By the Way, Mom
Prose potlatch--a phone confession50 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
Alexandria, huh? I'm thinking Mum just swallowed her dentures.
Great monologue.
But I wonder if you can find a way around 'your and Dad's friends'? How about simplifying it to 'your friends'?
Also the 'your being in Florida and our being in California' is a little cumbersome.
How about, 'You're in Florida, we're in California. That makes things difficult, but . . .'
What is this 'potlatch' thing? Seems like a sect to me.
Good luck, Indy.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Alexandria, huh? I'm thinking Mum just swallowed her dentures.
Great monologue.
But I wonder if you can find a way around 'your and Dad's friends'? How about simplifying it to 'your friends'?
Also the 'your being in Florida and our being in California' is a little cumbersome.
How about, 'You're in Florida, we're in California. That makes things difficult, but . . .'
What is this 'potlatch' thing? Seems like a sect to me.
Good luck, Indy.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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LOL I'm sure mama swallowed her dentures on getting that kind of news. Thanks for your awesome review, comments, and gold star for the story. Thanks for your suggestion to improve those two sentences. They both gave me a pain.
Potlatch is a weekly challenge open to all FS members. They've been doing poetry for a while, but just started a prose challenge. It's not a contest. They announce the poetry format and prose during the week, and on Saturday they announce the topic for the poem, and on Sunday for the prose. There's a new thread in the forum called Challenges if you're interested in looking it over.
Thanks, hw.
Smiles,
Indy :-)
Comment from MizKat
Hi Karyn,
I think you did a supper job in writing this story with all dialogue. It was interesting and I really enjoyed reading it. I hope that it will go far. I'd like to see you win the contest.
Kat
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hi Karyn,
I think you did a supper job in writing this story with all dialogue. It was interesting and I really enjoyed reading it. I hope that it will go far. I'd like to see you win the contest.
Kat
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Kat, for your kind review and comments for my story. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
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Hi Karyn,
I always enjoy hearing from you too.
Kat
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Indy. This is Belinda. I haven't been in FS for ages because of internet trouble. Now I'm able to read your story again, This is so surprising. Btw I have posted a new poem, "Memories". Would you care to take a peek?
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hi, Indy. This is Belinda. I haven't been in FS for ages because of internet trouble. Now I'm able to read your story again, This is so surprising. Btw I have posted a new poem, "Memories". Would you care to take a peek?
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you for your wonderful review and kind words for my story, Belinda. I truly appreciate your taking the time to read and share your kind words. Best wishes.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from mfowler
Oh, how delicious, Karyn. The mother from hell who takes over and over, but the daughter fights back and runs off to get spliced, wrecking the mother's plans for the aggrandizement of her own ego. But, the final line is masterful. The reveal. Alex is Alexandria. Mother has two bitter pils to swallow. Your conversation is so well structured that I felt I'd read a whole story. It explores hypocrisy and pretension so beautifully in this clever spoof, and in the end the right one prevails.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Oh, how delicious, Karyn. The mother from hell who takes over and over, but the daughter fights back and runs off to get spliced, wrecking the mother's plans for the aggrandizement of her own ego. But, the final line is masterful. The reveal. Alex is Alexandria. Mother has two bitter pils to swallow. Your conversation is so well structured that I felt I'd read a whole story. It explores hypocrisy and pretension so beautifully in this clever spoof, and in the end the right one prevails.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Oh, Mark! Thank you so much for this awesome review for my story. I love your response and appreciate your taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Thank you for the generous extra star, and I'm thrilled you felt the story was worth it.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from arnie47
I knew something was coming but I didn't see this. It was delicious. You captured everything about our society in this very, very flash fiction piece. Very well done.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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I knew something was coming but I didn't see this. It was delicious. You captured everything about our society in this very, very flash fiction piece. Very well done.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Arnie! How are you? I'm thrilled to receive a review for this story from you, and thank you so much for your comments and the very generous sixth star. I always appreciate your feedback, and hope all is well with you.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was very impressive. Regina's Mom has to be the mother from hell -- totally self-centred, and perhaps a little hard to believe in. She certainly had her comeuppance in the end -- in trumps. Most enjoyable.
Adrian
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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I thought this was very impressive. Regina's Mom has to be the mother from hell -- totally self-centred, and perhaps a little hard to believe in. She certainly had her comeuppance in the end -- in trumps. Most enjoyable.
Adrian
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Adrian, for taking the time to read and share your comments for my story. I truly appreciate your kind words, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Kar.
My one minor nit-pick, with respect, is you've repeated, 'wedding', TEN times in 1st eleven paragraphs, and maybe a few could be subbed with words like, 'celebration/vows/special day' etc.
However, I REALLY enjoyed the real life and fun dialogue, and the TWO fabulous turns that both caught me unawares and made me smile.
