first language and I'm always working hard to get it right. All the best. Ulla:)))
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That's not an excuse, it's a real reason. Sorry if I was too hard on you!
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Not at all I'm keen to learn. If I'm not told where I go wrong I will never learn. As long it's done in a friendly way. Ulla:)
Comment from Marykelly
This is a very compelling story of betrayal, but I'm not sure about the end of the story. If everyone knows that the body in the morgue is not Christian's body, how does he expect to disappear without people looking for him. Isabel is a very believable and sympathetic character in this story and her visit from the police makes her seem very vulnerable. The only issue I have is why Christian doesn't just disappear and not arrange for a dead body that is not identified as his.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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This is a very compelling story of betrayal, but I'm not sure about the end of the story. If everyone knows that the body in the morgue is not Christian's body, how does he expect to disappear without people looking for him. Isabel is a very believable and sympathetic character in this story and her visit from the police makes her seem very vulnerable. The only issue I have is why Christian doesn't just disappear and not arrange for a dead body that is not identified as his.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi there, thanks a lot for the review. You are absolutely right and I've made some major edits and it reads just right now. The plot is just spot on now. I really struggled with this flash. Please read it again if you've got the time. I know it's much to ask. All the best. Ulla:))
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I read your revised story and it is much stronger, especially with that open ended conclusion. Just a note, in sentence 2 of the story you mean to say wasn't, rather than was't I think.
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Mary, that's really kind of you that you read it again, and thanks for catching the spag. Ulla:)))