If Mom DOES 'have a heart-attack' (fatal), for Regina's sake I hope it's soon, before self-centred, outraged and rich Mom has the chance to change her Will. ;-)
The one plus is Mom can't object to her SON-in-law. ;-)
Cheers, Ray xx
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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hi, Kar.
My one minor nit-pick, with respect, is you've repeated, 'wedding', TEN times in 1st eleven paragraphs, and maybe a few could be subbed with words like, 'celebration/vows/special day' etc.
However, I REALLY enjoyed the real life and fun dialogue, and the TWO fabulous turns that both caught me unawares and made me smile.
If Mom DOES 'have a heart-attack' (fatal), for Regina's sake I hope it's soon, before self-centred, outraged and rich Mom has the chance to change her Will. ;-)
The one plus is Mom can't object to her SON-in-law. ;-)
Cheers, Ray xx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thanks for your kind review and response to my story, Ray. I appreciate your comments, and thanks for alerting me for the use of wedding ten times in eleven paragraphs. I'll work on that. Thanks.
Smiles,
Kar :-)
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Do I detect an air of sarcasm, Kar? If you'd prefer me not to review you honestly and in detail, please say so.
On the other hand, if I'm wrong, then I sincerely apologise.
Cheers, Ray xx
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Are you kidding? I Thank you for a suggestion and you think it's sarcasm? Shame on you. I accept your apology.
Cheers back at ya.
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That's a relief, Kar, and I repeat my apology.
Maybe I'm becoming over-sensitive, as not all my nit-picking is received graciously. It's never meant to sound smart-arsey, and I only try to be thorough and offer detailed opinions (where they're right or wrong) to try to humbly help, and to assure the writer I've read and thought about their post in detail.
As you, and most writers seem to appreciate, I also highlight the good points and try to encourage as well.
Cheers, Ray xx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Karyn,
Great piece of writing here. Spag free too. At first I thought it was going to be the 'already got married' scenario - which it was but the final revelation at the end was perfect. Serves her right!
Great little bit of flash fiction dialogue.
Super stuff
G
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hi Karyn,
Great piece of writing here. Spag free too. At first I thought it was going to be the 'already got married' scenario - which it was but the final revelation at the end was perfect. Serves her right!
Great little bit of flash fiction dialogue.
Super stuff
G
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, G, for your wonderful review, kind comments, and generous rating for my story. I'm pleased you enjoyed it, and thank you for this great response. The gold star made my day!
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from Ginger Banks
Funny, with an interesting shocking end for the Mother of the Bride! It's a well done argument scene, causing the reader to empathize with the bride for having such a head-strong Mom with an attitude. It also causes the reader to question the truth of the Daughter's last revelations to her mother. Was the daughter telling the truth, I ask myself; or was the daughter just saying this for the shock value? An excellent viewpoint from both sides. Only one SPaG, therefore, I didn't "knock off" for the mistake, in light of the nicely argued content.
"Sorry, but I wanted our wedding and not your wedding. It was the way we both wanted [ it. ]."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Funny, with an interesting shocking end for the Mother of the Bride! It's a well done argument scene, causing the reader to empathize with the bride for having such a head-strong Mom with an attitude. It also causes the reader to question the truth of the Daughter's last revelations to her mother. Was the daughter telling the truth, I ask myself; or was the daughter just saying this for the shock value? An excellent viewpoint from both sides. Only one SPaG, therefore, I didn't "knock off" for the mistake, in light of the nicely argued content.
"Sorry, but I wanted our wedding and not your wedding. It was the way we both wanted [ it. ]."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to read and share your comments for my story, Ginger. I appreciate your kind review and truly am grateful for your response.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment from mountainwriter49
Well, PW,
You've once again proven you're the master of short, fast-paced prose. And this one has that Flash Fiction mode with the OMG surprise in the last line. I bet the mom passed out cold when she heard her daughter is a lesbian. LOL. But that would play well in Ft. Lauderdale.
With all due seriousness, Kar, this is superb writing. As you know, I'm a neophyte with prose, but this piece kept my attention from word one to the last. The dialogue was tight, focused and the tension built as it continued. And then, POP! Like a gun.
Well done, my friend.
Ray
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Well, PW,
You've once again proven you're the master of short, fast-paced prose. And this one has that Flash Fiction mode with the OMG surprise in the last line. I bet the mom passed out cold when she heard her daughter is a lesbian. LOL. But that would play well in Ft. Lauderdale.
With all due seriousness, Kar, this is superb writing. As you know, I'm a neophyte with prose, but this piece kept my attention from word one to the last. The dialogue was tight, focused and the tension built as it continued. And then, POP! Like a gun.
Well done, my friend.
Ray
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you, dear neophyte, for this wonderful review, your kind comments, and generous gold star for my story. I'm delighted you enjoyed the story, and I appreciate all your encouraging comments. Receiving a sixth star for my first review sure made me one happy girleen.
Smiles,
Kar :-)
